How to date a woman in her 30s – Lessons for men
If you have met a woman in her 30’s, chances are she has experienced at least one, maybe some, or all of the following scenarios: she is divorced, she has been engaged only to end the engagement (at least once), she has at least one child, she has moved at least five times, she’s been cheated on, she has had enough shit relationships to know exactly what she will and will not put up with, she knows herself well enough that if she has two pitchers of margaritas she should turn her cell phone off because any drunk texting will just be evil.
Lesson #1 Flattery will get you right into her bed. I don’t care if you mean it or not, if you sit there and tell me how beautiful I am, the amazing color of my eyes, you love my body, the curves of it, my huge breasts are just what you like, I am smart, I am witty, I am successful, my skin is so soft – find a compliment and go with it and it really doesn’t matter if you’re sincere or not (however, repeating it a million times will just irritate me), you will go far. We lap that shit up – we love to hear it, we want to hear more.
Lesson #2 Pay attention to us. While we don’t want 300 texts in one day, if you are dating a woman in her 30’s, she has mastered the art of how to make a man feel appreciated, wanted, important and cared for. We need the same, dumbass, unless you want us to find someone else. So when we send you a text first thing in the morning to say we hope you have a great day, please respond. You can tell me that you hope I do too. You could say it will be great when you get to see me tonight. You could say you wish you were spending the day in bed with me to make sure it’s a great day. I don’t care what you say, take the 15 seconds it takes to respond and respond already.
Side note – lack of responding to text messages is a BIG no-no. Don’t sit there and tell me you’re too busy – bullshit. I’ve dated a mechanic who could be in the middle of a lube job and text me back. I’ve dated a guy who was doing a roof and could text me back. You guys shit all day long – text while you’re taking a dump – we don’t care, as long as you respond. On the flip side – we actually DO get busy and maybe can’t respond immediately or, better yet, just get tired of responding so we will let it go for a while. Whine and we’ll just ignore you more. Sorry – life’s a bitch, welcome to the world of double standards.
Lesson #3 Making out was a lot of fun when we were 14 years old. When we’re in our 30’s, a little make out session on the couch is great as long as in about 10 minutes it leads to me riding you in front of my picture window. However – an hour and a half of making out to then hear you say “I don’t want this to become just about sex – I’m going to go home” is a sure fire way to ensure you will never be ridden again. We’re adults – sex is necessary and really, we can’t have too much sex. We don’t equate a relationship with sex so really, don’t worry about making a relationship too much about sex – you can only use sex to make sure we are happy with the relationship.
Lesson #4 Do NOT blow up our phones when we go out with girlfriends. We had a life before you, chances are we will have a life after you. We are with our girls, having a good time. Just because we fucked you in the parking lot the night we met you does not mean we are with some other guy. Generally speaking. You can go out with your guys, we really don’t care what you’re doing, we will not text you. At all. If you choose to go the whole evening without texting us, which is your choice, we will not blow up your phone to check in on you. When, at 1 in the morning you realize you haven’t heard from us and THEN decide to text, and we do not answer, maybe then you’ll realize there’s a way to text and say “hey baby – I’m having a blast with the guys but would love to see you tonight – why don’t we plan on meeting up around 1:00 at the bar?” See? Now there’s a smart boy who avoids a pissed off vindictive girlfriend AND gets ass that night.
Lesson #5 Chances are, a woman in her 30’s has a job; perhaps even a career. As such, you should definitely respect the fact that we get up anywhere between 5:30 and 7:00 in the morning and going to work with spunk in our hair and glazed eyes is really not what we’re getting paid for. So understand that during the week, while dinner and a couple drinks maybe a great time, staying out doing shots til 1 in the morning is NOT going to be on our list of favorite things to do – it’s called maturity, boys, deal with it. Besides, wouldn’t you rather have a night of erotic massages and mind blowing sex than blowing $50 at the bar with a bunch of people we really don’t like anyways?
Lesson #6 Respect is everything. We expect that you will respect us, our privacy, our desires, our families, etc… You, naturally, you will expect us to respect you. Which is entirely possible. We will even be understanding if you are having financial difficulties. HOWEVER, one sure way for us to lose respect for you real fast is if you tell us your broke, you just can’t even afford groceries, you need money towards rent, a car payment, whatever, and then go out drinking three nights in a row. REALLY?? So you have money to blow on alcohol but couldn’t see to put that, oh I don’t know, $70 towards groceries, towards the car, towards the rent? I’ve been there – I’ve scraped change together to make sure there was enough food in the house to feed me, my boyfriend and his four year old daughter. I have smoked the disgusting generic cigarettes. I have drank nothing but water because even the generic pop couldn’t be justified. So really? You wanna bitch about money problems but can still go out drinking when I know you’ll also be hitting taco bell each night for $10 worth of food (and suddenly we’re at $100 spent) and that’ll be a big fuck you, get a life and get out of my house. Responsibility’s a bitch but that’s a part of turning 18.
Lesson #7 Do not lie to us. Because you know what? We’ll find out the truth. Either we’ll drag it out of you, your drunk buddy will tell us two weeks later, a bartender will say “oh I thought that girl you were making out with a couple weeks ago when you were in here was your girlfriend” or you’ll be stupid and leave the messages on your phone and we WILL go through your phone (however – double standard again – go through our phones and you’ll lose a finger if not your whole hand. We aren’t cheating on you, we’re just talking about you with our girlfriends and there’s no reason for you to know what we’re talking about). We will know you’re lying so just suck it up and tell us the truth right off the bat and we’ll deal with it.
Lesson #8 Chances are, we are not big TV watchers. As such, we’ll probably be happy to hand over the remote control and won’t really care what you put on to watch (plus we have DVR so we’re recording our favorite shows anyways). That being said – want to earn the fastest way out the door OR want to see how fast I can shove a remote control up your ass? Surf through the channels at warp speed, three times in a row, and upon settling on TV show proceed to also flip back to two other shows during commercials. Seriously – pick one show. Just one. Need something to do during commercials?? Hi, remember me? Your girlfriend? Kiss me, talk to me, refill my water glass, fuck me for two minutes, I don’t really care as long as you don’t continue to give me a migraine with ever-changing TV channels.
Lesson #9 If we make you dinner, which is likely because at our age, we are highly domesticated, earn yourself an extra-good blowjob, a rub down, our eternal gratitude and take 10 minutes at the end of the meal to wash the dishes for us. Not only will we appreciate the fact that you don’t expect to wait on your ass hand and foot, but we will also take it as a very sweet gesture that you appreciate us, our hard work, our effort, and just want to show us how much you value us. Really. Doing the dishes without saying a word tells us all that and just sucks us in even further. Coming back into the living room with a Popsicle, small bowl of our favorite ice cream or an ice cold Captain and Coke will definitely seal the deal.
Lesson #10 It’s the little things that we love, not the extravagant once in a lifetime gifts. Really! A $5 bouquet from the speedway, a pack of our brand of cigarettes, a smiley face cookie, a toy for our cat, stopping the car on the side of the road in the country and picking a bunch of wildflowers for us, framing a silly picture of us, refrigerator magnets, a miniature fir Christmas tree for us to take to work, a bag of Jelly Belly jellybeans, getting up the morning after a hard night out and getting us Gatorade, McDonalds and glazed donuts to ease our hangover, leaving us love notes all over the house or in our car, knowing that we’ve had a long 12 hour day and the minute we walk in the door, you direct us to the bathroom and draw us a nice hot bath, light candles and let us soak our stress away, making the bed in the morning, making coffee, hugs, giving us your coat when we’re freezing….it’s not what you spend that’s important, it’s really the thought that counts. You think of us and make us feel special and we’ll fuck your brains out – any questions?
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