How NOT to Have a Good Marriage – or What a Husband Should Do To Guarantee a Divorce
Spend your wedding night crying about the fact that your grandfather couldn’t be there and how much he meant to you and how much you miss him. Do not detect your newlywed’s disgust at your drunken sappiness seeing as how your grandfather died TEN years ago and she really could use a good ass-pounding on her WEDDING night. Proceed to withhold sex the next night too as you want to save it for the tantric sex you’ve got planned the next day.
When your wife is hobbling around on crutches due to a second degree ankle sprain, refuse to help her with anything, including letting the new puppy out on his leash because (1) it wasn’t your decision to get the puppy and (2) you tried to tell her the day before to go to the doctor and it’s her fault the ankle is so bad.
As if it’s not bad enough that you’re a Michigan fan living in Ohio, but also make sure your mood for the rest of the weekend is dictated by whether they win or lose each weekend because, you know, you yourself had total control over the outcome of that game and it definitely has a HUGE impact on your life in the grand scheme of things.
Do not let your wife drive at all during the 14 hour road trip to Maine because you are a better driver, you can drive stick (conveniently forgetting she drove stick for four years before your ass ever learned) and you know where you’re going. Because she’s not the one who Mapquest’d the journey or anything.
By all means, when you get pissed off at your wife, don’t have an argument and work things out. Instead, let it fester and dwell on it for a few weeks so that when she doesn’t unload the dishwasher or fold the towels within five minutes of you asking her to, you can get pissed off and proceed to give her the silent treatment for a week. Make sure during said week, you do not speak to her at all, prepare meals with her, eat in the same room as her, watch TV in the same room as her or go to bed at the same time as her. If you need a little icing on the cake, at the end of the week when you start speaking to her again, make sure you ask if she’s learned her lesson.
Do not pay any bills besides the cable bill. Your wife would definitely rather pay the mortgage and line of credit on the house, the utilities, the grocery bills and the entertainment costs when you insist on “date night” in addition to her own credit card bills incurred to buy the new living room furniture you insisted on buying “as a couple.”
When it comes time for sex, DO NOT be impromptu. It’s much more romantic if you meet in the bedroom to review an itinerary for your love making, including the order of fore-play, order of sexual positions and where you would like to cum. Then please insist on going into separate bathrooms to get cleaned up and request your wife put on one of the crotchless outfits you insisted she purchase to make you happy so that you can tear it off in two minutes. That’s just hot.
Repeat the above actions for four years. Then cry yourself to sleep when she finally leaves your stupid ass because you’re a selfish, controlling, money-splurging but don’t pay the bills whiny OCD little bitch.
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Oh I’m not sorry I went through all that – taught me to NEVER cheat again or be involved with anyone cheating on their signficant others. And you are absolutely right – years and years of training!! Next time, definitely marrying for money! At least make all the trouble worth it! LMAO thanks for the comment!
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LOL! LOVE this post! Sorry you had to go through that. Although I’m still married, I can probably add to your list. Being married is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Men don’t get married and become instant husbands, there’s training involved…years and years of training.
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