Why I Don’t Drink Cherry Bombs (anymore)
A few years ago, cherry bombs (3 Olive Cherry vodka, red bull and a splash of grenadine) were the new craze in my town. I got to where that was all I would drink – cherry bombs on ice. It was my signature cocktail. My ex-boyfriend and I shared a love (although his is more of an obsession) for David Allan Coe. For those of you who are unfamiliar with DAC, he is a phenomenal and under-appreciated songwriter and unconventional to say the least. His list of hits includes “Would You Lay with Me” (hit by Tanya Tucker), “Take This Job and Shove It” (hit by Johnny Paycheck) and “You Don’t Even Call Me By My Name” (hit for DAC himself). The point of this is that during the course of our 2 ½ year relationship, we probably saw him six times in concert.
To see DAC was to get absolutely wasted and enjoy the show. We had a normal routine – drink on the way to the venue, me dressed as scantily as I could while showcasing my gigantic boobs. Eric would park me as close (standing room) to the stage as he could and leave me to get beers. Picture gigantic boobs in a sea of men. It didn’t take long for me to make my way up to the stage, get beer from guys and the occasional joint. Then, just as the show would start, much to the guys’ dismay, Eric would sidle up and enjoy the front row position I had wrangled for us and ply me with more alcohol.
After one of these concerts, during which I drank I don’t know how much beer, we got back to town (we always convinced some poor schmuck to go to the concerts with us and drive – thank god for recovering alcoholics!). Here’s what I remember…
11:00 pm get back to town and head to the first bar. Flirt with my bartender Ollie as always, have a couple cherry bombs.
12:00 pm go down the road to our other favorite haunt. At this point, I realize I am wasted and I am pretty impressed that I am still able to make conversation. I am also starving (side effect of me getting drunk) and insist on getting a pepperoni roll microwaved for me. The bartender, realizing I am wasted and fears my temper should I not get fed, gets one ready for me. These things are huge and I require a knife. Bartender refuses to give me a knife. To this day, Eric will never be able to tell you how I did it, but I managed to go up to him and get his switchblade. I proceed to cut my pepperoni roll into delicate slices of loveliness. Eric sees that I have his knife and yells at me across the bar to put it down. I wave it in the air.
9 am the next day. I wake up, naked, go to the bathroom and come back to bed. As I close my eyes, I realize I have no recollection of ever going to bed. I turn to Eric and ask him how I got there…. Yea…..
apparently after waving his knife at him, he came and took it back. I kept ordering cherry bombs and no one saw fit to deny me. WE WENT TO THREE OTHER BARS. Let me reiterate – I have blacked out, I have no memory of this, only the phone calls and stories everyone told me to confirm it. I insisted we keep barhopping, and I insisted I was fine and kept drinking cherry bombs. I went to see all of my favorite bartenders and tell them how much I loved them. I apparently made phone calls….(another reason why you should just take away my phone when I’m drinking)….I left a voicemail for my friend Tommy – when he saw me a few days later, he said he saved it because he just couldn’t believe what I was saying. He asked me if I wanted to listen to it – I looked at him and said “Tommy, I really don’t think I do…” He said “honey, you REALLY don’t… we’ll just keep it between us.” ugh.
I ask Eric how I got to bed (since I don’t remember even coming home). Well, turns out he did finally see that I needed to get home. So Mindy and Kevin, God love them, drove us home and apparently helped me inside. Now understand, even under normal circumstances, I tend to just strip and walk around the house – I’m not bashful. Well apparently, I didn’t really care that Mindy and Kevin were standing there in the living room…and as soon as I walked in the door, I started stripping my way to the bathroom to pee and then on into the bedroom. Yup, stark ass naked in front of two of our friends.
I never drank another cherry bomb again.
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