Life Lessons….or My Little Instruction Book

It’s been a frantic week, one with a bit of reflection given my birthday and me trying to figure out how I can balance everything I want to do with what I need to do. When I woke up this morning, I decided to share some pearls of wisdom with a bit of wit mixed in with everyone.

Diversify your friendships. Don’t keep yourself exclusive to your own generation. Befriend people 15 years younger than you – they’ll keep you young and they can learn from your own fuck-ups. Befriend people 20 to 35 years your senior – you can turn to them for guidance and reassurance and they’ll give you their pearls of wisdom for screwing the system.

Have lots of sex.

Read Read Read. One of the best things my parents ever did to us kids was take away the TV – we all became avid readers which I really think contributed to us obtaining good grades and being so well-versed. I devour books like a 400 pound woman devours a box of Twinkies.

Have many acquaintances but only a small group of close friends. It’s easier to keep secrets that way.

Be nice to your parents. They’re not going to agree with most of what you do, they’ll always judge you but believe it or not, they do love you. Learn to appreciate them being a thorn in your ass.

Learn how to give a great blowjob (or eat great pussy if that’s the way you swing – or if you’re a guy a guess… you get the picture, perfect your oral sodomy skills!).

Get a pet. For guys, it shows the girls you’re trying to date that you’re responsible and able to care for another living thing. For girls, you will have a living thing that loves you, regardless of how many times you whup its ass, step on its tail, lock it in the closet, because you’re still the source of food and water for the damn thing. Trying doing that to a man and still being loved.

Don’t be afraid to have an affair with a married man. The thrill and the sneaking around makes the sex amazing, you get great gifts out of it and a few getaway trips. Just don’t fall for the guy because he will always turn out to be a lying asshole and his wife will make your life hell so you’ll need to be prepared to cut bait and run.

Read the book “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne. You don’t have to buy into it 100%, but it does have some very valid points and can be empowering if you look at it from the right perspective. Take it with a grain of salt and a glass of wine and stop whining already!

Learn a craft – I don’t care if it’s quilting, crocheting, knitting, sewing, etc…. It grounds you and soothes you and will give you something to do when you’re an old lady in the nursing home, smoking a Virginia Slim and rolling around in a wheel chair.

Don’t take life so seriously that you forget to have fun. It’s ok to drink two pitchers of margaritas with a girlfriend and introduce her to your favorite porn store. It’s ok to drink two pitchers of margaritas with a girlfriend and go to a strip club. Maybe I should change this one to “It’s ok to drink two pitchers of margaritas with a girlfriend….”

Never put a man before your friends – because in a month when you realize your new man is a total piece of shit, it’s your friends who will drink and smoke with you to lament the time wasted with him….and remind you that at least you got some great ass from it.

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Tags: instructions, life, tidbits

This entry was posted on October 9, 2009 at 9:06 am and is filed under Lessons, Guidelines, Rules to live by. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.