Happy Thanksgiving!
It’s Thanksgiving Eve. I just walked out of the movie “The Blind Side” and driving home, I realized that too often, we are all guilty of wanting more, “needing” more and praying for more. Too often we forget to pause and be grateful for the blessings we do have. Yes, this is me getting sentimental – don’t get used to it, because I only allow myself to have feelings maybe twice a year, but I felt inspired and needed to get this all down.
I’m so grateful for my family – the family that nurtured me when I was younger, encouraging me to tackle any task because they knew I would succeed. My parents, who instilled a love of Notre Dame football, reading and the ability to forgive. My brother who introduced me to the music world of The Kinks and endured a little sister lusting after all of his hot friends. An older sister who let me learn from her mistakes, confided in me and treated me like an adult far before anyone else did. A little sister who I raised as if she was my own, of whom I am still fiercely protective, regardless of how different we may be.
I have friends without whom I could not breathe, let alone function through the day. When I look back a the course of my life, my family and my friends are the people who loved and supported me, forgiven me my mistakes and transgressions, and allowed me to become the person I am today.
At age 8 I met Melanie – and the rest of the St. Mike’s girls – with whom I endured puberty, years-long crushes on boys and my first sips of beer and drags on cigarettes.
At 15 I met Amie, the girl who would change my life and who I can’t imagine my life without. We drank together, we smoked together and we’ve made memories we can’t even remember together.
At 18 I fell in love – during the course of that love, I lost a piece of me because I just couldn’t fathom the life-changing responsibility and it’s something I can’t say I regret, but I will always feel could have been handled differently. At 28 I left my first love behind me, determined that there must be someone better suited for me.
At 19 I met some life-long friends who, while it may be difficult to stay in touch and see each other, I always carry with me and could always be honest with. Those few times I broke down before them, they carried me and let me have a moment or two of weakness.
At 28 I forged a friendship with a young man who is one of my best friends – my designated date, my shopping buddy and decorating guru, my Mikey.
At 29 I met the man who would scar me forever – scar me emotionally, physically, and scar the relationship I hold with my family. But I cannot regret meeting him, because without him I wouldn’t have my Justy and Ruby in my life, and through them, their families, who are as important to me as if they were my own. Because of who I met through him, I met Sara and Matt who allowed me to disappear for a couple years, only to welcome me back with open arms when I resurfaced. I have my spiritual advisor in Phillis, who knew what was going to happen before I even did, and encouraged and supported me when it all came to pass.
At 33 I lost what I felt was my one gift from God, my baby, who I had prayed for and never thought I could have. For some reason, God and nature decided that it wasn’t meant to be and my angel was taken from me, but never from my heart.
At 35 my nephew was born, the most adorable and happiest baby I have ever delighted in changing and feeding and burping. The family dynasty will go on and this child will never want for anything as long as his Auntie has anything to say about it.
In my 35 years I’ve endured a lot of shit. I’ve been beaten down, debilitated by a painful disease, lost my baby and almost alienated my family. I have hardened myself against love as a reflex – love from a man has only ever hurt me. But the love of my family and friends is overwhelming at times and I wonder if they know how much I need and appreciate them?
Is there anything I want and ask for in life? Of course – I would like to believe that there really is a man out there who will be able to break down the wall I’ve built around a heart that has been broken and used too many times to count. But in the meantime, I am grateful. My family who never gave up on me, my “other” family and friends who accept me for every bit of me – from the slut to the drinker to the smoker and back around again.
But as I watch the clock approach midnight and Thanksgiving Day officially arrives, I realize I need to stop being ungrateful at the fact that I haven’t found another true love in a man, and be grateful for all the love I DO have from the people in my life. Ok, and for the fact that I am a great lay and could suck-start a Buick, but really for the people in my life who have made such a difference, who surround me with love and encouragement and acceptance, I say Thank You. I love you, I need you and appreciate every little thing you do for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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