12 Days of Christmas….or More like 35?

12 Days of Christmas? Try the 35 Days of Christmas! It’s November 20^th and it seems like the week before Thanksgiving, Everything Christmas is in high-gear and completely unavoidable!

 35^th Day Of Christmas: Select radio stations start playing Christmas Carols, and only Christmas Carols, 24/7.  You don’t mind, as you still bounce along to Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas…”

 34^th Day Of Christmas: Anyone who lives in Ohio is going to take advantage of the unseasonably decent weather and hang all their Christmas lights and decorations. Yes our yards are green, but it’s better than risking your neck hanging them in six inches of snow as it sleets.

 33^rd Day Of Christmas: It’s time to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving – chuckle to yourself at the old women in the grocery store who are wearing their Christmas felt-appliqued vests – and vow  you will never be one of those women who wears a Christmas sweater.

 32^nd Day Of Christmas:  Realize as you hear “Feliz Navidad” for the third time today, that you hate that song as much now as you did 20 years ago – you speak French, for Christ’s sake!

 31^st Day Of Christmas: Vow to buy your greeting cards and get them sent the first week of December.  Stand in the store for half an hour as you calculate who all you will send a card to…then once you calculate the postage on 75 cards, scale it back to 25 people who damn well better appreciate the cards you’re sending…. God Damn It! That bitch just took the last box that matched the rest! Fuck it – no one’s going to know anyways.

 30^th Day Of Christmas: Make your list of who you want to shop for.  Check the balance of your checking account and think about the trip to Italy you’re taking next year.  Scale back the list, wonder how many crocheted scarves you can make in three weeks and hit Big Lots to see what you can find on sale. It’s the night before Thanksgiving – go get shitfaced.

 29^th Day Of Christmas: It’s Thanksgiving – wake up, puke and head to your Mom’s house to start cooking dinner for your family.  Spend the next four hours on a hard tile floor, drinking wine (hair of the dog) and preparing a feast that your ungrateful relatives will scarf down in 20 minutes.   Wonder why you aren’t one of the kids who gets to sit around and read or nap before dinner, especially since you were the one puking at 7:00 this morning.

 28^th Day Of Christmas: It’s Black Friday.  It’s 6:00 a.m. and you are pulling up to your cousin’s house because, for some reason, probably because you were drunk, you agreed to go shopping with her and her sons to laugh at everyone.  It’s more like people are laughing at you because you’re the moron who’s up this early and isn’t even fucking shopping!

 27^th Day Of Christmas:   Sleep until 2:00 in the afternoon.  Get a call from your mother informing you that everyone’s going shopping for the family you adopted this year (which you forgot about) and to get your ass over there so we can shop together.  Drive to the shopping center and proceed to watch everyone go in separate directions, to different stores, as you shop for Kl-a-deesh’a, the girl you were assigned, who is 10 years old and a size 22.  Wonder if you read that wrong and call your mother.  She will confirm – the mother is a size 26 and they are at the fat-store next door because they knew Target sizes wouldn’t go up that big.  Hang up and wonder how in the hell someone gets to be that big in just 10 years, wonder how big her boobs are and vow to never eat again.

 26^th Day Of Christmas:  You love your family, but you’re so glad everyone is heading home today.  Go over for some last-minute goodbye’s and then head home to relax.  Decide that THIS year, you’re going to have an easy-going Christmas season and will not over-do it.

 25^th Day Of Christmas:  Return to work to find 150 emails from China because what the hell do they care about America’s Thanksgiving and wish to hell your company had no presence in Asia because they are all stupid. 

 24^th Day Of Christmas: spend the day in meetings discussing year-end planning. Jesus Christ – it’s only the second day of December! Can’t we fucking enjoy the holiday season for a fucking minute?

 23^rd Day Of Christmas: Decide that if you went shopping a couple evenings a week between now and Christmas, you could avoid Christmas shopping on the weekends with the rest of humanity and wouldn’t that be nice?  Curse the other assholes in the department stores who had the same idea and have caused a line of twelve people at the one check-out lane that is open.

 22^nd Day Of Christmas: Go to the Dollar Store and every other knick knack paddy-whack store to find charming but cheesey gifts for your best friend who is a gift whore and must have more presents to unwrap than anyone else Christmas morning – more than even her child – and so it has fallen to you and her mother to provide as much individually wrapped shit as possible for her. 

 21^st Day Of Christmas: Spend an evening with your Dad, helping him make the 100 pans of homemade Fudge (Phil’s Phamous Phabulous Phudge) that he delivers to every person who’s ever said Hello.  You have ordered two pans to deliver to your best friend’s parents and your next door neighbors. You are determined to deliver them tomorrow.

 20^th Day Of Christmas: Go to get cash out to buy your stamps for the cards you intend to send out tomorrow and find out you have $65 left to your name until payday.  What the fuck?! Every year you try to plan and every year you run out of money and spend every night at your parents’ house mooching food and postage stamps from your mother.

 19^th Day Of Christmas: Appreciate the fact that people in the office are bringing in all sorts of yummy treats that they want to share with everyone, then remember that half those skanks don’t wash their hands after they take a piss and remember that the men putting their hands all over the food hold their dicks in their hands to piss and go back to your desk, Purell your hands and call your mother and ask her to make you some Christmas cookies.

 18^th Day Of Christmas: You’re no longer bouncing to Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas….” song….you’re really starting to wonder how that bitch hits those high notes.

 17^th Day Of Christmas:  Get your cousin’s Christmas Card with a picture of her boys on it, who are now almost 21, 18 and 15.  Smile, remind yourself you’re related to them and then realize that if they are almost 21, 18 and 15, you are getting really old because you were 14 when they were born. 

 16^th Day Of Christmas: Put another ornament up on a high bookshelf since your idiot of cat seems to think ornaments and lights on the tree are her toys.  Calmly explain to her that she could hurt herself on the lights and the ornaments are heirlooms.  When she dives back into the tree, smack her ass and tell her you hope she gets electrocuted, stupid fucking pain in the ass cat!

 15^th Day Of Christmas: Feel bad that you wished a terrible death on your cat and stop at the pet store to get her a Christmas stocking and two toys – never mind that her favorite toys are the strings that she rips off your throw pillows. You sure as hell don’t want to go to Hell for wishing death on your pet during Christmas.

 14^th Day Of Christmas:  Starting taking a laxative every night before bed because with all the shit you are now eating, you’re waiting to for your thighs to explode.

 13^th Day Of Christmas:  Oh My God – 13 more days before you can take down the tree and stop hearing Christmas carols?  Take a breath, do a shot of Captain and go have a smoke – is it you or is this the longest holiday season EVER?

 12^th Day Of Christmas: Inform your mother that you are NOT going to your Aunt’s house for Christmas Eve this year, because the food is always awful, everyone gets shit-housed and you don’t like dealing with you Uncle.  Plus you can’t just go home, you have to go back to Mom and Dad’s and hang your stockings because it’s a tradition.  Get “the look” from your mother and resign yourself to a night of annoyance because your mother tells you “If I have to deal with that bitch, so do You.”

 10^th Day Of Christmas:  Ten days ago, the Christmas texts with animated Santa’s fucking Rudolph, Mrs. Clause giving an elf a blow job and Frosty the Snowman with a stiffy were funny – now they’re just getting annoying and are slowing down your phone.

 9^th Day Of Christmas:  As you are wrapping every eraser, candle, pencil, dish towel, holiday glass, battery and lip gloss individually for the afore-mentioned best friend, with pieces of tape stuck to five fingers and the cat eating the bag of instant bows you bought, pause for a moment to wonder if she will ever out-grow her gift-whore ways, realize she won’t, pour a big glass of wine, text her and tell her you love her and suck it up and wrap all her shit up.

 8^th Day Of Christmas:  Finally manage to finish signing and addressing all your goddamn Christmas Cards.  Fuck it all – next year, you’re sending e-cards.

 7^th Day Of Christmas: Starting taking 2l axatives every night before bed because one just doesn’t seem to be causing enough of the shit you ate the day before to leave your body. Eating less is not a consideration because, after all, it’s the fucking holidays.

 6^th Day Of Christmas: Take a night to reflect on the past year and all the blessings….write off all the assholes you’ve dealt with in the last year and fuck yourself a couple of times with your favorite vibrator.

 5^th Day Of Christmas: Go grocery shopping with your mother.  As you go to the front of the store for a second cart, mumble to yourself that you’re not trying to feed the entire population of Stark County, just the 8 adults who will be there for dinner. Do 8 people really need three different pies to choose from? We are all gluttonous pigs.  Then argue with her when she says maybe she won’t make the sweet potato casserole because you’re already having mashed potatoes.  WHAT??  Insist that she has to make both because they are your favorites.  Stop for a box of laxatives on your way back from the produce section with sweet potatoes.

 4^th Day Of Christmas: Applaud your father for volunteering through Rotary to ring the Salvation Army bell at Walmart.  Go visit him and realize he’s enjoying it a bit too much as he flirts with every chick that walks by. Ho – Ho – Ho.

 3^rd Day Of Christmas: Finally deliver those stupid pans of fudge that have been sitting in your fridge for two weeks.  Thank God the shit lasts for six months and chuckle as you remember the year you made your little sister eat about four huge pieces and watched her puke right there in the kitchen.  Ahh the memories!

 2^nd Day Of Christmas: When Mariah’s fucking annoying Christmas song comes on, curse the bitch, YOU don’t have a man for Christmas so buy a toy and go fuck yourself and turn your iPod on to some Metallica.

 1^st Day Of Christmas: Go to your Aunt’s house for Christmas Eve dinner.  Thank God that you filled up on cheese and crackers at Mom and Dad’s house with everyone beforehand since we all know the food will suck.  After hanging your stockings, go to your best friends’ parents’ house, have Floyd pour you a very strong Captain and Coke and enjoy a smoke and some laughs with your “true” family before you go home to pass out. After all, you have to be at your Mom’s house at 7:30 in the morning to open stockings. AFTER you eat breakfast as a family. 

Two days after Christmas: Your tree is down, the Christmas cards are packed away and none of your pants fit because of the extra seven pounds you’ve gained this month.  Merry Fucking Christmas.

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Tags: 12 Days of Christmas, 12 days of christmas parody, christmas cards, christmas carols, christmas tree, funny 12 days of christmas, funny twelve days of christmas, holidays, Mariah Carey, Metallica, Twelve Days of Christmas, Walmart

This entry was posted on November 30, 2009 at 1:29 pm and is filed under Random tidbits and insight. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.