How to Manage Your Christmas Shopping This Year:

1. Make a list of everyone you want to shop for, as well as five generic hostess/”shit they gave me something but they weren’t on my buy-for list” gifts
2. Come up with at least two ideas for a gift for each person and list estimated prices for the gifts
3. Scour the newspaper and store inserts for coupons for anything relatively close to the ideas you have for gifts – the economy is tight, you need to stretch your dollar.
4. Sum up the cost of Christmas gifts – after you say “Fuck Me!” make yourself a cocktail and revise your list.  If someone buys you a gift who wasn’t on your normal exchange list, fuck ‘em.
5. Go to the basement and see if you have any old wedding gifts still in their original boxes – it’s not the money spent that counts, it’s the thought – and re-gifting something is a sacrifice for you because you could be selfish and keep that second picnic basket.  Or Cocoa-Motion machine.
6. Manage to select the cheaper of all presents, saving about $200 and feel that you can handle spending the balance on presents.  Assholes better appreciate your thought and generosity.
7. Go to WalMart to see what items you can find really really cheap.  Why spend $25 on a onesie at Baby GAP when you can get three onsies, a pair of jeans, two pairs of socks and a sweater for $25 at WalMart? The kid’s gonna outgrow this shit in a month anyways.
8. Using the clearance aisles at Target, WalMart and the Dollar Store, find all your stocking stuffers.  Refrain from buying your mother an ashtray (seeing as how she doesn’t smoke) but actually spend five minutes contemplating the bikini-cut underwear because you KNOW she has been wearing those ratty granny-panties for the last 35 years of her life and she really needs something that doesn’t sag lower than her own butt cheeks.
9. Decide to head to the mall so you can get the remainder of your Christmas shopping completed in one trip.  Smoke three cigarettes as the usual 10 minute trip takes 30 minutes because of holiday traffic.  Wonder where all these people are the other 11 months of the year.
10. Drive around the parking lot for ten minutes trying to find a spot close to the mall.  Decide that you could use the exercise so you’re now enthusiastic about parking out in BFE [Butt Fucking Egypt].  Finally find a parking spot – the mall is half a mile away because you’ve had to park in a shopping center across the street from the mall.  Light a cigarette and start your trek.
11. By the time you get into the mall and you realize the heat is turned up to 85, immediately wish you had left your huge winter coat in the car half a mile away.  Take it off and carry as you start to peruse all the wonders of Christmas gifts in Macy’s. 
12. Thirty seconds later, be prepared to body-slam the next 85 pound over-makeup’d bitch you spritzes you with perfume.  Decide that stepping out of Macy’s and into the heart of the mall will do you some good and calm you down – you’ll hit Macy’s on your way out.
13. Go into Claire’s Boutique to find some earrings for a special little girl.  Walk out in 41 seconds after fighting the urge to strangle the 15 tweens in their giggling and chomping gum and fighting over glitter things that go in their hair.  Decide that special little girl deserves something more personal that just a pair of earrings.
14. Head to Sears to find that heavy flannel jacket thing for your father.  As you approach the entrance, wonder why Sears’ always has the look of trailer-park Roseanne Barr type of store.  Step ten feet into the store and realize the reason it feels like a trailer-park Roseanne Barr type of store is because it is.  As you see the size 26 women fighting over elastic-waistband pants and polyester Christmas sweaters, silently say a prayer to God thanking him for all you have in your life, including a house that is not on wheels, cannot be attached to a hitch or moved once you disconnect it from the water line and unplug it from the generator.
15. Glance at your phone and realize you’ve bee in the mall for 45 minutes, you’re sweating, you’re contemplating throwing away your coat because it only cost you $50 at Burlington Coat Factory and you haven’t bought one fucking thing because you keep getting too annoyed at all the people surrounding you and leaving stores.
16. Run into Peggy, that skinny bitch you haven’t seen since you graduated from high school and her four stair-step, adorable children.  After she tells you how successful her husband is, that they live in the richest neighborhood in your county and can’t you tell? She’s pregnant with her fifth child, look her straight in the eye and tell her you’re divorced, no kids, 1 satanic cat and a house in the city, but you can fuck whoever you want whenever you want, so have a great holiday season.  Fight the urge to leave the mall and go do a shot at the bar across the street.  Why don’t they have a bar in the mall???
17. Walk into Express to find a sweater for your sister because she loves Express. Walk right out because you’ll be damned if you’re spending $65 on a fucking sweater! Realize you’ve got an issue spending money on people other than yourself.  You don’t blink at spending $300 at Target for retail therapy, but spend money on something someone else would like and you get so tight you could shit diamonds.
18. Realize this is a lost cause – you need a break.  Leave the mall, throw your coat in your car and walk into Panini’s and do a shot of Captain with a chaser of Captain and Coke.  Smoke a cigarette and decide that since you like Target so much, you’ll go to Target and find everyone’s gifts there.
19. Drive to target.  After entering the shopping center from Hell, roll down your window, take a breath and try to find a parking spot.  After almost bumper-fucking three cars, wonder who the fuck designed this parking lot??  Pull into a spot.  Put the car into park.  Look around you and realize for every car you see in the sea of cars, there is at least one person in Target belonging to those cars.  Begin to hyperventilate at the thought of dealing with all of the derelicts of mankind in Target and the checkout lines that will reach back to baby car seats.  Put the car in reverse and drive home.
20. Walk into your house, go to your bedroom and masturbate.  Put on your pajama’s, order a pizza and pour yourself a glass of wine.  Go online and order gifts for everyone on your list.  Proudly walk into the office the next day and tell everyone you got all your Christmas shopping done.  When someone mentions a gift for you boss, feel your heart start to palpitate, then take a breath and say “a gift card would be great for him!” because you can pick it up at Giant Eagle the next time you go to the grocery store.  You are done  Christmas shopping and can’t understand why people bitching about it – it wasn’t that bad!

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Tags: christmas shopping, women's wit

This entry was posted on December 3, 2009 at 10:47 am and is filed under Lessons, Guidelines, Rules to live by. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.