What Women REALLY Mean……

Ok, let’s face it, ladies.  We have to admit, there are times that we say something and it’s not what we mean.  And then when we DO say what we mean, the men in our lives don’t think we really mean it.  So gents, here you go – a guide to what a woman really means when she says:

 “Oh, babe, I have a headache.”  What she really means is that she is so bored with your sex life that she’d rather sneak a 30 second session with her BOB (battery operated boyfriend….vibrator, you idiot) in the bathroom than have to endure 17 minutes of you sweating all over her, squeezing her titties and thinking that it’s such a turn on for her, only for her to fake her orgasm and wonder if that sale starts tomorrow or Friday at Macy’s. Oh Baby!

 “I just want to get a couple decorations for the house.”  What she really means is that she’s going to hit the local wholesaler, Flower Factory, and come home with a trunk full of bows, outdoor lights, wreaths, Santa’s, Snowmen, electric candles for the windows, garland, new throw rug, decorative Christmas dishes, tall pillar candles, picture frames, one silk plant, a ceramic frog, a feather boa for her niece, cat food, shampoo and conditioner, butane lighter fluid, a new throw for the sofa and three pillows for the bed.  If you are smart, you will not ask her how much she spent or ask why her niece needs a feather boa.  You will assist in unloading the car, watch her redecorate the house and tell her how much nicer it looks now – how did you ever manage without that new chiminea on the back patio?  See posting on Retail Therapy if you are unable to grasp the joy that comes to women when they shop, especially at wholesale prices.

 “Nothing’s wrong – I’m fine.”  WARNING!!!! If your wife/girlfriend utters this phrase, NOTHING is fine.  She’s pissed.  If she’s calm when she utters it, it’s probably because she’s silently plotting your demise.  Best approach?  Cautiously approach her. Remove the butcher’s knife from her hand and envelop her in a hug. Tell her that you know something is wrong, and that you can’t fix it if she won’t tell you what’s wrong.  That you love her and want to put a smile back on her face.  Even if it has nothing to do with you – ok, let’s face it, it probably does – apologize for it.  SAY YOU’RE SORRY.   Think about what she does for you – she irons your clothes, she cleans the kitchen.  She scrubs the toilet.  She sucks the cum out of your cock.  Apologize to the woman and make her feel better, already!

 “Of course I love your mother – she gave me you!”  What she really means is that she can’t stand that snakey bitch who constantly belittles her, talks about your first fiancé as the “one who got away” and makes comments that someone women just shouldn’t have babies because they’ll just get fatter.  It takes all the power in your wife/girlfriend to NOT stab your mother in the eye and takes ten seconds of deep breathing to remind her that she loves YOU, loves your sex life and some point, the bitch just HAS to die (right?).

 “I don’t want to talk about it.”  Ok, this is bullshit.  We do want to talk about it – we want you to be interested in whatever it is that has happened, to not take an irrational stand, to actually listen to us and offer us good advice. To sit there and listen about an argument we’ve had with our closest girlfriend and you to say “well I always did think she was a bitch – you should just terminate that friendship” is WRONG WRONG WRONG.  We love our girlfriends. A fight is not reason to end anything – my God, we’re still with you, right?  Remember Switzerland. Stay neutral.  We aren’t looking for an answer from you, we just want you to listen to us, commiserate and then comfort us.  It is NOT the time for you to share your true feelings about our girlfriends, boss, career, manner of dress, weight or hair color. Just shut up and listen.

 “I’m DONE talking about this.”  We mean it – don’t try to keep discussing it.  Don’t try to make it better, don’t keep arguing your side.  When we say we’re done, we’re done.  If you keep needling us about it, we’ll needle you right up your ass and through your prostate.

 “I’m just going to run a couple quick errands.”  What she really means is that even though she quit smoking three years ago, you have now made her so crazy that she feels the need to meet a girlfriend at a hole-in-the-wall bar to do two shots, have three beers and smoke ten cigarettes before dousing herself in perfume and coming home to you and avoid becoming homicidal.  Fear not – she’ll come home loosened up and you’ll probably get laid, so just let her go.

 “I just want to be left alone.”  What she really means is that she does not feel loved, she doesn’t know if she can continue to live with a man who leaves his dirty coffee spoon on the counter rather than put it in the sink and cannot dump the coffee grounds out of the coffee maker when you are done with that morning’s coffee.  She’s wondering if there is a man out there who won’t put his ice cold feet under her ass to warm them up.  Maybe there’s a guy out there who doesn’t shoot snot out of his nose rather than blow it.  Proceed with caution guys.  Clean up a room – any room that she’s not sitting in.  Make her a cup of her favorite tea.   Bring it to her, sit down next to her, give her a kiss on the forehead and tell her you love her, that you’re so lucky to have a woman who accepts all your strange habits and loves you anyways and that you’d like to just hold her for awhile. Then nicely make love to her, don’t make her do a damn thing during sex and everything should be good.  Later that night, as she reflects on how wonderful it is to have a man who loves you, she’ll probably fuck you right there on the couch, complete with a blow job. See how nicely this works out for both of you?

 “I REALLY just want to be left alone.”  Run for the hills. Do not approach her, do not touch her.  Calmly respond that you’re going to (a) run some errands (b) run to the library (c) run off a bridge – doesn’t really matter, just leave calmly and give her time to be alone.  Do not contact her while you’re gone.  She’s trying to not to start a bonfire with your clothes.  Leave her be.  When you do come home, don’t slam the door or pitch a fit because you don’t understand what she’s so pissed about. It doesn’t matter.  If you start acting like a dick, you may end up with a dent in your head from the sauce pan.  In fact, to come home with a nice dinner you’ve picked up her favorite restaurant would be a great way to make her feel better.  (1) it’s her favorite food and (2) doesn’t result in dishes and pots and pans she’s got to clean up afterwards.  Bring a bottle of wine too – sure to loosen her up and let’s face it, women always feel better after they cum a few times.

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Tags: what women mean, women

This entry was posted on December 11, 2009 at 9:10 am and is filed under Lessons, Guidelines, Rules to live by. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.