Men: What You Should and Should NOT Say
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve heard friends complain about the stupid shit their boyfriends or husbands say, not to mention the waterfall of crap I’ve had the pleasure to hear over the years, that make us want to bury their bodies in a pig pen (because pigs will eat ANYTHING). So I thought I’d take a moment to give the chicks a laugh and give the men some pointers one what you should, and should NOT, say to a woman if you value your life and want to get some ass.
In this day and age, it’s most likely both people in a relationship are working. As such, when you both finally make it home from work, I’d advise men to NOT say, “what are you making for dinner? And not that weird chicken shit you made a couple weeks ago because that gave me the shits and I wanna fuck later.” It would be wiser to say, “you know, we’ve both had a really long day. How about I run and get us a pizza and a six pack, we eat off paper plates so we don’t have to do dishes, put in a movie and just enjoy a relaxing evening?” I promise not only will your chick appreciate this gesture, but she will also give you head and start riding you on the couch because, after all, she has such a sweet man who just wanted to spend time with her.
Your woman is getting ready to go out for a night with the girls. You take one look at her outfit and say “Hell No! You are not wearing that! You look like a fucking whore – what the fuck – are you going trolling for ass tonight?” To which your girl will respond with adding more mascara, telling you to go fuck a duck and turning off her cell phone as she drives off. OR you could try this: “Wow – you look absolutely incredible! What time do you have to meet the girls? Do we have ten minutes… because you are so beautiful, I just want a few minutes to worship you and make you cum – please?” And thus, it’s highly likely your girlfriend will drop her jeans and bend over for a pounding from behind, having an orgasm or three and then you’ll send her on her way. She will spend the rest of the night telling her girlfriends how great you are, will be craving more ass and will probably meet you out later so you can get home and finish what you started.
It’s Valentine’s Day weekend. You have always been an ardent opposer to “Hallmark Holidays” and insist that you don’t buy into “all that superficial bullshit” that surrounds Valentine’s Day. And then you make plans to play poker all night with your friends. Congratulations – you have now proven to your significant other that you cannot, for one day, put your ridiculous, cheap-ass, selfish, idiotic and moronic tendencies aside and take the time to buy a $10 bouquet of flowers at Giant Eagle, a sappy card that expresses in some way, shape or form that you love your partner and tell her how special she is. It is highly likely she will laugh in your face when she breaks up with you the next day because who wants to spend their future with a man who can’t suck it up and make her feel special on a day when everyone else’s husband or boyfriend is doing so? He’s probably the same guy who, when you are pushing out his 10 pound son from a hole the size of a quarter, that it hurt more when he got punched in the face by that semi-pro wrestler.
Your wife decides she wants to repaint the spare room. The drab white walls are bugging the hell out of her. So she chooses a nice pale green and a charming border to hang afterwards. After she spends two evenings priming the walls, she puts the first coat on…that pale green is more like lime green. You laugh your ass off and tell her she has the taste of a 70 year old woman tripping on acid and walk away, telling her to enjoy fixing that shit up. When you wake up the next morning, I’m not sure why you’d be surprised to find your driver’s side door still tacky from the lime green paint that hasn’t dried yet. OR you could say “oh honey, maybe they messed up the mix at Lowe’s – let’s run and get another can and make sure this is going to be the color you want. I’ll help you prime over this stuff and we’ll attack the room together tomorrow night.” You save yourself from repainting your car door, you allow your wife to maintain her dignity and also ensure that you don’t spend the next week sleeping on the couch because “even a 70 year woman tripping on acid wouldn’t want to share a bed with a cock-knob like you.”
See how we women think? Pay attention to me and you can save yourself from sounding like the 1st inductee into the Asshole Hall of Fame.
Popularity: 1% [?]
This is a great post!. I have “a lurker on your blog for quite some time. You make some very interesting points in this one.Just wanted to say keep up the good work!
[Reply]