Breaking Up Ain’t Hard To Do….
Let’s face it – when you examine any issues that may have arisen, or warning signs, or whatever the case may be, in a relationship you’ve been involved in, it’s simple to break up with someone. ESPECIALLY if it’s only been a few weeks. Regardless of any feelings that may have developed, a new relationship that is nipped in the bud is not complicated, there are no shared checking accounts, housing, animals or children.
Regardless of how you may feel about someone, if you have had three fights over ridiculous issues….such as jealousy over the color of your bra posted on Facebook (to raise breast cancer awareness), discussions you’ve had online in a blog forum with other men, flirting shamelessly and talking about sex (months before you met your boyfriend) or sitting next to your ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend in a bar…. Maybe it’s time to re-evaluate things.
Do you really want to have to watch every single thing that comes out of your mouth in casual conversation or texting? Do you want to ensure that you never mention having had sex with any other man, even in general passing “one time I got busted by my Mom having sex with my boyfriend?” Are you two consenting adults who had sex lives prior to meeting? Who gives a shit how many people you’ve slept with or who you’ve slept with and when? If I’m fucking you now, who cares who you fucked 10 years ago? Christ – maturity anyone? Get a little less possessive.
Regardless of your reasons – I don’t care if you had a bad hair day and he said your hair looked fat – you ended it. You’re moving on immediately. When the guy continuously emails and texts you, you’re going to get irritated. When you are battling a bladder infection, your patience is going to be very, very short. When, the next morning, you haven’t been able to pee at all and he continues to email you and text you, ranging from he still loves you to you’re an evil, psychotic, heartless bitch and he hates you, you’re not going to give a royal fuck as you are driving your ass to the ER to get catheterized so you can finally fucking empty your bladder. When you’re sitting there, catheter in, bladder emptying, listening to a doctor tell you you’re fucking GOING HOME with the catheter in, and that the nurse will show you how to remove it, and the dude texts you to say you will always have a special place in his heart, you will laugh your ass off, cringe because laughing hurts with a rubber tube in your vagina and thank God you ended it because DAMN!
When you finally manage to get into bed, unsure of how you’re going to sleep with a rubber tube in your vagina, snaking down to the pee bag strapped to your leg, completely uncomfortable and restless and the dude calls you, you will sigh and put your phone on your nightstand and be glad he doesn’t have a key to your house. When you wake up in the morning and see he called again, you will delete the voicemail without listening to it because really? What – you’re going to change your mind? You’ve been called an evil, heartless bitch – mmmmm terms of endearment.
After you calmly text him, tell him not to call, it’s done, goodbye, and he proceeds to send 10 more text messages, you won’t even read them. You will, however, hang on to them to refer to later when you examine the craziness of the last 48 hours and probably pull some good quotes for your blog. You will then situate yourself in your comfy brown chair, ask God to send a GOOD GUY (no Gemini’s) your way, try to ignore the nagging discomfort of the rubber tube in your vagina, tell your mother you don’t want to put anything in your vagina for at least a month and get online to write this post.
Jesus Christ – if someone breaks up with me, I don’t go crazy. I walk away. I toss the pictures, see the big picture and move on. What the fuck is up with men, or women for that matter, going completely ape shit for 48 hours??? Is rejection that hard? Is your self-esteem and self-worth so dependent on a successful relationship or, worse, a particular individual you’ve been dating for six weeks, that you have to lose your mind?
No thanks. This is me, writing down the qualities of my perfect man, putting that list into my copy of The Secret and reading my new astrology book to find the perfect astrological sign said man should possess……
Which reminds me….I should write a post on astrology and the partners I’ve had under those signs…..Damn I love inspiration. I’ll get on that as soon as I remove my catheter this afternoon.
How many women get to use that line? “I’d love to help you, but I have to remove my catheter this afternoon.” LMAO
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That was very awesomely funny. But, from what I can tell, damn near everything you write is awesomely funny. Thanks for the smile.
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