The Difference Between Dating A 17 Year-Old And A 35-Year Old

Apparently, men these days seem to rely on many of the strategies that succeeded in snagging the girl in high school; unfortunately, they are using those strategies on women in their 30’s and let’s face it, that shit’s just not going to fly.  So when I awoke at 3:00 this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep, the following guidelines came to me and I thought I’d share them.  Because men need to be educated in the ways of a woman – and I have experienced all of these so don’t sit there and say “no way, a guy would never really say/do that to a woman in her 30’s!?” because I have experienced this firsthand.

Giving a promise ring.  If you give a promise ring to a 17-year old girl, with its little diamond chip in the middle of a heart, she will swoon and most definitely give you the best 10 minutes of your life. She will love for all eternity, or at least until you go separate ways to college. 

If you give a promise ring to a 35-year old woman, complete with its little diamond chip in the middle of a heart, unless she is a hooker, she will sit there and say “oh shit, what the fuck is this? I am a professional woman, I hold three college degrees and he’s giving me a cheesy heart ring with a little diamond chip? Are you kidding me?”  She’s 35 guys – diamond studs would be more appropriate if you want to give a gift of diamonds that will actually be worn and not placed onto a key chain to remind her to NEVER get hooked up with a crazy 37-year old man who thinks buying a promise ring for a woman is at all appropriate or romantic.

Giving a stuffed animal.  Give any kind of stuffed animal to a 17-year old girl and she will sleep with it and dream of you and think you the sweetest boy in the world.  Give one to a woman and she’ll think “really?”  Now granted, she may have explained that her best friends have started to give her “Build-a-Bear” bears for special occasions – the “Patches” bear when you were going for major surgery in Atlanta, a Birthday Bear, a British Guard bear for when one of your best friends moved to England.  Such bears cost at least $50 to $75 once you get them dressed.  They are NOT $5 bin bears from Borders. 

Give a woman a $5 bin bear from Borders and she will think “are you kidding me? I’m 35 – do I look or act like someone who sleeps with stuffed animals? Does he not know, after spending countless nights in my bedroom, that all of my expensive bears are kept on top of my armoire and that I do not sleep with them? Jesus Christ – what the fuck do I do with this thing?”  When she later goes to get something out of her room and sees you’ve placed the bin bear on the bed, she will hang her head and wonder “who the hell is this guy and what the fuck – maybe I’ll give it to the neighbor’s daughter?”  She’s 35 guys – a $5 bin bear is not the way to her heart.

Buying a bottle of wine.  If you can manage to buy liquor and not get caught when you’re a teenager, plan some romantic evening with your 17-year old girlfriend that doesn’t include a romp in the backseat of your Corsica and have a bottle of screw-top wine, she’ll be so swept away by your efforts, and having no discernable wine palate as of yet, you will most certainly get laid.  If you take your 35-year old girlfriend and spend no less than 15 minutes scouring the aisle for a “late harvest Riesling” then take 5 more minutes debating between two different bottles, completely disregarding your 35-year old girlfriend’s distaste for sweet white wines, she will laugh her ass off when she pulls it out of the fridge a few days later.

You see, after she has broken up with you because she realized you really were a tool, she will, after an exhausting day of endless “I hate you!” “I love you!” text messages and emails, desire a glass of wine.  She will remember there’s that bottle that took 20 minutes to decide on that you never even cracked open.  She will take it out of the fridge and grab her corkscrew and then stop and laugh – because it took you 20 fucking minutes to select a fucking screw-top bottle of wine?!  She will pour a glass, realize it’s a dessert wine and dump it, all the while shaking her head and wondering if the next man she dates will know how to pick out a bottle of wine, not something that belongs in the family of Boone’s Farm!

Buying her a Coach purse.  If you buy your 17-year old girlfriend a Coach purse, you will most likely receive blow jobs on a daily basis for at least a month straight.  Because anyone who will give a girl a $200 to $400 purse is WORTH blowing for a month of Sundays. 

If, however, you give your wife a Coach purse in an attempt to bribe her to NOT leave your ass and file for divorce, it won’t work.  She will happily take, and keep forever, the Coach purse – after all, it’s a Coach – and she will include it in the bag of things she takes from the house, including her laptop and dog, when she leaves.  Nice try, and way to play up to her purse-whore tendencies, but even a Coach isn’t going to get her to want to stay with you.  But she will forever appreciate adding to her Coach collection.

Laying claim to her vagina.  When you are screwing a 17-year old girl and you exclaim to her, in the throws of passion, that you “love her pussy and this pussy is yours” she will probably cum right there because it’s so sweet to know how much he desires you. 

When a man is screwing a 35-year old woman and claiming that pussy to be his and only his, and making his 35-year old girlfriend repeat over and over again “it’s YOUR pussy” she will really be thinking “the fuck it is – this pussy is mine, bitch – you just happen to be fucking it right now.  What makes you think YOU own it after dating me and fucking me for a month? What the fuck? Is this really that last cock I’ll ever have in my pussy? Wow – do I really WANT this to be the last cock in my pussy? Get over yourself and just fuck me for Christ’s sake. You can stake your claim when you put a 2-carat diamond on my finger.”

 Any of this making sense to you guys?

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This entry was posted on January 27, 2010 at 10:50 am and is filed under Random tidbits and insight. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.