Cranky Bitch
Do you ever wake up and you’re just not in a good mood? While you try to smile and joke with your boss and your friends, inside you’re just a gigantic cranky bitch who wants to tell the world to fuck off?
When the annoying guy in your department asks you if you need something, it’s all you can do to NOT say “no, I just asked you to do that to see if you’d listen to me, you stupid little retarded fuck.”
The manager of investor relations mentions that a table is changing and you instantly get irritated, asking “My God, aren’t you people ever going to stop changing these damn tables?” and he looks at you like you’re on crack, then explains it’s the earnings release that is changing, not the tables your department does, and don’t you look like the bitch of the day?
You walk into your boss’s office and become extremely irritated at the little Christmas tin that is sitting on his desk. It’s been sitting there since mid-December and contained the Chex mix that his administrative assistant gave him for Christmas. You pick it up and ask if you can please throw it away because My God, it’s February for God’s sake. When he gives you an odd look, tells you to give it back to the admin for her to reuse and makes the comment “you know, I go off on some odd tangents, but really? Out of everything you have to choose from, you’re getting upset over a tin?” This is when it dawns you that you are a cranky bitch today.
You become increasingly annoyed and irritated at the printer by your desk. “What the fuck – is everyone printing here today? Mixing up my print jobs with theirs? Throwing my shit all over the place? O great! Now it’s out of fucking paper!”
You check your personal email and one of your friends has sent you a forward….it has some cute duck in it with some cute sayings. Who the hell knows, exactly, because you were so cranky, you read one of the phrases, got irritated at the pictures of a duck everywhere and the cutesy-ootsy tone of the email and promptly deleted it.
You catch yourself almost uttering the phrase “I don’t give a fuck” when you boss says “Oh, hey, do me a favor?” This is when you realize you are REALLY NOT in a good mood and need to either limit your exposure to the human race today or else smoke yourself into an attitude adjustment because at this rate, you’ll be stabbing a Senior VP in the eye with your switchblade by 3:00 pm.
I’m gonna go home at noon, smoke some cigarettes and masturbate with my favorite vibrator and fuck myself into a better mood.
For the record, it worked. Thank God for BOBs! [Battery Operated Boyfriend, and PETE is one of the best! LOL]
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