Redbook’s “What a Man Really Wants in Bed.” (snore)
So as I’m perusing the internet, I stumble upon Redbook’s 10 Things Your Man Really Wants in Bed [http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/your-man-wants-in-bed]. This is ridiculous. Number one, ladies, if you don’t know how to please a man in bed (and I realize some of you may be young and inexperienced), you need to ask a girlfriend, email me, read a playboy. But for God’s sake, don’t rely on some woman’s magazine!
They point out that they polled more than 5,000 married men and women, ages 25 to 45 to get the “nitty gritty” on sex.
Ok – first of all, you’re polling married people rather than the people actually HAVING all the sex. Unlike my future husband, whoever that lucky bloke may be, who will be getting ass as much as he can stand because I am a walking horn-dog, most married women don’t give it up as often as men would like. But yes – by all means, don’t promote sex outside of marriage, keep it proper and only consult the folks who are legally binded to each other.
As I have now finally finished laughing here they are, with, of course, my own commentary instead of the clinical, priestly explanations Redbook provided..
Secret #1: Enthusiasm – as in, initiating sex. And not turning down sex because it’s “inconvenient.”
Ok – I’ll buy this one – you’re talking to the girl who will give her boyfriend roadhead just because she can. A quickie against the clothes washer? Right on! Sex in the shower? How convenient! Blow job in the car before we head into the bar? Why not? Look ladies – as soon as you push your guy away “not now, honey” or fail to jump his bones, he’s going to lose interest. And then you’ll bitch that you guys “never make love anymore.” Sex is not a one-way street – masturbation is. With sex, you BOTH get to cum, so you should BOTH initiate, take control, ride each other, grab a quickie on the back porch while the kids are down the street.
And for all you guys out there – look, while marathon sex is great, it’s not something we require every single time you fuck us. Sometimes, that fast, 2 minute quickie in the bathroom while you’re having a cookout and all your friends are outside is JUST what we need! Because while all our friends are outside drinking, we got to FUCK! Woo hoo for us!
Secret #2: Variety
Never fuck the same way twice. That’s it.
Secret #3: Adventure
This is where they start talking about “making love” in a public place, role playing, etc….
Here’s a tip, chickas – buy lingerie. Buy some stiletto heels. When your man is on his way over to get you for just a casual night of drinking, open the door in a teddy, thigh-high red stockings and stilettos. While his mouth is still gaping open at the sexy sight in front of him, drop to your knees and suck his cock. At some point, he’ll regain control of his arms and will drag you to the bedroom to fuck, or fuck you right there on the floor, and either way will spend the rest of the evening thanking god that he has a woman who will do that for him.
Get into role playing – experiment with role-playing. And guys, believe it or not, you WILL like things in your ass – I’m not talking monster-purple dildo from the porn store, but anything from a tongue to a finger to a small dildo and I SWEAR to you – you will cum as you have never cum before. Prostate stimulation is the most powerful orgasm a man will ever have AND ladies, don’t forget, you can’t just manipulate his prostrate, you need to jack him off or suck him off at the same time. If you need further instructions, email me.
And fuck in public. I don’t care if it’s in a parking lot, broad daylight, in a theatre, a strip club, restroom, board room, wherever….you will BOTH get off on the naughtiness and risk of getting caught.
Secret #4: Generosity
So this is where they’re saying tit for tat, or eat her out for her giving you a blowjob. Depends on the woman…some of us don’t get hung up whether a guy eats us out or not – if you are NOT good at it, we probably won’t want you to bother. And if we suck at blowjobs, you probably won’t want us to bother either. But let’s assume that all women could suck start a Buick and all men know how to eat at the Y. Even-stevens, guys. I don’t mean that EVERY time you get head you need to reciprocate, but you damn well better not save the eating out for a once-a-month special occasion or suddenly we’ll develop a disdain for the taste of your cum. Oh and ladies? Swallow the damn cum. There’s no reason to suck-and-spit – it’s just cum. I mean, they swallow ours….
Secret #5: Authenticity
Apparently this is addressing the fact that you need to tell your “husband” (because remember, no good woman is going to fuck before marriage) what you want him to do, touch, lick, suck, bite, spank, choke….
If you have a problem expressing what you want with the person you’re fucking, you shouldn’t be fucking.
Secret #6: Attention
Basically, regardless of how many kids you have or how much you work, find time to fuck and pay attention to your partner. After all – look at the Duggar’s – that bitch has pushed out 19 fucking children – CLEARLY they still find time to fuck!
Secret #7: Courage
“To have the courage to put your needs aside and put the relationship’s needs first is really a big step in your own growth and in your life as a couple.” I honestly don’t know what the fuck Redbook is talking about here. Something about fighting about sex, don’t attack someone personally, needs are different, blah blah blah what the fuck? It’s fucking!
Secret #8: Confidence
I sort of already addressed this – follow your instincts, just enjoy each other and enjoy fucking. Realizing not every woman is a cum-machine like me (I cum A LOT) but most woman are probably satisfied with just having one normal orgasm. This isn’t a marathon to pound the shit out of her every time – it’s sex. God-willing, you don’t absolutely suck. And if you do, maybe you should go to Vegas and visit a brothel for a few days to learn how to fuck a woman. Other than that, go with the flow, realize that we don’t expect you to pound us for 90 minutes every time. Look – just have sex with us. The more you have sex, the better your recovery time, the more we can have sex, interject some smoke breaks. Screw the pressure – just screw us!
Secret #9: Physical Attraction
I don’t care what size you are, what your stretch marks look like, if your boobs are drooping a bit, etc… Your man is attracted to you or he wouldn’t be fucking you. Work up that sexiness – dress up for him, get naked for him (I always sleep nude – more convenient to fuck that way). People’s bodies change a lot of the years, sometimes they yo-yo, whatever. Sexy in your head, sexy in bed.
Secret #10: Absolute Delight
“You need a married honeymoon.” I don’t get how this fits under “Absolute Delight” but whatever – trips are always great opportunities to fuck. LOL
Hmmmmmmmm wonder if “Ladies Home Journal” has an article like this?
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