Dear Abby…I Hate Stupid People
DEAR ABBY: I walked into my dorm room and heard my roommate having sex in the bathroom. I promptly called my girlfriend to ask if she wanted to meet me. No sooner had I entered her number than I heard my girlfriend’s ring tone coming from our bathroom. It was her.
I clicked off, left the room and stayed at a friend’s for the night. Please tell me, did I do the right thing and what do I do now? — BETRAYED IN TORONTO
Ok, after I stopped laughing my ass off at this, I laughed some more. What should you do now? Well, let’s see, you could call one of your friends and ask if they’d now like a turn at her. You could fuck your roommate’s girlfriend. You could go fuck some other random girl. You could tag-team the whore with your roommate and then throw her clothes out your window and lock her out of the room then take pictures of her streaking across the green picking her clothes out of the bushes. You could remain silent, pick her up for a date and drop her off in front of a brothel, telling her “I thought you’d like to move in, since you’re a WHORE.” Or you could break up with her.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend recently moved in with me. We have a great relationship except that he is always slapping me on the bottom. He refers to it as “love taps.”
I have told him many times I regard it as degrading and frustrating. It stings and I hate it. I have told him 10 different times in 10 different ways, including getting so angry I screamed obscenities at him. When we get into little arguments, he will say, “That’s it! You deserve a spanking for that!” and proceeds to hit me again. I know he thinks it’s cute, and he obviously gets some sort of enjoyment out of it, but I am at my wits’ end.
How can I get it through his head that his behavior is not only offensive, it is seriously harming our relationship by creating resentment? Does he just not care about my feelings, or does he not take me seriously when I tell him to knock it off? — SORE IN CALIFORNIA
Oh, come on honey, they’re just love taps! Why are you so uptight? The solution is simple – you’ve tried communicating that his love taps are getting on your nerves and that they cause fights. So here’s what you do: the next time he gives you a little love tap because it’s just demonstrating how affectionate he is, love tap his nuts. Turn around and with a little upward swipe of your hand, love tap his nuts. Now, you love him, so don’t be too gentle – after all, you want him to “feel” how much you love him. If he still doesn’t get the picture, knee him hard in the nuts, tell him that’s exactly how much you love him right now and pack up his shit and kick him out – if the prick can’t understand that his love taps hurt you, annoy you and are anything BUT a demonstration of love, then he can enjoy have his testicles sucked out of his scrotum because you’ve permanently lodged them there with your knee “love tap.”
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing “Hillary” for a little more than a year. We’re both in our late 20s and just starting our careers. We both live with our parents.
We’ve been having problems because I’m not willing to move in with her. I have told Hillary many times that there is no audition for marriage, but she’s convinced it would “bring us closer.” Many of the people I’ve worked with ended up splitting shortly after moving in together. Conversely, many of Hillary’s friends moved in with significant others and were married shortly after. I admit, I’d like to take things slow (call me old-fashioned), but Hillary doesn’t know if she can wait until I feel ready to take this step or propose.
We acknowledge that we love each other. Our parents are not exactly rooting for us, so we’re taking another break from things. I suggested that we both find our own places for the time being. Hillary has never lived by herself. We don’t know what to do, and I’d like some advice from someone who doesn’t have a stake in this. — AT A CROSSROADS IN ILLINOIS
Ok – let’s first visit the fact that you’re both in your late 20s and still live with your parents. Grow up and move out. It’s called adulthood. I mean Christ – where do you guys fuck?? What kind of sex life do you have if you’re boning your girlfriend down the hall from her parents’ bedroom? Have you not even had shower sex because your little sister needed to use the bathroom? Fucking losers.
Plus, NO ONE should go from living with their parents to living with someone else. Everyone should live alone – it teaches you fiscal responsibility, independence and identity – plus you both need to have your own space and grow the fuck up, which you’ve clearly not done yet because you’re too busy sucking on your mother’s titties and living at home with mommy.
How’s this for an idea? YOU move out of your parents’ house and get your own place. Do NOT give your girlfriend a key because, after all, you’re on a break. Then discover how great it is to order pizza whenever you want, leave Christmas lights up until March and the joy of recycling cases of beer bottles because your Mom’s not there to bitch at you for drinking so much. Welcome to manhood, pussy.
DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and live most of the year on my college campus. I’m on a full scholarship, so my parents are not paying my tuition. Most of my mail — bank statements, etc. — still goes to my parents’ house since I don’t have a permanent address.
For the last two years, my mother has opened my bank statement and read the entire thing. She then calls me and goes through all of my card charges and checks, and asks me to explain where I was and what I bought.
I have tried telling her that I am an adult and that what I buy is my business, but she continues to do this every month. When I explained that I am capable of managing my own finances, she told me she was just worried about me and that “a mother ALWAYS has the right to worry about her only child.”
I understand she will always be concerned about my well-being, financial and otherwise, but this is taking it too far. How can I explain to her that it’s not OK to invade my privacy? I know she means well, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it’s really becoming a hassle. — COLLEGE CO-ED IN WILLIAMSBURG, VA.
This is an easy one – because clearly you’re too fucking stupid to get your own PO Box – order sex toy catalogs and have them sent to your parents’ house. They all come encased in an envelope so your mother will open it. Subscribe to every nasty catalog you can find. Then get a subscription to a lesbian porno magazine and have it sent to the house as well. Finally, forge yourself a pay stub from “Howie’s Big-Boob-A-Rama” and “Ricky’s Naked Co-eds” and mail it to the house. I have no doubt your mother will call you on those. Then you can explain “I’ve tried to tell you I’m an adult and to stop opening my mail. I’d love to explain all of the mail to you, but I’m late for a photo shoot with Ricky.”
Then start having all your mail sent to a PO Box, you ignorant moron.
Popularity: 3% [?]
I like the reasonable comments about going paperless for the nosey mom problem but I think the suggestion by SJ was by far the best. "Howie's Big-Boob-A-Rama"… where do you come up with this stuff?
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Dear Betrayed – Tell your girlfriend you heard your roommate having sex in the bathroom, but be sure to tell her it happened at a time when you know SHE was definitely not there. Then, tell your roommate that you have been cheating on your girlfriend.
Dear Sore – Change the locks and kick him out. If you are too dumb to get rid of him, then at least make a habit of casually mentioning his mother IMMEDIATELY after every "love tap". That will kill any weird erotic thrill he is getting out of this. .
Dear Crossroads – Do not move in with your girlfriend or you will always wonder whether you only married her because you were already living with her.
Dear Co-ed – Paperless banking – tell your mother that you are doing it for her own good and that one day she will thank you (or use whatever line she used on you when you were a kid).
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Deray – honey – this people are STUPID. LMAO clearly they are unable to think for themselves if they are having to write to a 65 year old woman they don’t even know LMAO
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Betrayed in Toronto: you mean you are still considering the possibility of keeping the cheating girlfriend? duuuude she must be a good fuck, I see no other reason why you wouldn't dump her immediately.
Sore in Cal: get out of that relationship, first the butt, then he might try to "love-slap" your face!
Crossroads: get our of your house and if after a few months you still don't want your girlfriend to move-in, even after experiencing the freedom of having sex without people around you, you need a new girlfriend, you don't love that one.
College Co-Ed: does your mom know that opening other people's email is a crime? do you know that you can have paperless statements from your bank? you get them by email and print them (or not) where and when-ever you like.
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