Dear Abby…In the Words of the Ever-Sexy Adam Ant – Goody Two Shoes…Don’t Drink, Don’t Smoke, What Do You Do??!
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I had fun coming up with cars that fit with certain professions (Jan. 23). It made a long car ride seem short. Here’s what we came up with: The Greek epic poet Homer would have a Honda Odyssey, and a firefighter a Chevy Blazer. An entomologist would crawl through traffic in his Mitsubishi Spyder. A meteorologist would drive a Honda Element, an astronomer would have a Mitsubishi Eclipse and an optician a Ford Focus. Picasso would paint the town in his Nissan Cube, an ornithologist would use a Ford Falcon and his lawyer would drive a Honda Civic. — MEGAN T., RIDING THE HIGHWAYS IN BELVIDERE, N.J.
Dear Riding the Highways: You and your husband are fucking nerds.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is 43 and I am 48. I admit he moved in very fast — a few weeks after he lost his job.
After three months his mood began to change. He tells me he loves me and I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but I noticed he was becoming quiet and withdrawn. I texted him at work to ask if something was wrong, and he said “things” were on his mind. I asked was it me? He said no.
When he came home I asked what was wrong, and he said things were happening too fast, that he wanted his own place and to move around as he wants to. I asked him if he sees me in his future, and he said, “Yes. Just bear with me and give me some time.”
I need advice, Abby. I am so confused. I love him dearly. — TORN APART IN TOMBALL, TEXAS
Dear Torn Apart: Let’s start with I don’t give a shit who you are, you don’t move in together a few weeks into dating someone. I’ve been dating Doug for six weeks now – I see him almost every day, he spends the night almost every night, and still he is in the process of moving into a house with a couple friends of his. Why? BECAUSE THAT’S THE SIGN OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. You don’t start shacking up with each other right off the bat you fucking idiot – everyone knows the first few weeks or months of a relationship are the honeymoon phase – then the reality sets it. And guess what – he’s the fucking tool who moved in – he didn’t think THAT move was moving too fast? Kick his stupid ass to the curb and find a man who won’t start leeching off you. And don’t forget the cardinal rule – if a man really wants to be with you, he’ll be with you – he won’t need time or space. The ones who need time and space are the same ones who are (1) living another life that you don’t know about (2) fucking another woman you don’t know about or (3) are planning on living another life and fucking another woman you don’t know about.
DEAR ABBY: I’m 16 and have grown up religious my whole life. I get good grades and stay out of trouble. A lot of my friends have done crazy things like drinking and partying, but I haven’t. Because of this, I have the reputation of being a “goody-two-shoes.”
I’m not saying it’s a bad thing being a good girl, but I don’t want to be a goody-two-shoes. Part of me wants to try some of the stuff my friends have been doing, but I don’t want to lose my parents’ trust. Please help! — RESTLESS IN OREGON
Dear Restless in Oregon: I’m sorry, but drinking and partying are not crazy things – it’s called being a teenager. Crazy is driving to a crackhouse in Akron to hear your friend’s grunge band. Crazy is telling your highschool teachers that you’re wasted and them following you all the way home to make sure you don’t die. Crazy is scalling a hotel wall – twice (we had to get back to our room somehow) – to sneak into another boys’ room to watch tv with them. Crazy is losing your virginity in a hot tub club on prom night. Drinking and partying – shit honey, welcome to your Sophomore year of high school. Get a bottle of SoCo on me and cheers to all the good Catholics who lost their way!
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You’re right on the money with this post, keep up the good work!
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