Spiders….Fuckity Fuck Fuck Fuck
So the other day, I go to my parents’ house with Doug for a family dinner, including my brother, his wife and my baby nephew. During dinner, my sister-in-law blurts out “OH MY GOD – remind me to show you the picture of this huge spider we had to kill the other day!” Now – I am arachnophobic – so is my brother – so I knew this story was going to include my brother running like a girl. The short of it is that he spots a spider, tells Auna to come help him because he was going to suck it up into the vaccuum. She insists on stunning it first because it’s so big and who wants a spider living in their vaccuum. So as she goes to spray it with bath tub cleaner or whatever she had gotten her hands on, and my brother is poised to suck it up with the vaccuum hose, it moves, he freaks and runs into the kitchen and she stuns it. She grabbed it with about 15 paper towels and flushed him to his watery grave.
Me, I would have moved out of my house and given him the run of it because here he is:
No shit – that’s the fucking spider that was in their house. What-the-fuck-ever.
I have an understanding with the spiders in my house. The basement is their domain – if they stay out of my way and off my shit when I’m present, they live. Should they be in my vicinity, there’s a 90% likelihood I will be killing them with whatever I can smash them with. Anything outside – that’s your home, I will not kill you unless you pose a threat to my very existence. I am the girl who has jumped out of her bed in the middle of the night due to spotting a spider on her bedspread, stuffing towels in the door cracks and sleeping on a couch, only to rise the next morning and tell my father to go to my room and kill the spider. When I was 20 years old. I have kicked holes into walls from killing spiders. I have avoided turning on living room lamps because of spiders. I have avoided opening a window for six months because of spiders. I have SCREAMED in my office at a small – and we’re talking size of a thumbtack small – spider crawling around in my trash can. My boss had to kill the spider and then switch trash cans with me because I was afraid it was going to come back to life and crawl on me. when I was 33. I-AM-TERRIFIED-OF-SPIDERS.
So you might ask yourself – shit, what’s wrong with this chick? There’s a perfectly good reason my brother and I are terrified of spiders…and it’s all because my brother is a dumbass.
The house we grew up in had a crawl space underneath the basement stairs, in which my mother stored the Christmas decorations. So each December, we’d haul everything out and then we had our own private hideaway, decorated with posters and carpet scraps and lamps with extension chords running out the entrance and around the corner. Across the entrance of this crawlspace, which you had to climb the huge bags of water softener salt to even reach, was a huge pipe for the plumbing in the house.
Now picture a gangly 8 or 9 year old boy, his chubby younger sister around 7 (me) and a spastic little toddler (our little sister, around 3). Crawling around and chilling in the crawlspace. Feeling really cool and thankful we were able to hide from our older sister so she couldn’t beat the hell out of us for looking at her wrong LOL. Now, for as long as we could remember, there were three holes in the wall of the crawlspace directly across from the entrance. So my brother, in his infinite wisdom, starts to wonder why there are holes stuffed with newspaper. Let me digress – up until this point, I had no fear of spiders – I used to play with daddy long-legs, I had no fear. So back to dumbass – he says he’s going to pull out the paper. I tell him to leave it be because it’s there for a reason. He doesn’t listen. He pulls out the paper from one of the holes…….and out comes a swarm of every fucking bug and spider that’s been lliving in the walls of our fucking house.
Centipedes, millipedes, spiders – I swear to christ, we probably had a new species of 8-legged creepy-crawlies from their years of being pent-up together. And they all came running out of that hole. My brother screamed – I screamed – our baby sister who didn’t know what was going on screamed. Now, the joy of a crawlspace? You have to crawl…you can’t run. So we started to scramble which, when you have the fastest fucking Speedy Gonzalez spiders running after you, is just not fast enough. I reach the entrance first and my sister is sitting there screaming and crying. I promptly shove her out the entrance. She knocks her head on the pipe and falls down the salt bags. My brother and I scramble out, grab her and run up the stairs. I’m sure we got in trouble for shoving the baby out the entrance and into the pipe, and for screaming and for making such a racket, but I can assure you of one thing – none of us ever set fucking foot in that crawlspace again, it was months before I’d even go near that part of the basement and I have been fucking terrified of spiders ever since.
Thanks Michael. Asshole.
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shoot fun stuff man.
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Hahahahaha. Now I don't feel bad about my fear of frogs. I used to grow tadpoles from the canal and hunt tree frongs. Never had a problem until the men in my life showed their asses. My Dad called me outside to see this gigantic toad that apparently ate all the food in the oversized dog bowl, because it barely squeezed its fat ass in the bowl. HUGE and very gross. So as I go outside, not knowing that it was there mind you, he was poised crouched next to the dish and flings the fucker at me. My little brother sees this and proceeded to throw toads at me all that Spring. I think I was like 11. Now, the tiniest little tree frog perched on the door handle to the van, and I freeze. I almost pee my pants at the thought of having to touch it, and now, my son flung one at me last year. I think I scared him with my crying,squirming fit of hysteria that turned into a maniacal laugh as I realized just how retarded I truly am. Frog flinging…must be a man thing.
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