The Evolution of a Girl’s Heart…and Vagina
When you’re 6 years old, you’re still peeing in the bushes with boys, playing the tickle game and going on bike rides together.
When you’re 8 years old, you’re going to your first sleep-overs and talking about which boys have the most cooties.
When you’re 10 years old, you’re experiencing your first head-over-heels Oh My God I Just Want To Do Him Even Though I Don’t Know What “Do-ing” Means crush. And you’ve sprouted gigantic boobs which subjects you to lame “pass her in the aisle with your palms up” feel-ups in the library stacks.
When you’re 12 years old, you’re beginning to wonder what it would be like to put something besides a tampon inside your vagina. You’re also convinced you are the only girl in the seventh grade who has NOT yet been kissed….after all, you hear there are some sluts who are kissing boys’ penises in the hallowed-out tires on the playground (I went to Catholic school, give me a break).
When you’re 14 years old, you’re the envy of all the girls in 8th grade when the 16 year old DJ at the social (again, Catholic school, people) plays “Amanda” by Boston and slow dances with you ….while the nuns are staring you down because you’re wearing your white jean shorts and purple cropped top that barely covers your afore-mentioned gigantic boobs.
When you’re 15 years old, you’re finally in highschool and anxious for that first make out session with your new fellow-freshman boyfriend in the movie theatre. Then you wonder why everyone gets so excited about having some guy suck your face, leaving your face dripping with spit and you boobs rearranged.
When you’re 16 years old, you’re dating a senior and thinking this is it! Then you realize the senior is too much of a wus to do more than get to second base and you quickly dump him in favor of your best friend and a bottle of Southern Comfort every Friday night. You’re also not really sure what fingering is but you’re not really sure you want to know.
When you’re 17 years old, you lose your virginity. To an older guy with the finesse of a rhinocerous. You spend the rest of the night ignoring him, hanging out with your best friend, a joint and a bottle of Southern Comfort, trying to shove kleenex’s up your cootch to stop the bleeding from Mr. Rhino.
When you’re 18 years old, you’ve tried sex a few more times and have turned into a nympho. And you finally fall in love.
When you’re 24 years old, you marry the man who turned you into a nympho and proceed to evolve into a dom, doing things to him you never dreamed he’d ask.
When you’re 28 years old, you divorce that guy, realize there’s way too many more fish in the sea with which to fuck and experiment with, and proceed to live it up and discover there’s more men than you thought with anal fetishes.
When you’re 35 years old, you’ve given up on love, you’re tired of screwing losers and guys who cum a million times, leaving you to deal with the Fountain of Cum all over your bed and really wonder if you shouldn’t just marry your best friend.
When you’re 45 years old, you’re thanking God you married that guy who’s 9 years younger than you because you’re hornier than you’ve ever been in your life and he’s young enough to fuck you six ways from Sunday and keep you happy.
When you’re 55 years old, you’re lecturing your daughter on NOT getting pregnant, NOT getting an STD and NOT fucking every guy who smiles at her. You may also give her some pointers on how to determine the size of a guy’s dick (why sleep with a guy with a small dick if it can be prevented in any way?), and also warn her that you know every trick in the book so don’t even try to be 17 and bring home some 24 year old guy and try to pass him off as 21 – Mama knows how to check IDs.
When you’re 65 years old, you’re embarassing your kids as you make the remark of “Man, I am so tired today – your father kept me up til 1 this morning…he’s still the best lay!”
When you’re 75 years old, your husband has died from a massive heart attack…during sex…and you’re moving into a home with your best friend, a joint and a bottle of Southern Comfort. And your dildo’s and bottle of lube, mentally lining up all the orderlies and figuring out which one to fuck first. Who cares what you catch now – you’re gonna die soon anyways!
Popularity: 3% [?]