Airport/Airplane Etiquette….It’s Not That Hard People
Ok, so I travelled to Arizona this weekend for a conference and it reminded me that there are just a shit-ton of fucking idiots who don’t understand that there are certain rules of etiquette when flying, as well as there’s a certain routine to be followed to minimize your problems while travelling, as well as to minimize the incredible annoyances and inconveniences you dumb fucks cause the rest of us.
So here goes….
Checking In. Ok – newsflash. You never know if the lines are going to be fast or take an hour so how about you allow yourself some extra time in case the line is long. That way, the rest of us don’t have to hear you bitch and moan and complain quite loudly that “you just can’t believe how long this is taking….what is the problem here??” The problem is that a lot of people fly every day, thousands upon thousands…thus, chances are higher that you’ll have a longer line than a shorter line. Plan accordingly.
Checking In. These are the materials you need for a fast check-in. Your license, out and in your hand. Your credit card or itinerary confirmation # to select e-ticket from the kiosk. Because guess what moron – whether you go to a stand-alone kiosk or up to the ticket counter, you’re still going to use the computer to get your boarding pass and check your baggage. And I don’t know where you’ve been for the last two years, but airlines now charge you for checking your bag. It’s typically $25 unless you’re an over-packing pig, and then it can be $50 if you’re over 50 pounds. Don’t be surprised by the charge, just know you’re going to pay it. Plan accordingly.
Security. Everyone’s favorite. It’s safe to assume that if there are lines for checking in, there are going to be lines for security. It’s not like half the people checking in then mill about the rental car counter and go down to baggage claim to chill out. They are heading to their gates just like you. So stop bitching about the line already. And for those of you dumbasses who haven’t flown since 9/11 nor read a newspaper, learned how to read carry-on guidelines on any of the travel/airline/blog sites or are just plain retarded, here are some tips.
- Your giant bottle of shampoo
- Your giant bottle of Clinique toner
- Your giant bottle of sunscreen
- The huge sno-globe you’re bringing back from Disneyland for your granddaughter
- Your switchblade
- Your gun
- Your giant bottle of hair gel
Do you get the picture? You can only have ONE 1-quarter ziploc bag with containers holding no more than 3 fl. Ounces of liquid/gel in them. And you have to pull that bag out and put it in the ugly grey bin along with your shoes. While you’re at it, take off your watch and your belt and gigantic metal necklace (better yet, don’t wear any of it and put it all on after you go through security). You will also have to pull out your laptop and put it in a bin. So again, plan fucking accordingly.
In the waiting area. It is not considered good etiquette to take up three seats, especially when the terminals are crowded. So don’t be putting your coat and purse on one seat and your carry-on on the seat to the other side of you to ensure no strangers sit too closely. Suck it up – shove the shit in front of you. Also, how about you try to contain your ghetto-ass and don’t sit on your cell phone talking about your “sister’s baby’s daddy’s uncle’s cousin’s mama’s old man’s nephew’s could-be-your-baby’s daddy” waste of life of a boyfriend loud enough so the people ten gates down can hear you. You’re trash. We get it. You don’t have to allow us to overhear the intimate details of your incarceration when you got picked up for soliciting “and girl, you best believe I tol’ that pig that I was NOT sellin’ my ass for no measley 20 dolla because you KNOW hitting this booty is worth at LEAST a Ulyssessess Grant or whoever the fuck is on a fi’tty!” So plan accordingly and shut the fuck up.
Boarding. Here’s a newstip. Look at your boarding pass. It will have your seat assignment on it and quite possibly a “zone.” The zone refers to the order in which they will board the plane. Some airlines like to load by zones because it statistically disperses the passengers in an attempt to smooth the boarding process rather than herding you like cattle. Some arilines still board by seat row, herding you like cattle. The airlines attendant-wannabe will announce how they are boarding. DON’T try to board until your zone or row is called. Don’t be that guy who thinks he’s so superspecial that he can board whenever he wants rather than wait his turn. It’s not our fault you have a gigantic carryon, a cowboy hate and a sheepskin coat that you want to shove in the overhead taking up three row-lengths’ of room. Asshole.
Plane. Ok. You’re on the plane. Here are a couple rules….if you are over, say, 250 pounds and your ass is twice as wide as the seat itself (which for reference sake is only about 10 inches these days) you should have been courteous and bought two plane tickets. Because it is completely unfair for someone your size (Shamu) to squish your cellulite into one seat, arm fat overhanging into half of my seat, not to mention consuming the arm rest, forcing me to wedge into the remaining 5 inches and smell your B.O. for the entire flight. If you’re so huge that you can’t bend over to trim your toenails (really, this guy from yesterday had talons his toenails were so long) then you should buy two seats to sufficiently spread your ass.
Also – THERE’S NO FARTING ON A PLANE. That is not proper etiquette nor is it fair to your fellow 220 passengers who have only the reconsituted air to breath for the 3 ½ hour flight, that is now contaminated with your shit stink. Proper flight preparation should include you taking a shit a before you board the plane so as to eliminate the need to shit stink the air. At the very least, use the lavatory for your shit stinks.
Finally, it’s highly advisable that you NOT drink a gallon of gatorade/water/coffee/any other fucking liquid prior to boarding the plane unless (1) you have an aisle seat or (2) you have a bladder the size of Delaware. Because not only is it impossible for anyone in a middle or window seat to get up 10 times to pee without everyone else having to get up and let you out of the row but you’re also jeopardizing the successfully delivery of the drink/snack cart because then you’re running through an obstacle course. So plan accordingly you fucking idiot.
Lastly, the stewardesses are not there to wait on you hand and foot. They provide beverages and snacks when warranted, may perhaps provide you with a pillow the size of a tampon and a blanket that couldn’t keep an ant warm, and to provided much needed guidance and assistance if we get hi-jacked, crash into the Hudson or an engine goes out. They’re trained for emergencies, not helping you wipe your baby’s shitty ass or get you another gin and tonic and shake that ass while you’re at it. Remember – piss off a stewardess now, risk being directed to the wrong emergency exit later.
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