It’s Summertime…Let’s Revisit The Dress Code!

Ok…so it’s summertime.  You know what that means….community fairs, picnics, cookouts, amusement parks and people forgetting that mirrors were invented to ensure that we didn’t have to see their back fat, hard nipples and a multitude of other fashion and common sense clusterfucks when getting dressed in the morning.  So here’s a few tips for men and women alike when the weather starts to get hot and you start to shed some layers.

Ladies – you no longer have sweaters on….as such, when putting on your flimsy $2 bargain bin WalMart bra, you might want to open the freezer door and see if suddenly your nipples are hard enough to cut ice.  No one wants to see your hard nipples through your shirt with the exception of the man, or woman, currently fucking you. I don’t care what the celebrities are doing, I don’t care if there is such a thing as a nipple bra,

we really don’t want to see them.  So either invest in a couple bras with enough lining to keep those fuckers flat and warm or, well, invest in a fucking bra that will keep those fuckers flat and warm so the rest of us don’t have to look at you and imagine what it would be like to be breast fed from your cow nipples.

Dudes – cut off denim shorts went out of style approximately 15 to 20 years ago. I promise.  There is nothing sexy about a man showing off his long hair legs in a pair of stone-washed, torn, mid-thigh cut-off jean shorts. All it does is draw the eye up to your head to see if you have a mullet to match your style sense.

Ladies – since we all shed layers of clothing when it gets hotter, please do us all a service and try not to wear too much spandex.  In fact, if you weigh more than say 90 pounds you really have no business wearing spandex. 

We don’t want to see your camel-toe.

We don’t want to see your back fat and we definitely don’t want to see your jelly-belly rolls oozing out from under your spandex tank top and hanging out over your spandex capris.  The only thing that will be coming near you in that get up is the crackhead you probably live with.

Dudes – wearing a t-shirt where you ripped off the sleeves five years ago to use them as toilet paper in a port-a-shitter (true story) is soooooooo not hot.  In fact, a man in a sleeveless shirt is pretty much the most redneck thing in the world…next to the mullet and fucking your sister.  If the sleeves are missing, use it as a rag, not as a shirt. Because trust me, no one wants to be that close to the arm pit that hasn’t seen a bar of soap since y’all took your bath two Sundays ago with the soap on the rope. The only thing worse than your ragged sleeveless shirt is if, in your desperation to cover your beer gut and your lack of any other possible fucking piece of clothing, you create your own redneck tank top….out of a pair of underwear.

Ladies – pay attention to the length of your shorts…better yet, go with capris.  Because no matter how hot it is, unless you’re wading your chubby ass in your toddler’s 6” deep wading pool in the back yard near the pig pit, the rest of us don’t want to see you in short-shorts, counting the pockets of cellulite on your thighs. (Please note, she’s also violating the no showing us your belly-rolls rule as well).

Everyone needs to revisit the color wheel and figure out which colors match and complement each other and what is just totally clashing or just plain painful on the eyes.  First – stop wearing neon or superbright colors. NO ONE can pull those colors off.  We couldn’t do it in 1984, we sure as hell can’t do it now.  Second, I don’t care what the fashion magazines tell you, you should NOT wear white – white shorts, white pants, white shoes until AFTER Memorial Day.  If you don’t know the difference between summer white and winter white, then just don’t even wear white unless it’s a t-shirt. Also – just a hint – if you are going to the park, a picnic, mudding on your ATV or having your Aunt Flo for a visit, do NOT wear white at all. 

The stains that will follow you that you will be oblivious to because you are a moron will haunt our minds forever.  Finally, men and women alike, stop wearing your fucking camo’s out in public.  Nothing screams redneck like a cow or her moose-man in camo in WalMart in July….except maybe this camo wedding picture. Fucking rednecks. And you wonder why we all think you’re inbred.

Popularity: 29% [?]

Tags: back cleavage, back fat, camel toe, camo, fat back, hard nipples, how to dress in the summer, nipple bra, nipples, short shorts, stained white pants, titty hard on

This entry was posted on June 2, 2010 at 9:42 am and is filed under Lessons, Guidelines, Rules to live by. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.