Dear Abby….Really??
DEAR ABBY: My wife, “Alana,” and I have been married for 14 years. In many ways our marriage is good, but our sex life is horrible. In my opinion, it has never been good. As time passes, I feel more and more anger toward her. Alana is attractive and physically fit; I don’t understand her lack of desire. When the subject of sex comes up, it makes us both clam up.
I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split. — Troubled Husband in Missouri
People like this always crack me the fuck up. “In my opionion, it has never been good.” Yet, you dumbass, you married her anyways. You made your bed – as shitty as it may be – and now you can lie in it. How dumb do you have to be to marry someone who has no sex drive, with whom your sex life sucks and then expect it to change and improve over the years? If she is really attractive and physically fit then guess what douchebag – she’s probably been fucking someone on the side. Because I don’t know one woman who willingly turns down sex. Hell – I’ve had my foot in a cast, I’ve been recovering from uterine surgery and still wanted sex. You get angry with her when you should be angry with yourself for ever committing to someone with whom you obviously didn’t have sexual chemistry in the first place. Troubled Husband…more like Troubled Dumbass.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people’s spirits are near us after they die.
Please don’t laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don’t want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.
Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? — SPOOKED IN SPOKANE
Ok, let’s pull out the short-bus helmet for Spooked in Spokane. Because clearly, she’s a daily rider. ‘Nuff said.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn’t fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it’s the wrong size and ask the person to return it?
I gave my sister an outfit that didn’t fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. — LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
Dear Lori – the fact that you have to ask this question makes it easier to believe that your sister is just as inept as you. Unless your sister is a 7 year old child incapable of driving herself to the mall to exchange the outfit, why would she ever expect you to do so for her. And why would you even have to ask the question if you know what a gift receipt is? Why do stupid people write a stranger for advice and commentary on their lives?
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