How Comfortable Is Your Relationship?
All relationships go through different phases of “comfort-level” – you know what I mean….those phases of “I’m comfortable enough to do THIS in front of him but not THAT” kind of comfort-levels. It dawned on me yesterday when I was sitting on the toilet peeing as my boyfriend walked naked into the living room – we have gone through all the comfort-levels possible and why don’t I write about them? LOL So here they are – see if you don’t agree!!
When you first start dating someone, you are on your best behavior. No burping, no farting, no picking your nose, peeing only when the door is shut and absolutely no pooping within each other’s vicinity. You get undressed and dressed in the dark.
After you’ve been seeing each other for a couple weeks, the guy is ok to fart in the woman’s presence and he’s probably burping too. He’s still going outside or upstairs or downstairs or around the corner to fart if it’s really stinky. Pooping is still not done within each other’s vicinity. You’ve now had sex with a lamp on in the bedroom but that’s it. You may love fucking but you’re still not sure you’re both sold on the other one’s body. You do not have sex without brushing your teeth and using scope.
After you’ve been dating for a month, you now enjoy the race of “who pooh’s first” after going to breakfast and the woman is now having the occasional belch. She’s still not farting in his presence. You can pee with the door cracked open but neither of you has actually witnessed the other in the act upon the throne. You’ve now fucked on the couch in the glow of the TV. You still try to brush your teeth every night but Scope is doing a decent job. You do not kiss in the morning until teeth have been properly scrubbed. He is now proud of his stinky farts and may or may not give you a warning before you walk into the wall of fart.
After two months of dating, you’re finally giving blowjobs on the couch in the light of day and fucking in the daylight. Actually, you’re fucking anywhere and anywhere because you’ve become addicted to each other. It no longer matters when the last time either of you showered or if you brushed your teeth – what matters is dick inserted into vagina.
After three months of dating, you now have belching contests. You impress his friends with your musical burping talent. You also astound them with tales of how you shit four times a day (they don’t think girls really pooped until you told them you do). You’ve now had to walk in on his pooh-time to give him another roll of toilet paper. He has witnessed you running into the bathroom as he’s cleaning up after sex because his cum is about to run down your legs. He has also now witnessed you inserting a tampon (best way to keep yourself plugged up after sex and still be able to go out – I don’t care who you are, peeing after sex does NOT get all of him out of all of you). He calls the string “the mouse.”
After four months of dating, kissable breath is a thing of the past. Morning kisses are done regardless of status, although the casual “damn baby, it smells like a mouse crawled in and took a shit in your mouth” or “your breath smells like a dog’s ass” comment may be warranted and stated on occasion. He’ll now pick his nose in front of you and say “Oh My God Babes – this booger’s purple!” You’ll be torn between laughing and puking.
After six months of dating, he’s able to take a shit while you’re in the shower – in the same bathroom. You’ve now farted on him during sex and he wasn’t completely repulsed – he did however laugh uncontrollably. You now having burping contests and you have witnessed him popping a zit in his pubic area…while in bed. You will manage to not pee yourself laughing as he jumps around disgusted and in pain.
After a year of dating, you can now walk into the bathroom while he’s on the shitter to start brushing your teeth. When you’re in the grocery store, he will stop and say “Hey Honey – isn’t this your brand of tampons? They’re on sale – two for one!” and then realize he just ID’d your brand of white knights and wonder where his manhood went.
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Fast forward 5yrs and a marriage. Once he sees a giant baby squeeze out of your beloved tightness, he just might want to puke. Then you have teach him to not think about that moment every time he sees you naked. Once he dives back into your juicy goodness (they can't hold out forever, horny bastards) then all is well as the euphoria of the hole squeezes him dry. If you're lucky and actually give yourself a month to heal after giving birth, you just might be blessed with extra tightness, no one ever mentions that as a possibility. It is. Of course, that also comes with pain like popping your cherry and fear that after birth you will be gaping like a freaking cow twat. So lube up and brace yourself for the crappiest quickie ever. Then it goes back to normal. Actually, once they see you tolerate childbirth, they get really adventurous and try to push the limits. Very interesting stuff happens then. Just be careful because you could be baking another bun sooner than you think.
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