Dear Abby…These Women Are Stupid

Ok – I’m starting to understand why there are stereotypes about woman being spineless fucking idiots.  After reading these letters, I really want to slap these bitches up along side their heads and tell them to join the 21^st century.

DEAR ABBY: “Aaron” and I have been married five years, and I have always tried to keep our sex life “spicy.” Letting him take private X-rated photos and videos of me seemed fun at the time.

I recently learned that my “private” photos and videos have been on the Internet and shared with Aaron’s buddies, co-workers and friends. I am shocked, embarrassed and hurt. When I confronted him, he said, “You’re beautiful, and I enjoy sharing you with other guys!” I was dumbfounded at his response. I have tried talking to him, and he just doesn’t see my objections.

Every time I see one of our friends, I wonder if Aaron has shared my “beauty” with him. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my minister about this. I have lost my trust in my husband and don’t know what I should do now. — X-POSED IN ILLINOIS

Welcome to the world of being peddled as pornography.  Honey, I have been with some true total douchebags in my lifetime. One thing they NEVER would have done is ‘share’ me with their buddies.   My boyfriend doesn’t even want me wearing my tight workout pants around his buddies.  No man who loves and respects you is going to plaster your pictures and videos on the internet so his friends…and strangers who stumble upon them, might I add….can ogle you.  Are you so fucking stupid that you can’t figure out what to do???

Let me assist you…

1.      While he’s asleep, get a picture of his limp noodle.  A close-up.  Then email it to every woman your man knows, as well as on Facebook.  Tag him when you load the picture up.

2.      Pack up all your shit and put it in your car.  Grab the dog/cat/goldfish while you’re at it. Don’t forget your photo albums, checkbooks and spare set of keys to your car.

3.      Remove the shower curtain from your bathroom as well as all bath towels.

4.      Take all of his dress shirts, t-shirts, jeans, slacks, etc…, cover them in bleach and put them all in garbage bags.  Put these garbage bags out in the garage.

5.      Take all the toilet paper in the house – including what’s on the rollers in the bathroom – and put it in your car.  Same for napkins and paper towels.

6.      Having bought a powdered laxative the previous day, dump it into the coffee tin and mix it all together so he can’t see anything wrong with it.

7.      At 8:00 a.m., go to the bank, withdraw all the funds in your checking and savings accounts and open a new account at a new bank in only your name.

8.      Call him at 8:30 a.m. to make sure he’s up for work. Then tell him, “Thanks for posting my pictures, cockknob – I hope your friends enjoy your limp dick. We’re getting divorced.  Go fuck yourself.”

He won’t fuck himself, but he will get up and go take his morning shit. As he’s sitting there wondering where in the hell the shower curtain is, he’ll notice there’s no toilet paper.  Anywhere.  He’ll pinch his slimey cheeks and go hunting for something with which he might wipe his ass and find nothing.  By now he may notice that he can’t find his clothes either.  He’ll resort to using WalMart bags to wipe his ass while he’s cursing you to hell. He’ll manage to use the kitchen sponge to completely clean his ass and make some coffee so he can figure out what’s happened.  He’ll probably be in tears by the time he’s shitting his brains out with nothing to use on his ass but plastic bags.  You, however, will be settling into a new apartment and a new life and chuckling at the thought of him running around the house with a shitty ass.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to “Ted” for 15 years. We have three school-age children. My husband is extremely narcissistic and passive-aggressive. During our entire relationship, he has been controlling and manipulative, as well as emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. I have remained in the marriage this long because I thought keeping the family intact was the right thing to do for my children. (Ted doesn’t abuse them. I am his only victim.)

Through counseling I have realized that living in the atmosphere of a loveless, abusive marriage can be as detrimental for kids as a breakup would be. I will soon be filing for divorce.

My dilemma: Because Ted is very good at projecting a “good guy” image, I’m sure that people won’t believe he is abusive. Should I be open about the reason for the divorce and be accused of lying? We live in Ted’s hometown, a small, rural community. I don’t know if I can live with the stigma of having accused a “nice guy” of such a thing. On the other hand, I don’t want the abuse to be a “dirty little secret.” What do women do in situations like this? — NO VISIBLE WOUNDS

So you’d rather fuck up your kids’ heads by demonstrating that an unhealthy marriage is the way to go than live with the “stigma” of accusing your husband of being a dickhead?  How do morons like you procreate? Fuck him.  Move to a new town.  Tell your neighbors he’d bay like a donkey when he fucked you. Who gives a shit?!  Chances are, people already know he’s a prick.  Get divorced woman!

DEAR ABBY: I work in a doctor’s office. One of our patients makes a big scene if we do not address him by his title — “Reverend Smith.” He has to tell everyone within earshot that he went to school for eight years to get that title. He insists that, out of respect, we should address him as such.

Abby, this man is not MY reverend. So far, I have avoided calling him this. Am I being disrespectful, or is he being pompous? — UNIMPRESSED IN LOUISVILLE

You’re a cunt.  Stop thinking you’re high and mighty and give people the respect they deserve.

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This entry was posted on July 9, 2010 at 9:02 am and is filed under Dear Abby...What the Fuck?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.