Jon became furious when I told him how my parents feel, and now he’s talking about killing them so we can be together. I know he is serious.

I really love Jon. He is the first boy who has shown an interest in me.

My parents and I have always had a great relationship, and my mom is like my best friend. I totally don’t want to see them get hurt. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my parents and I can’t tell the police. I have tried to talk Jon out of it and tell him they will learn to accept him over time. He just gets mad and says I am taking their side. Please tell me what to do. — Anonymous in Fort Myers, Fla.

I hate stupid girls.  “He is the first boy who has shown an interest in me.”  Poor self-esteem anyone? He’s nuts sweetheart.  Ya’ll need to move, change your phone number and erase that crazy from your life.  Trust me, I know! Because once a crazy, always a crazy, and dating a crazy will always come back to haunt you!

It will never cease to amaze me how (generally crazy, delusional, “beat down”) men will hang on to, over-analyze, reminisce and tear open old wounds when it comes to their past relationships and women just say “huh? Oh, I dated you once? Did we have good sex? What was your name?”

We chicks move on faster than Speedy Gonzales but sweet Jesus – men will hang on to, carry with them, blame future relationships on, blame past mistakes on, even blame their hangnails on women they’ve dated in the past who’ve broken up with them or who managed to turn the tables on them for once and use them for all it’s worth instead of us chicks being the piece of ass that pacifies the loser until his next doomed decision.  Here’s a word of caution ladies – if you find a guy who utters the statement “well, my Ex did XYZ so I have trust issues/lost everything I had/am a recovering alcoholic/do drugs/ok I’m a crazy fuck and you just don’t know it yet” – RUN!!!! 

As I look back this year and all I’ve gained and settled into, I can pause and reflect and say “HOLY FUCK what was I thinking?!?” and then laugh my ass off at some of the shit I dated in the first 36 years of my life.

What I DON’T do is hang on to those relationships, the fucked up men, the dead-end roads and blame them for “how I am today” or woulda/coulda/shoulda’d myself into oblivion day after day.  Nor do I continue to drive by their homes, stop at their usual haunts to see if we could “run into each other”  or in any other way, shape or form try to keep those idiots in my life, thoughts or psyche.  Why? Because I’m not delusional or crazy, I have a great life and I knew exactly what I was doing as I was biding my time waiting for that one great guy to come my way.  You know, the one I live with and will be marrying? That guy. The normal, functional family, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t have a drinking problem, educated, driven and doesn’t blame his life on someone else guy.

What’s funny is that to look back on my life before Doug, those guys actually thought I believed them when they said they were motivated and driven.  Or that they’ve loved me forever and would always be someone I could rely on.  That I was their one true, lost love. That after three weeks of dating thought we were destined to be married.

WHAT?  Dudes– hold up.  What’s the one thing we all know about me? I love sex.  So sorry to turn the tables ‘round on you, but you were the one being used and you bought every line I fed you.  I can’t help that you’re gullible.  Or crazy. Sorry that I myself knew it was just something to do to get through the holidays and take my mind off things… ok, maybe that was cruel – or not, because let’s face it, once a Crazy Gabe, always a Crazy Gabe and he will forever be known as Crazy Gabe.  

Fact of the matter is, the guys who hang on to us girls are the ones who seem to be forever scarred because we finally managed to treat them the way they’ve treated every other woman in their lives – a means to an end, a good time, a place to crash.  Meanwhile, we moved on ages ago and we don’t give them a second thought until we get that random “hope all is well” text or “I miss talking to you” or just fucking drive by the house and think we won’t notice and then we just say “Jesus Christ, really? Get a life.”

The point of this is, ladies, if you meet a guy who’s girl did him wrong, broke his heart, cheated on him, drove him to bankruptcy/attempted suicide/drinking/sucking his thumb at night/fights with his baby’s mama, just run.  Don’t be the stupid 16 year old girl above who’s writing a stranger for advice after her crazy teenage boyfriend threatens her life and she’s just not sure of what to do.  Dumbass.

Save yourself the months or years of subsequent stalking after you use him for a few weeks’ of good time because I can assure you, you’ll just be taking on an annoyance.   Because men just can’t get over it.  They prefer to blame everything wrong with their lives and themselves on what some woman did to them rather than say “Yea, I’m a jackass who knocked up some chick and flunked out of school because I was drinking too much and became homeless but geez I have so much great advice for you and I’m really a great guy with a good heart, I’ve just been wronged.” 

RUN.

Recall, my readers, my “If you want to date me” rules provided so lovingly by my shrink after my last long-term abusive chaotic warped mind-fucking relationship ended….

1. Be gainfully employed.
2. Have no criminal record or DUI(s)
3. Have a healthy, positive relationship with your family.
4. Have a college education
5. Pay your bills.
6. Not be abusive – verbally or physically.
7. Not have a drinking or drug problem.
8. Be supportive without being domineering, be loving and caring without being needy or suffocating.
9. Appreciate and encourage my career and interests.
10. Be great in bed.

I’ve been told by many men that “sometimes you just make mistakes” (DUI or criminal record). “The economy has really sucked, I just can’t find anything/make enough money” (be gainfully employed/pay your bills).  “I just can’t get close enough to you” (suffocating – as in glued to the side of my hip while sitting on the sofa or sleeping in bed).  Blah blah blah. Every excuse in the book for why they don’t meet all these criteria.  Do you want to know how many relationships of mine have worked with men who didn’t meet all of these criteria? Zip. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

But to all you naysayers who think my list is shit, I say every woman should use it as her bible.  Because when you find the guy who meets all of these criteria: Has a job and has always had a steady work history, is athletic but not manorexic, has a great sociable personality, no criminal record/DUI, have a great relationship with his parents and younger brothers, is college educated, pays his bills, is the most courteous and sweet man you’ve ever met, isn’t waking up at 3 p.m. every day to start his daily drunk, is not at all suffocating even when you’ve spent five of the last six evenings with him, admires your college education and career and is absolutely the best fuck you have ever had in your entire freaking life, is 6’4” and he’s only 27?? What??!  Screw the 8 year age gap and grab on with two hands – this is the guy for you!

Yes ladies, you can find him – it may take three years and random circumstances causing you to meet, but you will find that great guy and you will realize that he’s the reason you’ve held out and didn’t settle for the jerk who screwed you over all the time, or the guy who chewed his food like a girl or the guy who was completely psychotic.  And what’s more – as much as you like having your space and independence, it will not even dawn on you to say “No, I really need a night to myself” when he asks repeatedly to see you almost every night. Because you just can’t get enough of him.  You will want to see him as much as he wants to see you.  You will have a great balance of evenings alone with him as well as evenings out with all the gang.  And you’ll be really glad that he’s moving in with one of your best friends, a whopping two minutes from your house. And that he’s incredible in bed – did I mention that already?

 For now, a little positive note to all you ladies out there wishing you could find that one great guy – but where are you going to meet him? Online? Puh-lease – what a joke.  Church? Library? Hospital cafeteria as graciously advised by the Millionaire Matchmaker?  Fear not, my dear girls, for there is hope.  Take a lesson from my playbook and maybe you’ll land yourself that guy you never expected to meet, but thank the gods of fate that you did.

 It’s Friday – after having consumed a few Captain and Coke’s at the year-end corporate office party, call one of your male friends and see what’s going on tonight.  Love the fact that he happens to be at the same bar as your office party so make plans to meet up with Shaun and his friend Brian later that evening. Progress to leaving the office party, throwing on some jeans and meeting the guys at a bar to sip some Coke as you try to sober up – after all, it’s only 5:30 and you need to get your drink on!

 Now – some girls may feel that they should go down to their local haunt, see their girlfriend and have a quiet evening because that’s what they’re used to.  Have at it, but I took the road less traveled and followed these two shenanigans out to another bar because I was having too much fun giving them relationship advice.  Proceed to have the breath knocked out of you when that 6’4, dark-haired drink of water walks into the bar and sits on the other side of Brian. Say a prayer and ask Shaun if he knows him….”Doug! Man! When did you get here!?  This is my friend Mandy.”  Chit chat with this adorable specimen of a man and turn to Shaun and say “Tell me he’s single and straight.”  Laugh when Shaun says “Yes to both, but he’s in trouble, isn’t he? Go get him!”

 Now – keep in mind, we’ve only done the “how do you know Shaun” bit of chatting.  Have some confidence and take out one of your business cards and write your cell phone number on the back.  Shaun laughed when I did because “Mandy, you haven’t even talked to him yet.”  Yes, dear, that is true, but I also know when I see something I want, I go for it.  Casually chat with the guys for a bit and (you owe Brian a drink for this) be grateful when Brian tells you to trade him seats so he can talk to Shaun more easily.  Sidle up next to Doug and go in for the kill.  Keep the conversation easy, no third degree, joke about Olympic Curling, talk about sports and then hand him your card and say “I’m just going to give you this – I’d love to hear from you.”

 Laugh when he says “Wow – your number’s already on the back – when did you write it down?” and you respond “two hours ago the minute you walked in.”  He’ll be flattered you honed on him immediately and it shows a sign of confidence that I knew I wanted to get to know him better and made the “first move” of exchanging numbers. 

 Do you know what happens when you just take the bull by the horns, put yourself out there with a guy you don’t even know and take the chance?  You stay out til 1:30 talking to a great guy.  You get a guy that you go out with the following night, he will immediately add you to his Facebook friends because – well, you know, you do that when you’re genuinely interested in someone and want to have them involved in your life, and before that first date is even over, he will ask how soon he can see you again.  And thus, you end up going out again with a fantastic man, who, it turns out, has a personality just like yours, is a lot of fun, is absolutely the most adorable guy you have ever gone out with and is 8 ½ years younger than you.  Will you care? No – because age doesn’t matter and confidence does.

 So the next time you’re out and about and you see a guy to whom you are instantly attracted, don’t shy away or wait for him to make the first move. Go for it.  The worst that will happen is that he’ll reject your advances. The best that will happen is that you land an incredible guy with a great personality and a cute soccer ass.

Dear John,

After serious contemplation, I have decided that continuing this relationship with you is really not in my best interest.  No, I am not concerned with what might be best for you because frankly, you never gave a shit if draining me financially was what was best for me.  I also don’t think you were too concerned about my age until you thought that you could get arrested for fucking me – maybe you should have thought about that before you, as a 24 year old, agreed to go to a 17 year old’s prom.  You didn’t seem to show too much concern when your cunt-ass ex-girlfriend egg’d my house – why would I care if I’m a sophomore dumping a senior?

Can you really blame me for getting tired of you collecting action figures and comic books? I think maybe the breaking point was when I bought you the new and improved Bat Cave. I realize, also, that sexual encounters involving a strap-on dildo for you requires a bit of preparation, but planning our sex sessions down to a T, determining when each position would be attempted, does get old after a few years.  It also would have been nice if you could have kept the leash for the dog and let me live my own life a little bit.  Rather than laying claim to my pussy, perhaps you could have sucked it up as a man and actually solidified a true relationship with me rather than the farce of one that we had during the course of our dating history.  Focusing more energy on making your promises a reality rather than stringing me along would have been great. 

While I appreciate the economics of living at home with your family rather than getting your own place, I can’t help but wonder how nice it would have been to have NOT had your younger sister, older sister and grandmother each walk in on us fucking at some point during our relationship. It’s sad, for some reason, that we got so used to it that you didn’t even get out of me when someone walked in – it was like we just hit the pause button and resumed as soon as they closed the door.  Honestly, looking back, I’ve never had so many people walk in on us having sex as I have while I was with you, because we also got walked in on by my mother, my father and I think a cop (if that was you). What the fuck?? 

Remember how our Saturdays, during football season, had to start with you playing that day’s game on the PlayStation and then the outcome of that (fake) game dictated your mood for the rest of the day until the real game came on, and then the tone for the rest of our weekend was determined by the outcome of the real game?  That got to be really fucking annoying.  Remember how you’d fight with me and throw my shit out of the house, onto the front porch, or perhaps to all four corners of the neighborhood? I never appreciated that. 

In fact, I pretty much never appreciated you destroying my property, denting my car, denting me, hurting my dog or acting like a complete and total jackass when you were drunk, disrespecting my family or cheating on me  – a lot.  I really didn’t like when you’d go out with me, fuck me, tell me how much you needed me and then turn around and go out with your girlfriend, either.  For that matter, not even having the balls to tell me you started dating the ugly duckling addicted to marshmallow peeps was pretty fucking lame too.  It really got on my nerves that you chew like a girl and your house is decorated like a dorm room and when I came over to spend the night, there was a mountain of dirty dishes in your sink and the contents of your refrigerator scared me. 

It also sorta scared me, and amazed me, that you masturbated one night and texted to tell me that you fucked yourself in the ass with a dildo at the same time…I’m all for prostate stimulation but Jesus – that’s a lot for one man to do to himself.  I have a lot of fun with you, but the fact that you seem to only text once every two weeks gets pretty annoying.  And in this day and age, where everyone, including my 68 year old father is on Facebook, and you are too, and yet you can’t add me as a friend – well, sorry, but that’s horseshit.  Because all that tells me, that while I’m good enough to fuck, I’m not quite good enough to make it public that you’re interested in me.   And if you do add me to Facebook, to post a comment that is absolutely ludicrous and inapplicable to the topic at hand, surrounding a conversation I’m having with one of my best friend’s husbands and my 20 year old cousin – well, that just tells me you’re an over-zealous prick who will NEVER meet my family.

And you know that cock picture you sent me? Next time, work on the angle because sending a cock pic where your cock looks like a small pickle instead of a cucumber really doesn’t send me over the edge…ok, it makes me giggle.  You know how you always told me to be patient, that you needed time, things just weren’t where you wanted them so we could be happy together, that there was too much going on for us to get serious, that if you had the choice, you’d be with me in a heart beat?  Guess what?  Sometimes you have to suck it up, remember you have a set of balls and just go after the one thing that makes you happy.  You don’t hurt it, you don’t hide it, you embrace it and run with it because it just might be the one thing that brings your whole life together.  You couldn’t do that, and I got tired of waiting.

So good luck, keep the psycho bullshit in your own corner, don’t blame me for keeping a cheesy ring to remind myself to never fall for another bullshit, crazy, loser, likes to listen to himself talk but can’t really listen to what anyone else has to say, insanely jealous, abusive, full of excuses, lying, cheating, son of a bitch.

Sincerely,

Me

“Nice Guy” 

ok, poor guy lives in East Canton – take all the ill-educated, border-line hillbilly’s of the country and they all live in East Canton. His intro is: “was married for 18 years never dated was with my x since high school so im new to this .huge steeler fan like to play darts and pool and anything outside .im just a laid back regular guy who dont like to argue and very rarely raises my voice and loves to laugh and make people laugh . I feel a day is not complete if u dont laugh and my motto is one day at a time.Im not a memeber but u can get me at XXXXX”  His Perfect Match:i like short woman who r open minded and just likes to have fun looks r important but not as important on whats on the inside

His Ideal Date: a nice dinner a couple drinks and good communication to get to kno each other is fine with me

O sweet Jesus – it’s always sad when the ill-educated get online and try to type. Can you imagine a conversation with this guy? Can you imagine keeping a straight face as you sat across from this guy? LOL

Then we have Pawl.

He’s 5’3” tall.  Refer to my Letter to God if you are unaware of my attraction to TALL guys.  He winked at me. His profile is blank. Thank God, because I think his photo says enough. Nice camo shirt.

Then we have “Beast.”

Ok – I can’t decide if the background in his picture is a stain-splattered cinder-block wall or the wall to the hidden room in which he holds women captive.  Either way, I get the serious heebie jeebies from this dude.  Add the fact that his “Story” is all of: “r u wearing anything??????????????? Lol” and I am pretty creeped out.  Next!

Next we have Harleyman. Can I tell you how many guys put Harley in their profile names? Seriously? Your identity has to be tied to your bike? You can’t be your own fucking man AND have a bike? Ok, tangent over. 

Anyways, here’s harleyman.

Now here’s his story:  “i have been married and devoriesd 3 times i spent 5 years in prison i am a easy going person i am a simple man with simple plan i dont want to grow old alone im looking for soul mate to spend the rest of my life with i love to ride .i love kids im a big kid i have none of my own“

I’m pretty sure one of my criteria on my “If you want to date me…” rule card from Denis is that you can’t have a felony. And I don’t think you go to jail for five years for a misdemeanor.  Yikes!

Finally, we have Del. 

 ”I like to go on long motorcycle rides, walks long the beach, doing things with my kids cause they are a big part of my life and most important to me, i love to spend long nites by the fire with drinks and friends i like to go out danceing ,singing and shooting pool,i like stoping and picking wild flowers off side of the road and bringing little gifts for that special lady in my life.Dont like a woman that cant be ture, dont like to play games, the darma thing will aways happen we say we are free from but we are not all free from it. But im a strong enough man that if it does come up I can still stand beside her and deal with. im that kind of guy no matter what life throws at me, its not worth getting bent out of shape over as long as two people love each other.Im not type of guy to stand back and watch the one I love have to deal with things by her self, I will always be there to let the one love to know its going to be ok.”

I’m not sure what upsets me more – that someone so ill-educated procreated and made some little Del’s, or that he thinks we’d be a good match.

Thank God I don’t take this shit seriously. I’ll be sleeping with my favorite BOB Pete tonight LOL

 Give me a break.  We are not complicated creatures. Where you have an extra arm, we have an arm socket. Our chests droop more than yours. That’s just about it. I’ve dated men who are FAR more emotional than any chick could be.  Men will say that women are irrational, impossible to understand, start arguments for no reason, blah blah blah.  If men would just pause for a moment and think about the consequences of their actions, as women do, we could all get along a lot better.

 From the perspective of a 35 year old woman, we are not that complicated. Pause for a moment and think about what you, a man, want from a relationship.  You want to feel important. You want to be comforted if you’re having a bad day. You want sex on demand. You want to be loved and nurtured.  You want to feel like a man, not a boy.

 Ok – guess what?  We chicks want to feel important, be comforted if we have a bad day, we want sex on demand, we want to be loved and nurtured and we want to feel like a woman, not a little girl.  The disconnect in men’s heads is that they don’t understand the consequences of what they say or do. Men have a tendency to see, or remember, the big picture, while women see the details and indicators.  Men seem to take a lot of things for granted because they don’t seem important to him – the problem with that is that men tend to overlook or ignore certain things that are important to a woman. And would be important to him too if he were on the other side.

 After a typical night out, a man will remember that he got laid.  A woman will be counting the number of times he did, or did not, kiss her. 

 Upon meeting a man, a woman will want to add him to her list of Facebook friends – after all, 99% of the people who are important to her life are on her Facebook.  Plus, if you break up, you can always delete him.  Because that’s what you do when you break up with someone – you sever ties so you can move forward.

 At the end of a typical week, a man will inherently know that he got a blowjob that week. Because his woman takes care of his every need.  A woman will have to consult a calendar to determine the last time she got any oral play.

 A man will assume that in order to impress a woman, he needs to have a lot of money and spoil her.  A woman knows that in order to impress a man, she needs to shower him with attention, hugs, kisses and love. Money isn’t everything – love and companionship is what makes the perfect ending to a terrible day. Why do men think that we don’t want the same?

 A woman will text her guy and tell him that she hopes he has a good day and will text sporadically throughout the day to make sure he knows she’s thinking of him. Men will go anywhere from 8 hours to four days between texting a woman back, and then wonder why she doesn’t want to see him or has made other plans?  It’s called attention – we don’t want 300 texts in one day, but we do want to know that we’re a priority, not an after-thought when you get a hard-on.

 If you’re introducing a new woman into your life, it would be considered a great courtesy to delete the pictures of your ex from your social networking pages, phone and by all means, remove all evidence of the chick from your house.  I think if a man were to walk into a woman’s house and there were a framed photo of her with her ex in some laughing embrace, he’d get a smidge upset.  See “Breaking Up’s Not Hard To Do” post if you don’t completely understand how to break-up with someone. There is, in fact, certain protocol to be followed.

 It’s not hard to understand a woman, guys.  Think about how you would like to be treated and loved – we want the same shit.  You want to be able to shove your cock down our throats any minute of any day, we want to be the only woman you’re shoving your cock into.  I don’t think it’s that women are complicated or confusing, I think it’s that men just don’t stop and think about the consequences of their actions, or lack of actions.

They point out that they polled more than 5,000 married men and women, ages 25 to 45 to get the “nitty gritty” on sex.

Ok – first of all, you’re polling married people rather than the people actually HAVING all the sex.  Unlike my future husband, whoever that lucky bloke may be, who will be getting ass as much as he can stand because I am a walking horn-dog, most married women don’t give it up as often as men would like.  But yes – by all means, don’t promote sex outside of marriage, keep it proper and only consult the folks who are legally binded to each other.

As I have now finally finished laughing here they are, with, of course, my own commentary instead of the clinical, priestly explanations Redbook provided..

Secret #1: Enthusiasm – as in, initiating sex. And not turning down sex because it’s “inconvenient.”

Ok – I’ll buy this one – you’re talking to the girl who will give her boyfriend roadhead just because she can.  A quickie against the clothes washer? Right on! Sex in the shower? How convenient! Blow job in the car before we head into the bar? Why not? Look ladies – as soon as you push your guy away “not now, honey” or fail to jump his bones, he’s going to lose interest. And then you’ll bitch that you guys “never make love anymore.”  Sex is not a one-way street – masturbation is.  With sex, you BOTH get to cum, so you should BOTH initiate, take control, ride each other, grab a quickie on the back porch while the kids are down the street. 

 And for all you guys out there – look, while marathon sex is great, it’s not something we require every single time you fuck us.  Sometimes, that fast, 2 minute quickie in the bathroom while you’re having a cookout and all your friends are outside is JUST what we need! Because while all our friends are outside drinking, we got to FUCK! Woo hoo for us!

Secret #2: Variety

 Never fuck the same way twice.  That’s it.

Secret #3: Adventure

This is where they start talking about “making love” in a public place, role playing, etc….

Here’s a tip, chickas – buy lingerie.  Buy some stiletto heels.  When your man is on his way over to get you for just a casual night of drinking, open the door in a teddy, thigh-high red stockings and stilettos. While his mouth is still gaping open at the sexy sight in front of him, drop to your knees and suck his cock. At some point, he’ll regain control of his arms and will drag you to the bedroom to fuck, or fuck you right there on the floor, and either way will spend the rest of the evening thanking god that he has a woman who will do that for him.

 Get into role playing – experiment with role-playing. And guys, believe it or not, you WILL like things in your ass – I’m not talking monster-purple dildo from the porn store, but anything from a tongue to a finger to a small dildo and I SWEAR to you – you will cum as you have never cum before. Prostate stimulation is the most powerful orgasm a man will ever have AND ladies, don’t forget, you can’t just manipulate his prostrate, you need to jack him off or suck him off at the same time. If you need further instructions, email me.

 And fuck in public. I don’t care if it’s in a parking lot, broad daylight, in a theatre, a strip club, restroom, board room, wherever….you will BOTH get off on the naughtiness and risk of getting caught.

 Secret #4: Generosity

So this is where they’re saying tit for tat, or eat her out for her giving you a blowjob.  Depends on the woman…some of us don’t get hung up whether a guy eats us out or not – if you are NOT good at it, we probably won’t want you to bother. And if we suck at blowjobs, you probably won’t want us to bother either.  But let’s assume that all women could suck start a Buick and all men know how to eat at the Y.  Even-stevens, guys.  I don’t mean that EVERY time  you get head you need to reciprocate, but you damn well better not save the eating out for a once-a-month special occasion or suddenly we’ll develop a disdain for the taste of your cum. Oh and ladies? Swallow the damn cum. There’s no reason to suck-and-spit – it’s just cum.  I mean, they swallow ours….

Secret #5: Authenticity

Apparently this is addressing the fact that you need to tell your “husband” (because remember, no good woman is going to fuck before marriage) what you want him to do, touch, lick, suck, bite, spank, choke….

 If you have a problem expressing what you want with the person you’re fucking, you shouldn’t be fucking.

Secret #6: Attention

Basically, regardless of how many kids you have or how much you work, find time to fuck and pay attention to your partner.  After all – look at the Duggar’s – that bitch has pushed out 19 fucking children – CLEARLY they still find time to fuck!

Secret #7: Courage

“To have the courage to put your needs aside and put the relationship’s needs first is really a big step in your own growth and in your life as a couple.”  I honestly don’t know what the fuck Redbook is talking about here.  Something about fighting about sex, don’t attack someone personally, needs are different, blah blah blah what the fuck? It’s fucking!

Secret #8: Confidence

I sort of already addressed this – follow your instincts, just enjoy each other and enjoy fucking.  Realizing not every woman is a cum-machine like me (I cum A LOT) but most woman are probably satisfied with just having one normal orgasm.  This isn’t a marathon to pound the shit out of her every time – it’s sex.  God-willing, you don’t absolutely suck. And if you do, maybe you should go to Vegas and visit a brothel for a few days to learn how to fuck a woman. Other than that, go with the flow, realize that we don’t expect you to pound us for 90 minutes every time.  Look – just have sex with us.  The more you have sex, the better your recovery time, the more we can have sex, interject some smoke breaks.  Screw the pressure – just screw us!

Secret #9: Physical Attraction

I don’t care what size you are, what your stretch marks look like, if your boobs are drooping a bit, etc…  Your man is attracted to you or he wouldn’t be fucking you.  Work up that sexiness – dress up for him, get naked for him (I always sleep nude – more convenient to fuck that way).  People’s bodies change a lot of the years, sometimes they yo-yo, whatever.  Sexy in your head, sexy in bed.

Secret #10: Absolute Delight

“You need a married honeymoon.”  I don’t get how this fits under “Absolute Delight” but whatever – trips are always great opportunities to fuck. LOL

 Hmmmmmmmm wonder if “Ladies Home Journal” has an article like this?

Do we all know who Patti Stanger is? The Millionaire Matchmaker out in L.A.?  I happen to be hooked on her show and ordered her book recently and thought I’d scour the internet for some dating tips from her. After, she’s the Jewish matchmaker guru goddess who finds true love for the millionaires of the world, right? So she’s gotta know a thing or two about how to find that one great guy.

1.   1.   Grow out your hair.  Apparently, short hair is a no-no (maybe it’s a Jewish thing?) for men and I have to admit, in my experience, 95% of the men I’ve been married to/dated have preferred nice long hair on their chicks.  I’m glad I’m growing mine out because I’d hate for my short hair to get in the way of me finding true love. [That was sarcasm by the way].
2. 2.  Get in shape.   She doesn’t say you need to be super-skinny, but she does feel that thunder-thighs may be a hindrance in finding your true love, so get your fat ass on the treadmill. Besides, it will make you feel better which makes for a more loveable you. LOL And let’s face it, men don’t think with their heads, they think with their dicks and they’re gonna pick the “fitter” chick over the “fatter” chick any day.
3. Get away from your friends – you have to make him love you, not fall in love with your friends.
4. Make dating cards – basically, a social business card.  So what would I put on this? Name, number, email, favorite restaurant, best sexual position, blow job skills?
5. Make a wish list, which will include all the places you’d like to go on a date.

Ok, so far, I’m thinking bullshit.  It’s sorta on the ball – I get that men have a thing for long hair and want their chicks fit – just like we don’t want a 400 pound gorilla in our bed… but dating cards? A wish list? Huh?

 Patti also offers this advice – move.  Yup, if you want the best luck in finding your true love of a man, you need to move to the top five cities she feels are the best places to land a man:

1- Breckenridge, Colorado
2- San Jose, California
3- Boise, Idaho
4- Minneapolis, Minnesota
5- Dallas, Texas

And by the way, New York City is apparently the no-man’s land for finding love.

Once you get settled in your apartment in your new town of Breckenridge, San Jose, Boise, Minneapolis or Dallas, Patti also suggests certain locales for you to visit to meet this fabulous new man in your life.  It’s a good thing you’ve been working out, because now you’re all fit to go skiing.  You should also attend professional sporting events, eat your dinner at a steakhouse, go have a latte in a hospital cafeteria and, my personal favorite, go hang out in the restaurants/bars of small airports.

If you send 25 text messages in a 2 hour period and receive no reply – it means I do not want to talk to you.  This should not be too hard for you to understand.  The same goes for emails or phone calls – if you have no response from me, it does NOT mean that I want you to continue to call or email me. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  All your incessant attempts at contact will do is provide me with more material for my blog and reinforce my belief that my decision was sooo the right one and good riddance!

If we broke up three months ago and you have not heard a word from me, do not suddenly text me, tell me you were wrong, admit you were an idiot and ask for a second chance.  Guess what guys – once an asshole, always an asshole, and you don’t get second chances with me.  Definitely not when one of the reasons we broke up was your blatant disregard for Valentine’s Day and, besides the fact you chew like a girl, is that you made the comment that “it sounds like you’re a typical woman and you think too much.”  Guess what dick – I’m an educated woman. I have three fucking degrees and years of psycho-therapy. One of the benefits of that is the ability to FINALLY spot an asshole a mile away.

If we broke up three years ago, because you are moronic douchebag among 20 other negative qualities including abusive, alcoholic, mooching-mother-fucker, do not expect any kind of reaction from me except hysterical laughter when you tell me that I’ve ruined you for other women.  I will not stop laughing for days at that one.

When I explain to you, exhaustively, that I do not want to have sex with you – that is NOT secret code for please text me and ask for sex, imply sex, send pictures of your cock or discuss sex with me.  It means I don’t want to sleep with you anymore.

Do not be surprised when I call you out as the lying sack of shit you so obviously are when you lie to me.  You will ALWAYS get caught.  Do not lie about having a girlfriend, being out of town, working late or tending to your sick sister.  I will find out about it. You don’t know if I’m friends with one of your sister’s co-workers who can confirm your actual whereabouts.  You don’t know if, in casual conversation with your sister, I will be told the truth. You don’t know if I will run into your mother who will talk about the great family cookout you all had that weekend.  You stupid shit.  Lie to me and it’s all over – suck it up and at least admit you’re a lying sack of shit.  I will not want to date you, ever, but I may be persuaded to still fuck you.  Maybe.

If I have rejected you – perhaps because you weigh 100 pounds more than your photo’s implied online, or because you sent me a picture of your cock 10 minutes within starting a conversation or because you asked if I’d go to a swinger’s club so you could swap my pussy out for another, before we’ve even met for our first date, do not continue to text me or email me after I’ve given you a gracious “Oh my God, yea, sorry, fuck off, leave me alone, this isn’t going to work” or some variation thereof of a text message.  To respond with a “wow you’re just a cunt” or “well you said you liked sex” kind of message will only further dig the cemetery plot into which I am throwing all knowledge of you to forever be forgotten.  I love sex – everyone knows I love sex – unfortunately, you will not be one of the men benefitting from my love of sex you freak of fucking nature. Loving sex does not mean that all senses of decorum and respect are thrown out the window.  Tool.

If, on the off-chance I actually don’t completely and totally hate you, I explain that I would like to continue a friendship with you, that is NOT secret code for “well, if you play your cards right, you might be able to wear me down in two months and get me to fuck you.”  I am a firm believer that a woman can be friends with a man and never sleep with him.  I can’t help that men think with their cocks first and their heads (on their shoulders) second.  If I say I want to be friends, I really mean it.  I’m not trying to play games – because if you really know me, you know that I don’t play games. I say it like it is and it’s done.

“Gabriel – I think what is needed right now is to stop while we’re ahead.  Neither of us can change our personalities or who we are – nor should we expect the other person to.  We are both about to become very, very busy and I don’t want either of us to lose focus of what we really need to do in our lives.

 I’m not sitting here with any animosity – I think we found ourselves in a whirlwind moment/opportunity and grabbed on with both hands, which is great, but now the bigger pieces are falling, just not into the places as we both would have hoped.

 I would hope that once the heart heals, a friendship could ensue but I also know that men have a hard time overcoming and separating those emotions from those of friendship.  You are an incredible guy – I know you are going to be tremendously successful in all you do – I truly have enjoyed and valued the time I have spent with you. When I said I loved you, I meant it – I do care about you and want all the best for you – but I don’t think I’m in love with you the way you need me to be. ”

 I thought was very kind and thoughtful of me.  Especially considering the fact that my hoo-hoo was on fire and I couldn’t pee.

Well then all hell broke loose………

 Needless to say, again, I did not respond to his insanely numerous messages for the rest of that day, nor going into Tuesday. I got a few more emails describing that I got scared, he has no issues, I was wrong to end it, etc…  I did not respond.  Why? BECAUSE I WAS IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM GETTING CATHETERIZED.  But that didn’t stop the text messages!!!

 I deleted a shit ton of them and then thought I should hang on to them in case I needed material.  Well, I’d say that saying that I deserved to be thrown off the porch by my ex-boyfriend and abused by him justifies my putting Crazy Gabe’s Crazy Texts online. 

 “I truly hate you. Not the emotions speaking, it’s rational logic.  You’re an insecure, ruthless, deceitful, manipulative, hateful, heartless, lying bitch! Aside from the droves of drunken washouts you’re used to taking home…this time, go fuck yourself! Now there’s something I’m sure even you can understand.”

 No response sent to him.  2 hours later:

 After describing how heartless I am and how wrong this was, he continues the series of text messages to say “by the way, you are one of the most wonderful things to happen to me in a long time. You’re a very special girl and I had an absolutely fantastic journey. There’ll always be a place for you in my heart.  You’re amazing, Amanda! This is how I’m choosing to remember you!”

 No response – why? Because I was waiting to get a tube shoved up my hole so my bladder could finally be drained after not being able to pee for 24 hours.  And because I’m typically not in the habit of responding to crazy people.

 I am then sent home with my catheter still inside me.  Fun afternoon.  As I am drifting off to sleep, he calls me.  Twice.  I do not respond.  I wake up this morning and text him to say “After all the mean, viscous, unfounded bullshit you spewed yesterday, why would you call me and expect me to answer? Goodbye Gabriel.”

 He admits he went nuts and called to apologize for the things he said.  He was very hurt and said them out of anger.  I don’t respond.   Then he starts again:

 “…our fear caused those stupid tiffs [fights] we had…”   ummm actually, it had nothing to do with any fear on our part.  We had three big arguments – one over him not listening when I explained an evening’s plans and thus him pouting because he misunderstood, another over the bra color on Facebook and the last for sitting next to my ex-boyfriend’s current girlfriend in a bar.  I choose not to respond.

 “The text I sent you yesterday about how I’ll remember us is honest. You’re an incredible woman. I didn’t mean those hateful things. I apologize.”

 I do not respond.  Because by now, I am in the process of pulling out my catheter and praying to God that I can pee on my own, just like a big girl! I have success! I proceed to get a shower and do some work for, you know, MY JOB.

 He calls me at 6:00 pm while I am at the store, buying parsley to make a special tea so my hoo-hoo will heal. I do not answer. I text him and ask him to please leave me alone, it’s over and done with.  I have received 39 texts from him. It’s 8:00 right now.  *sigh*

 So where were we? Oh yes – I had asked him to leave me alone.  To which, rather than leave me alone, he responds as such:

 “Understood! Unfortunately, you are such a liar! You are incapable of loving someone. You’re a complete bitch. You definitely are fucked up and will never find anything tangible. You are broken and love being so broken. I look forward to you remaining unfixable because you are so completely fucked up that no decent guy would ever subject himself to your hatred of men!”

 Let’s pause for a moment.  I have YET to attack Gabriel or call him ANY names. I have not psycho-analyzed his need for attention because he clearly had a fucked up childhood, has issues with his being adopted, unsure of his ethnicity, issues with his oddly-managed relationships with his parents, I think has a brother he mentioned in passing once? Nope – I haven’t touched any of it. Why? Because I don’t care.  That’s his life. I don’t have to live with him – thank God.  If you were to ask any of my friends or family members, they would describe my intense capacity to love, to nurture and just how UNBROKEN I am – in fact, even my fucking shrink would agree with me, because he helped heal me.  Jesus. Ok – so here’s more…

 “You’re impossibly bitchy! Best of luck with your shit love life. Nobody wants an unappreciative cunt! Thanks for absolutely nothing.”

 “Maybe you’re a whore and that’s why you were beaten so mercilessly.I hope you continue to find nothing but your online retards cuz let’s be honest….A BITCH LIKE YOU? You’re a fucking joke….”

 “Fuck you bitch! There’s some familiar territory for you!”

 “You’re a bitch! This is a confession, nothing else!”

 “I always love you but unfortunately I will always hate you at the same time.”

 “On a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 10 in my opinion! You are choosing to be a ruthless tyrannical bitch!”

 “You do owe me a phone call!”  [repeat this tirade or some variation of it for about 15 test messages]

 Now why in the hell would I call this guy after all of this shit?!?!

 I have received about 15 more text messages and one email regarding calling him.  Who in their right mind (oh wait, I’m psychotic so maybe he thinks I would actually call him) would want to call someone who has sent at least 150 text messages in 48 hours berating me? Because he hasn’t dished out enough verbal abuse, let me call him for more?!

 So this is me – signing off and closing the chapter, quite happily, on Crazy Gabe.  Who is STILL sending text messages.  Ok one more thing….

 I got this one at 9:45 last night “Last message….Fuck You Bitch!”

 “You have two bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree! You own your own home and your self-made! Who wouldn’t want you?!! Until you start to give yourself some credit, you’ll never understand your true nature. You’re super fantastic as far as I’m concerned!”

 Awww that’s superdy-duper.  Jesus.  A few hours ago, I was a cunt, now I’m super fantastic.

 “Stop sending mean texts…”  WHAT?  I’m the chick who’s been berated for the last three days and I’m sending HIM mean texts? I’ve sent him texts asking him to leave me alone – and telling him he’s crazy. I’d say one text for every 30 or 40 of his. 

 “Instead of conveying to your friends that I’m so crazy, maybe I’m just in love.”  [No, I think you’re crazy at this point].

 “You don’t have the first clue as to what it takes to have a successful relationship.”  [Really dude? I’ve been married and have had two long-term relationships since then – you, on the other hand, haven’t “been in love” since you were like 20….but I’m the one who’s clueless on relationships…]

 “I don’t have issues, Amanda, you do!” [HAHAHAHAHA! That’s why you’ve been harassing me for three days with texts and emails that range from I love you to I hate you to let me help you heal your obviously damaged psyche? Christ.]

 “I guarantee that you will reject love in every shape, form and fashion if you continue to blatently (sic) and blindly hate men as you do.”

 “You cannot hate and love. That’s the jist of it.  I feel sorry for you, Amanda. Fuck, man, you will just never get it!”

 Let’s take a vote – who sounds crazy here – me or 37 year old Gabe who clearly does NOT handle rejection well at all? May he leave me alone for all eternity because I really don’t need his insanity in my life.