“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” (Lucille Ball)  Dating younger men and fucking a lot helps too. (SJ Tavo)

 “You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” (Rosalynn Carter)  And smart enough to swallow every time.  (SJ Tavo)

 “Follow your instincts – you never know if your ideas will work out unless you try them.” (Lulu Guinness).  This rule does not apply to using vegetables as impromptu dildo’s.  (SJ Tavo)

 “Love is the time and space where “I” give myself the right to be extraordinary.” (Julia Kristeva)  Love is the time and space where you have multiple orgasms which make you FEEL extraordinary. (SJ Tavo)

 “The five most essential words for a healthy and vital relationship are: “I apologize” and “You are right.” (Unknown)  I would like to add three more words vital to a relationship: “Fuck me NOW.”  (SJ Tavo)

 ”We need 4 hugs a day for survival.  We need 7 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” (Virginia Satir)  We need 2 orgasms a day for survival. We need 6 orgasms a day for maintenance. We need 25 orgasms a day if you want us to keep fucking you. (SJ Tavo)

 “People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)  People are assholes – sometimes you see it before you fuck them, sometimes you see it after you wake up the next morning and see the cocksucker laying next to you in the daylight. (SJ Tavo)

 “Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice and need.” (Voltaire).  So does sex. (SJ Tavo)

 “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” (Coco Chanel).  The most courageous act is to wear tight white slacks on Day 2 of your Niagra Falls-like gushing period.  (SJ Tavo)

Dear God,

 I realize you’re a pretty busy entity, what with earthquakes destroying Haiti, wars all over the fucking place and the general level of evil and morons in the world, but I wanted to drop you a line and make a few easy requests.  I mean, for someone who deals with mega-huge issues, my little requests should be candy sprinkles for someone like you.

 First, it’d be great if you could help expedite taking the 20 pounds off my frame that I’m dying to lose.  But I’d like to keep my gigantic DD tits. Oh and if I could grow the ten inches of hair on my head that I’m trying to grow, but only do it over say two months, that’d be a great help too.

 Next, I really wouldn’t mind being discovered as an incredible writer so I could stop working 12 hour days and bleeding orange for my company.  I love my job, but I am pretty sure I can feel it sucking six months off my life every day that I go in.  If I could earn a living as a writer, I could enjoy what I do PLUS work in my pajamas and smoke at any time during the day.  That would just be lovely.

 If you could please eliminate all the bullshit that my family and friends have to put up with, from cunt bitches of ex-wives to asshole fiance’s, money issues out their asses and houses having a multitude of problems, that’d be a real bonus.  I think everyone could use a break.

 And about my relationship status… Look – I get that I’m really good at being single, and enjoy it for the most part, however, I would still love to find that right guy.  You know… the one who’s really tall since I have such an attraction for tall guys, with that great cock, someone who will get along with my family and friends, who won’t take me for granted, who likes to play card and board games, is an incredible kisser, snuggles with me but lets me have my own space in bed to sleep at night, likes my cat, gives great hugs, lives life to the fullest, is good looking, has a great sense of humor, respects me, loves me, trusts me, will make new memories with me, will go antiquing with me, can carry on an intelligent conversation, can fuck the hell out of me without giving me a UTI, a bladder infection and a yeast infection, doesn’t get all over my ass for smoking because I get enough of that shit from my parents, makes me feel great and also doesn’t give me shit for being a purse whore, I will, in exchange, do everything in my power to ensure that he knows I love him every day, respect his space and not blow up his phone when he goes out with the guys, try very hard to trust him even though that’s very difficult for me, trusting a man because well, you know…. And I’ll give him a blowjob whenever he wants it, bake him any treats that he may request, fuck him whenever he wants it and iron his clothes. We can split the house-chores.

 I think that just about covers it. Oh and I’d like to not have any more surgeries because I truly believe that having 16 in one lifetime is really enough.  Oh and I’d like to have a baby but I’m 35 so we really need to get on that get me a man shit, ok? 

 Thank you and have a nice day.

 Amen

–        Joan Rivers.

 We should pass a new law. Nobody can get famous just by sleeping with a celebrity and getting naked in a magazine. You have to make a contribution to society first. You can still be in Playboy, you just have to do something worthwhile beforehand. ‘I’ve developed a vaccine, and I’d like to show you my breasts.’ Go ahead, you’ve earned it.

–        Elayne Boosler.

 In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man~ if you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher

 A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t.

-Rhonda Hansome

 Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky

 A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they’d never been born the first time?

-Katharine Whitehorn

 People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

-Rebecca West

  To err is human, but it feels divine.

-Mae West

 It’s not the men in my life that count, it’s the life in my men.

-Mae West

A friend is one who knows all about you and likes you anyway.

-Christi Mary Warner

 Why is it when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?

-Lily Tomlin

 No matter how big or soft or warm your bed is, you still have to get out of it.

-Grace Slick

 Give a man a fish and he has food for a day. Teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.

-Zenna Schaffer

  I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

-Rita Rudner

 A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.

-Monica Piper

 One more drink and I’ll be under the host.

-Dorothy Parker

 I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

-Bette Midler

 I’m furious about the Women’s Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That’s true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

             -Anita Loos

As I pause to reflect on the year that’s passed,
I wonder if it was any better than the last.
Gas prices have spiked so high that our travels were few,
Foreclosures are common and unemployment is too.
We stay home more, we eat out less,
We wonder when we will pass this ultimate test.
It is easy to gripe and groan about pinching our pennies
And stretching our means,
but we should also be grateful for
our blessings, the good things.

I’m thankful for my family, their health and support,
I’m thankful to still have two parents to whom I report.
I’m thankful for my friends, my comrades, my pals,
I’m thankful for their love, laughs and tears, and nights out with the gals.
I’m thankful for my best friend, her daughter, my “Loves”,
Who’ve shown me happiness in a fresh-baked muffin, a sleepover, a hug.
I’m thankful for my career with a Canton company,
One which has its ups and downs yet maintains its integrity.
I’m thankful for the free kitten who has matured into a cat,
I’m thankful for loving neighbors with whom I can chat.
I’m thankful for the little things, the smiles, the grins,
The XOX’s my Mama ends her emails with.
So take a moment and reflect, put aside your complaints,
And ask yourself if maybe you aren’t truly thankful for all you’ve been blessed with in 2008.

awww nice huh? So here’s how they butcher it.

In poem form, Amanda XXXXXX of the XXXXX Co., wrote she is thankful for her family, their health and support. She is also thankful for her friends, her cat and kisses and hugs her mother ends her e-mails with.

Are you fucking kidding me??? Sweet Jesus – plus they printed a fucking picture of me. Social Suicide, thank you Suppository!

 When choosing between two evils, I always like to try one I’ve never tried before – Mae West

 When faced with a decision, always ask, “What would be the most fun?” – Peggy Walker

 The problem with women is that they get all worried and crazy about nothing, and then marry him. – Cher

 I think, therefore I’m single. – Liz Winston

If you don’t have anything nice to say about anyone, come sit by me. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. – Gloria Steinem

Lead me not into temptation, I can find the way myself – Rita Mae Brown

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. – Katherine Hepburn

If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. – Catherine Aird

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute. – Rebecca West

No matter how good he looks, no matter how sweet he talks – somebody, somewhere, is sick and tired of his bullshit. – unkown

There’s a little bit of hooker in every woman – a little bit of hooker, and a little bit of God. – Sarah Miles

There are things easier in life than trying to find the right guy – like nailing jelly to a tree, for example. – unknown

 A real girlfriend will celebrate when you have three choices of booty calls to choose from for an evening.

 A real girlfriend will check with you before she orders more blackberry cases because she has a 10% off coupon for them, because like you, she changes her case about once every two months and eventually destroys them snapping them off all the time and besides, we like sharing in retail therapy.

 A real girlfriend will always notice your new highlights.

 A real girlfriend will love your daughters as if they were her own.

 A real girlfriend will bring you a feast from Taco Bell on your third day in the hospital.

 A real girlfriend will tell you that when she finally gets her boobjob, she’s bringing you with her because she wants boobs just like yours.

 A real girlfriend, when you text her “hey, please keep my drunken tirade that I sent you last night to yourself” will reply “I don’t know what you’re talking about ”

 A real girlfriend will take one look at you the morning after a rough night when you get to work, sniff you and say “holy shit – here’s some Febreze, go de-rum thyself before your boss gets here.”

 A real girlfriend will laugh and admire the 12 t-shirts you bought during your 7:00 a.m. woke-up-still-drunk-and-decided-you-needed-new-t-shirts errand at the Walmart across the street.

 A real girlfriend will fully support you in your efforts to make a vat (3 boxes) of Kraft macaroni & cheese at 10:00 at night when you have just smoked weed for the first time in 10 years and don’t remember ever having the urge to eat the sofa because the munchies were so bad.