Yes he actually wrote this as his resume….

 I completed all twelve years of grade school and two years of a trade school for precision machining technology in 2006. I received my diploma from cloverleaf high school in Lodi Ohio, and a certificate of competency from Medina county career center in Medina Ohio,. I received a osha certification and am trained in cnc/cad milling, drilling and milling, engine lathes, precision metal cutting, grinding machines. I also took a sixty hour course for welding on and two skills in 2008 and received a certificate of  completion and i am certified in mig welding.

 After school i worked as a lube tech at a midas auto repair shop in 2007 for six months and was able to learn hands on as i worked from a master ase certified tech. I then worked at a privet owned shop named wilsons garage for four years and continued to learn from another master ase certified tech.

 I am a self motivated and hands on independent worker. I learn new concepts quickly and will put 110% into what ever i am faced with. I believe in giving respect and getting respect and have no problem respecting the work place.  I fallow projects through completion and enjoy working and giving the chance i would like to show that i am willing to do my best at what ever gets put in front of me.

                                                 thank you for your time

  it’s a shame she was only at 95%, we were hoping for 98%….

SKILLS: Punctual, Highly motivated, Self Starter with the ability to multi-task, Strong Communication skills, Energetic, Acreative problem solver who rapidly adapts to changing demands, Handling customer complaints professionally with 95% satisfaction, Work well independly

[NOTE TO SELF - Spellcheck is EVERYONE'S friend]

Another winner…..

EDUCATION

High School or equivalent, General Studies,

September 2006 – August 2009

 Field High School | Brimfield, OH

 I studied Spanish for two years, took an extra art class, took advanced PE and took advanced Bio. I graduated with a 3.0 and earned an academic letter my junior year. I Graduated in the top half of my class, never missed a day of school my senior year. I played baseball and football for my school. I got along with all my classmates and never caused any trouble with my classmates or teachers.

 so……….you were a jock and took advanced gym class? and since you were smarter than 50% of your classmates, you earned an “academic letter” [which I've never heard of] with a GPA of 3.0…..and good job on not being a troublemaker! WHAT?!?!?!

BEING FRIENDLY ISN’T A SKILL!!!!!!

 Skills

Friendly, Punctual, Organized.

 Answering Phones and Filing

 Word, Excel, Access, PowerPoint, Outlook, Sherware and QuickBooks.

 I am a Notary

 What an opening line….

 I am currently in the process of obtaining my GED. I am a certified forklift operator, with a great work ethic and great values, I believe if you take a chance on me you will not be disappointed.

Amazing…..

 Objectives

retail/ all openings

 Skills

I am reliable, I can run a cash register, I am very good with people, I also do well in stressful situations.

 Education

2005 canton city even start in canton Ohio GED completed.

 Work Experience

 2006 assistant manger at gas and oil from June of 2005 to January of 2006

 Best in Plastic I worked from March 2006 till august

 2008 precious little lamb’s day care from May till

 June. Then I went to fresh mark from June-September.

 2009 Suarez corp. worked from September till the end of December.

 2010 In home day care from December and still do this at this time.

 Volunteer experience I have served food at the Greek festival I also start school the end of august

 Gaps in Employment

 I have had gaps in my employment history do to my having children with special need however I have a in home baby sitter and I am able to handle either full time or part time work. If you need me to explain I will with no problem .

[you had me at Greek Festival....]

Another solid resume…

 OBJECTIVE

 TO KEEP MY GOALS CLOSE AND NEVER LETTING MY ENVIRONMENT ILLUSTRATE THE PERSON THAT I AM. BY BUILDING A BETTER LIFE FOR MY FAMILY I’LL BECOME A ROLE MODEL FOR CHILD AND A BETTER PERSON.

 SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS

I HAVE WORKED IN VARIOUS FIELDS OF CUSTOMER SERVICE. MY GOAL IS TO

RECEIVE A DEGREE IN FASHION MERCHANDISING. BUT IN THE TIME BEING I AM

WEIGHING OUT MY OPTIONS TO RAISE MY DAUGHTER. I LOVE WORKING WITH PEOPLE. IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO BE IN A ENVIROMENT WHERE ITS POSSIBLE TO DO SO.

Yes, I actually just received this email…

 Hi,

Im-replying-to-your-light-packaging-ad-from-craigslist.

I-was-just-wondering-what-kind-of-work-it-is?

 Thanks-for-your-reply

  (I-apoligize-for-the-dashes-my-spacebar-doesnt-work.)

See what I mean?  Floodgates of random thoughts.  Welcome to my head.

So I’m sitting here, a smidge irritated with work for 1,001 reasons and then I get a text from my husband that just makes me smile and I realize that I’m so thankful for the life I have today – that as much fun as I may have had in my life past, my life now is incredibly freaking superfragilisticexpealidocious awesome.

Case in point:

I’m educated with three degrees and can formulate a sentence without breaking at least six English grammar rules.

When I look in the mirror and see a fat roll being accentuated by my shirt, I promptly change my shirt since the general public should not be subjected to my fat roll and neither should my husband.

I have a J-O-B and when I check out at Giant Eagle on the 1^st day of the Month with my five snotty kids under the age of 6 and two without shoes on, I know that I’m paying for my groceries with money I’ve earned, not the money the five people behind me earned.  Just sayin.’

I don’t have five snotty kids – you know why? I use birth control.

My mother-in-law does not drive me crazy.  Neither does my father-in-law. Nor my brothers-in-law.  In fact, I love my in-laws.  Thank you Jesus.

I don’t own jeggings. [actual photo I took outside our local Big Lots store].

I’ve never been to jail – so I don’t have to worry about carrying jail cooties with me for the rest of my life.

I don’t watch The Jersey Shore – I like myself too much.

I don’t live in a trailer park – I think that has to be so depressing. They never have fun names either like “Sunnydale Trailer Park” or “Sunshine Trailers.”  It’s always something like “Desolate End of the Road Trailerville” or something like that.

I have one vehicle, with four tires, that works and is parked in my garage.

I have a husband who humors my absurd obsession with Glee.

I’m not ugly and I have a nice rack.

I know my ABC’s and 123’s and don’t have to use my fingers or toes to recite them.

I don’t have a crazy crackhead cousin who squeezed his girlfriend’s puppy to death during an argument. [true story].

I don’t get into bar fights – nor do I go to bars where bar fights are common occurrences.

I’m 36 married to a 28 year old.  Need I say more?

 And don’t jump on your high-horse – these are publicly available resumes….I have an inside source who is providing these and all names have been removed. Although “Shit for Brains” and “Dumbass” could apply….

 Stupid Example #1:

Summary:

I’m a very hard worker and I take pride in everything I do. I do everything to the

best of my ability, not only for myself, but for my employers, employees and any

customer I may have. I am always up for new experiences and learning as I go.

My goal is to find a career that I will love.

 Experiences:

I have several years experience in child care. I have been watching and taking care of children since I was 13 years old. Now that I’m a mother, that just added to my experience. I also have over 5 years experience in Telemarketing and customer service. I’ve also done Packing and Assembly work. I’m looking for something new to increase my experiences.

Education:

William M. Davies Career and Technical High School: 1992-1996

While attending and doing my regular work, I took Culinary Arts for the 4 years I was there. Although, I did not pursue this as a career after high school, I enjoyed learning all aspects of the Culinary world.

Interests:

I absolutely love spending time with my children, family and friends. I take pride on how blessed I am to have them all in my life. I also enjoy reading, it keeps the mind going. Listening to music is one of my joys as well, it helps keep the mind at ease and is very relaxing. I like to stay busy from keeping from being bored. I love doing activities with my kids and being creative. That quality time alone, enjoying precious time while having fun. It creates memories in which I hold dear in my heart.

Work History:

 OKS Ameridial Inc.

Telemarketer

(330) 868-2000

102 Market St.

Minerva,OH. 44657

From: 04/05/2005 – To: 05/12/2010

Duties:

It was my job to recruit new and prior volunteers to raise awareness in their community to send out educational letters for different charitable organizations. Just to name a few: March of Dimes, American Cancer Society, Leukemia and Lymphoma, Disabled Veterans Of America, etc. The letters explain the need to raise awareness and how important it is to get the word out there on these very serious diseases and disabilities. These letters also ask if they could make a small charitable donation. If they are not willing to help in distributing these letters, we ask them if they are willing to make a charitable donation of their own. This was a very rewarding job. It opened my eyes to what is in need out there and how important it is help those in need. It was also very educational and I learned a lot.

Lori and Jim

Babysitting

106 ABC Street

Stupidville, CA 12345

From: 03/2000 -To: 02/2002

Duties:

I babysat their two handsome little boys. At the start of this job, the boys were 5 months old and 4 years old. I watched them Monday through Friday from 8am- 5pm. I fed them breakfast and lunch and also provided snacks. I did a lot of activities with them and taught them educational things. The 4year old attended school 3 days a week, so I took him to the bus stop and also picked him up from the bus stop. I helped him with his homework as well. I absoutely loved this job. Children are a blessing to begin with, and to have the opportunity to watch another persons child, it was very rewarding.

Acfn (AFFA Inc.)

Appointment Setter-Telemarketer

(408) 351-5100

96 N. 3rd St. #600

San Jose,CA. 95112

From: 08/1998 – To: 01/1999

Duties:

I took incoming calls from Kirby Vacuum customers and set appointments for them to have their carpets cleaned.

City Personnel Employment Agency (Chadwicks)

Sorter,Price tagger,Packer

(401) 331-2311

170 Broadway

Providence,RI. 02903

Duties:

I had to sort out clothes, men, women and children. I had to sort them by size then price tag them. After that, I had to pack them up and get them ready for the shipping and receiving department. 

My accomplishments:

Everything I have done in my life, made me a stronger person. I have learned a lot over the years, whether it be from life experiences, jobs, and or people I have met throughout the years. I have encountered a lot of road blocks, but learned to continue on my journey to live a life of new experiences and challenges. I welcome them with open arms. Over the years, I also learned not to take anything or anyone for granted. We only have one life, take it one day at a time and live your life to the fullest

Stupid Example #2:

Work Experience

 Customer Service Rep

 2/2010 – 7/2010 Ameridial Inc., Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I handle inbound calls for an insurance company explain benefits and help customer regarding rejections on their claims, I also work for the pharmacy department handling pharmacy rejects issuing authorization for prescriptions for rejected claims.

 CSR/ TSR

 12/2008 – 5/2009 Arthur Middleton, North Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I handle inbound sales calls for various products, as well as handle outbound sales calls to existing customers.

 Homemaker

 9/2006 – 5/2008 Homemaker, Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I had some personal reason to handle at that time; I was going thru a divorce at that time.

 Package Handler

 7/2006 – 9/2006 Fed EX Ground #441, Richfield, Ohio

 ▪    I scanned and loaded package on a delivery truck.

 Interviewer

 3/2003 – 7/2006 Center For Policy Studies (Akron University), Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I conducted surveys over the phone and enter in responses verbatim.

 General Labor

 2/2006 – 3/2006 Snider and Blake (Step 2), Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I trimmed and assembled toys and other plastic household items. This was only a temporary position

 Assistant Manger

 10/2003 – 6/2004 Original Cookie CO. Mrs. Fields, Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I was responsible for many things such as handling customers concerns, and orders. I baked cookies and decorated them to the customers’ orders. I deposited the nightly bank drops. I work most of the time by myself. I helped to increase sales by 50% in this location. I was there until this location was closed by the company.

 Homemaker

 9/2000 – 2/2003 Homemaker, Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I had complication due to childbirth of my child.

 Associate

 7/2000 – 9/2000 BP Gas station, Fairlawn, Ohio

 ▪    I was responsible for helping customers with gas if disabled and to take inventory of the merchandise at the end of each shift as well as stock shelves.

 Telemarketer

 6/1998 – 8/2000 Civic Development Group (CDG), Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I sold long distance plans, cell phones, and did various fundraising projects across the United States over the telephone. In doing this, I developed strong customer’s services skills because of the vast number of people I contacted each day.

 Appointment Setter

 6/1999 – 8/2000 Western Olympic Financial Group, Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I set appointments over the telephone for loan officer regarding potential leads for mortgages

 Education

 8/2008 – 8/2010 Brown Mackie North Canton, North Canton , Ohio

 ▪    Some College Coursework Completed

 ▪    The area of study was accounting. I did not finish this degree because of a lack of accreditations. I also proficient in MS word, excel PowerPoint, access, one note, outlook, and publisher and Quick books.

 11/2008 – 11/2008 HR Block Tax Class, Canton , Ohio

 ▪    Some High School Coursework

 ▪    I learned the tax process, laws and theories in preparing tax returns in different situations

  Skills

Adobe, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, Microsoft Access, Microsoft Outlook, Power Point, Printer, copier , fax machine Quick Books, Typing 40WPM, I am able to multitask.

Me neither! I know I’ve been neglectful as I have transformed myself from using men and independent chick to falling madly in love and domesticating my horny ass into a wife, but I’m bound and determined to get back into my writing – something’s gotta be an outlet for the ridiculousness that is life! I’ll try to spare you from the sap that is my marriage since I really have no complaints because my husband is God’s gift to me in every way LOL (gag) but I have a new source of some fun material so I’ll kick something off later this morning.

Yes – can you believe it? I’m married! J For all the losers and idiots I met and dated and got to know, I finally found a non-idiot, sweetheart of a man and couldn’t be any happier if I tried!  Patience and a little faith will find the perfect partner for each of us.  And for those of you wasting your time with the lying, defensive, “over-protective”, psycho, domineering, jackass, unemployable, whining, blaming sacks of shit, I tell you to cut them out of your life, enjoy some single time and then when you’re good and ready, you’ll meet that man of your dreams and fall madly in love – because if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!

So, having shipped my wedding dress off to California to be made into an heirloom quilt and sit and plan the decorating for our future kids’ rooms, let’s take a moment and shake our heads and chat about the Dear Abby Idiots of the world!!

DEAR ABBY: I’m 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

My husband, “Todd,” is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week. I’m exhausted and can’t do it anymore!

My best friend, “Mavis,” has been a widow for five years. She tells me she’s going crazy because she hasn’t had sex in all this time. She asked if I’d share Todd just one night a week. Mavis isn’t pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I’m ready to agree, but I haven’t mentioned it to Todd.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement? — NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX

Dear Needs a Break – you’re a fucking idiot.  You have a guy who wants to sleep with your aging 53 year old droopy ass, and you claim to be tired after working not even a full day at an office? Does all that A/C just suck the life out of you every day? Maybe it’s the sitting in a chair emailing your girlfriend the latest joke that really wears you out.  So instead of getting off your duff and awakening your sexuality, you want to pass your husband, the man  you supposedly love and adore and pledged your life to, on to your so-so girlfriend who can’t get any.  Get her a vibrator and fuck your husband.  Idiot.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a woman in my mid-40s. Over the years I have diligently exercised, eaten right and taken good care of my skin. I keep my hairstyle and clothing up-to-date.

I am constantly taken to be much younger than I am. While some of my peers may be jealous of this “problem,” I find it extremely annoying. It’s especially bothersome in a business situation when someone my age or slightly older treats me as though he/she could be my parent.

I am not inclined to broadcast my age. Is there a professional way to deal with their condescending attitude? — LOOKS YOUNGER, BUT ISN’T

Dear Looks Younger – you’re a bitch.  Fuck you and boo hoo.

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my boyfriend, “Doug,” gave me a promise ring. I was proud and happy to show it to everyone. But Doug’s parents, siblings and his three children don’t know he has given me the ring.

It feels odd that he’s keeping this milestone of our relationship a secret. He says it’s because he’s a private person and doesn’t tell his family about his personal life. What do you think about this? — SECRETLY PROMISED IN PORTLAND, MAINE

Dear Secretly Promised – what are you, 12? A fucking promise ring and he has three kids???  Ok, let me back up a moment.  Let’s say he had the kids young so at best he’s like 30. Oh God – who am I kidding.  Unless you’re a minor, giving someone a promise ring is just about the cheesiest thing you can do.  And gee – he can’t even tell his parents or kids that he’s promised to promise to marry you? And you’re still dating him.  Things are starting to make sense here……

Since I am presently in the throes of planning my delightfully small, intimate May wedding with the Dougster, and loving every minute of it, I thought I’d find some of our wonderfully inept Americans who are writing Dear Abby for wedding advice. And I managed to find some doozies. Here comes the bride….as dimwitted as ever!

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man. Our wedding day was going perfectly and I had all the family I loved around me – including my divorced grandparents. My grandfather has remarried, but still had a lot of unfinished legal business with Grandma that needed settling. Grandpa thought my wedding reception would be a good place to do it and served her with court papers there. I was so upset that he would do this on my special day, I have stopped talking to him. He dropped by my mom’s one day and I ignored him. He told me if I wanted to “divorce” him as my grandfather I could, but that he wasn’t wrong and wouldn’t apologize for it. Please tell me what you think. Am I wrong for expecting him to apologize to me for what he did? – New Iowa Bride Dear New Iowa Bride – I think Iowa says it all. What a nice, redneck, ass-backwards family you have. Let’s start with your grandparents getting divorced – Christ – at their age, what’s the freaking point? They clearly have no tact if Grandpa thought it’d be ok to serve Granny with some court papers for their legal feud at your reception….tell me, did you have karaoke at your reception too? Classy family hon. DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I became engaged. We are trying to decide whether to have a large wedding or elope. This is my second marriage and his first. My first wedding was held in the town where I lived, 2,000 miles from my parents’ home. It was very expensive, and my parents paid for everything. They told me they will not pay for this wedding unless it is held in the town where they now live. It’s halfway across the country from where my boyfriend and I reside. Neither of us has friends there, but my mother’s relatives live within driving distance. (These family members missed my first wedding because they could not afford to travel.) Abby, my boyfriend’s parents don’t want to go that far for a wedding, and I think his mother is hoping we will marry in her Catholic church. I suspect my boyfriend wants to be married in their hometown and in the church, but he doesn’t want to ask his parents to help pay for the wedding. I feel bad because traditionally the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. My mother is putting pressure on me because they spent a lot of money on my first wedding and her family wasn’t able to attend. My boyfriend and I cannot afford to pay for a wedding, so we have considered eloping or having a small wedding where we live with only family and close friends attending. We could then have two receptions, one here, and one in my parents’ area. My parents might pay for a reception there. Abby, is this a proper solution, or will people think we are cheap? And will this offend either set of parents? I’m willing to go with the flow, but I’m not sure in which direction it is flowing. — UNHAPPY WEDDING PLANNER Dear Unhappy Stupid Twit Wedding Planner – let’s start with….it’s your fucking day! Do whatever you want! Let’s second that with, hey spoiled bitch – mommy and daddy already paid for one wedding and clearly that marriage crashed and burned, so now you expect them to pay for another? Wake up! Parents shouldn’t pay for you to do it a second time around – save your money and pay for it your damn self! It is not appropriate to have a large wedding and invite all the same people who came to your first one. Your fiancé should understand that. In addition, let’s get back to two receptions. I don’t think so. Your family could have you come home and host an open house so that family and friends could meet your new husband, but a full reception? I don’t think so. It’s called wedding etiquette – look it up. Dear Abby: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of some casual friends, “Ron” and “Barbie.” We sent in our RSVP accepting the invitation, but already we’re dreading the day. You see, a few weeks after we mailed it, we had dinner with them. During the dinner, Ron and Barbie blatantly informed us that they had registered for expensive shower items (I had attended the shower) so they could return the gifts for cash. During the conversation, I mentioned I’d had my eye on a pricey vacuum cleaner I had seen advertised on TV. Barbie turned to her fiance and said, “Honey, we should have registered for that so we could return it for the cash!” I was floored. So was my husband, though neither of us said a word until we were well on our way home and away from the “happy couple.” If that wasn’t enough, they were complaining about some blue towels they had received that they had not registered for. Barbie said they hated them and had returned them. Want to guess what my shower gift was? The blue towels, of course. I couldn’t believe she was saying this to us! My husband was so disgusted he quietly excused himself from attending the bachelor party. Now he no longer even wants to go to the wedding — let alone give them another gift. He says they make him sick. But we already sent in the card saying that we’ll be attending. I agree with my husband on this. The only thing holding us back is the etiquette issue of being a “no-show.” Otherwise, I couldn’t give a rip about those people. What to do? — Speechless in Michigan Dear Speechless – grow a spine. That bitch just complained about receiving some blue towels that she promptly returned, with no regard to your feelings, and you give a fuck about being a no-show? Hell honey, if I were you, I’d call everyone else you know who was going to the wedding, tell them what you know and give them a couple tables full of no-shows! Fuck ‘em!

When you send him a rant of an email about how you don’t see any point in paying for a wedding when it’s your second, you don’t want a lot of people there that you can both barely stand, you don’t want to have a cheap, cheesy wedding either….and he realizes how stressed you are, he agrees to elope.  Whatever keeps you happy and sane.

He then agrees to a small, intimate 7 minute civil ceremony with a brunch following, with 20 of your closest friends and relatives in three months rather than 8 months, and then says “Geez– a month ago we weren’t engaged, now we’re getting married in a couple months – heck yea I love you!” with a big grin on his face and his mother laughing on the phone.

When you email your Dad to tell him to expect a call from your boyfriend, who’s thankful he’s in Savannah with his guns, your Dad says “okey dokey – I promise I’ll be nice” to which you respond “oh no, be a smartass and make him sweat it out – it’s more fun like that.”  And your boyfriend just says “thanks.”

When you look at the last year of your life, you realize you’ve met the most amazing man who loves and adores you, makes you laugh, is proud to be with you, is determined to succeed in all he does and provide a life with you, plus rocks your world, bought a deep freeze, a ¼ of cow with you, a king-sized bed, loves your bitch of a cat AND a guy your family adores and his family thinks of you as their own….you realize you’ve hit the jackpot and can’t wait to change your name and become his wife.

oh what a difference a year makes!

“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
-Steve Martin

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience. But as meaningless experiences go, it’s one of the best.”
–Woody Allen

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
–Unknown

“Homosexuality is God’s way of insuring that the truly gifted aren’t burdened with children.”
–Sam Austin

“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”
–George Burns

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
–Matt Barry

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”
–Woody Allen

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
–George Burns

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
–Henry Miller

“There’s nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.”
–George Burns

 “Sex is interesting, but it’s not totally important. I mean it’s not even as important (physically) as excretion. A man can go seventy years without a piece of ass, but he can die in a week without a bowel movement.” — Charles Bukowski

 “Remember, sex is like a Chinese dinner. It ain’t over ’til you both get your cookie.”– Alec Baldwin

 “Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.” — Robert A. Heinlein

 “Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.”

–Jeff Foxworthy

 “Writing is a lot like sex. At first you do it because you like it.

Then you find yourself doing it for a few close friends and people you like.

But if you’re any good at all…you end up doing it for money.“

–Unknown

 “Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!”

–Austin Powers

“Ann Landers said that you are addicted to sex if you have

sex more than 3 times a day, and that you should seek professional help.

I have news for Ann Landers: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day

is if I seek professional help.”

–Jay Leno

“Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.”

–Unknown

“Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches

you’re going to get or how long it will last.”

–Unknown

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”

–Sharon Stone

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,

but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”

–Barbara Bush

“Personally, I like sex and I don’t care what a man thinks of me as long as I get what I want from him – which is usually sex.” –Valerie Perrine

“Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don’t are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word.  Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn’t put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.”  –Fran Lebowitz

Ok – I have heard about it for months now but have never watched it….I tried to watch it the other night with Doug and we lasted about 2 minutes before we said “what the fuck are we watching this for?” and turned the channel.  We tuned in because all of his friends’ girlfriends/wives were going on and on about the show the other night and I literally walked away because my idea of a good time is NOT watching ghetto-hood-rat-whores and scuzzballs from the  Toilet of America aka New Jersey drink their way into sex every night.  Yes, I’m talking about Angelina  “Legs Always Open for Business” , DJ Pauly D “Nice Tits” , JWOWW “What a Rack Serial Slut” , Ronnie “It’s OK To Admit You’re Gay and Have a 3 Inch Penis” , Sammi ”Grow Some Tits” , Snooki  “The Tannest Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz Whorehouse”, The Situation “Holy Christ You Are Just Ugly” and Vinny “Thank God You’re Not My Cousin”…..aka Whore, Guido, Whore, Guido, Whore, Whore, Guido and Guido.

Bio’s for the castmates include:

Angelina “Legs Always Open for Business” is 22 and from Staten Island.  She’s an NYC bartender and seems to cause conflicts among the male castmates – because no one likes sloppy seconds and she’s always fucking one of them, perhaps?

Jenni  JWOWW “What a Rack Serial Slut” is 23 and claims to be a graphic designer…maybe for the porn industry.  At least she admitted to buying her boobs….and has a problem being faithful as she too fucks her castmates.

Mike The Situation “Holy Christ You Are Just Ugly” is 27 (wow – aren’t you a bit old to be acting like this?) and is an assistant manager of a fitness center and he hopes to settle down.  He also used to be an exotic dancer.  This is the look of surprise I wish you could see on my face.

Snooki  “The Tannest Munchkin from The Wizard of Oz Whorehouse” is 21 and wants to be a veterinary assistant….why, so dogs can start fucking you because you’ve already fucked all of Jersey?  Snooki recently got arrested for a drunk & disorderly charge.  Someone must have tried to let the air out of her hair poof.

DJ Pauly D “Nice Tits” is 28 (again – you’re too old for this shit you idiot) and (shocker) has a tanning bed in his house.  He spends 25 minutes on his hair.  He also has bigger tits than Jodie Foster.

Ronnie “It’s OK To Admit You’re Gay and Have a 3 Inch Penis” is 23 and from the Bronx. He likes to fuck around with his castmates – which is surprising, because he fucks around with the girls and not the guys because clearly, this short little guy is gay.

Sammi ”Grow Some Tits” is 22 and, well, needs to grow some tits. Do  we really care about the rest of her bio?

Vinny “Thank God You’re Not My Cousin” is 21 and butt-fucking-ugly.  He’d like to be an attorney if acting doesn’t work out.  Good luck with that.

OH MY GOD.  People actually watch this shit?  Sluts with titties oozing out of their “good morning judge” dresses as they balance on their stiletto heels bought with daddy’s gold card, Guido’s with their gold chains rivaling Mr. T’s collection and hair greasier than a roller bearing….Jesus Christ.  I think all fans of that show should be shot or at a minimum, fucking educated to give a shit about something a little more relevant than Jersey Twats and Greasers parading their shit on TV. 

What’s even worse is to go to the MTV-sponsored website for this pile of Jersey Trash show and read the “fans’” comments.  Sweet Jesus.  Among them:

For Vinny:  “Something about him makes him so much hotter than the other guys…” to which Keisha replied “He looks normal…his tan isn’t as orange as the other guys..he looks YUMMY.”  He’s ugly you retarded twats.

For Snooki, after someone (accurately) commented “Ugly and fat..close ur mouth..ugly smile”….” funny how you talk but you don’t have a profile pic. up…you say people need to stop hating on angelina and sammi (i agree btw) but you need to stop hating on jwoww and snooki, they’re hot, and wayy better looking than angelina, she’s ugly compared to the other three women”   People – seriously….you’re talking about people YOU DO NOT KNOW.

This poor child needs to get a life: “I love you all omg I love Jersey Shore you ppl complete me nxt to God nd’ Family nd’ friends ! looks like Ronnie nd’ Sammi are together awww.. I love those two together forreal nd’ for all of the haters go kick rocks ! they are going to be together if you like it or not ! ha love them ..love the whole cast sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much ! *muah*”  

These are the figures of our future… God fucking help us.

1. People who say “can i borrow a kleenex?”  Please keep it – I’m not going to want it back after you snot in it.  That goes for a piece of gum, too.

2. People who put leashes on their kids – if you’re going to put a leash on them, could at least complete the dog transformation and give them a muzzle too?

3. People who claim to be devout Christians – and then motherf*%k you up and down.

4. People who feel bad for Tiger Woods.

5. People who “the grass isn’t always greener…” – it may not be greener, but at least your annoying ass isn’t on the other side.

6. Stupid People.  I really just hate stupid people.

7. Born-again virgins.  You lost your cherry – you can’t grow it back – so if you’ve done the deed (and got knocked up, Bristol Palin) – why become a born-again virgin?

8. People who “don’t smoke” until they are drinking and then mooch cigarettes off you all night.  If you’re going to drink, stop and buy your own damn cigarettes.

9. Girls who THINK they are cute and adorable and then when they have three drinks, they are passing out on the ground or hanging all over their husbands, ready to pass out.  How about you not suck down that bottle of vodka in 30 minutes and be able to carry on a conversation for a while that does NOT involve guido’s from Jersey Shore or the whores from the Kardashian show…

10.  Guys who are gay and won’t admit it.  There’s nothing wrong with being gay.  So just come out already.  Don’t hide it, be proud of it.  Stop acting like you’re looking for a girlfriend when, really, you’re gay. 

11.  Men with Napoleon complexes.  You’re short.  Get over it.  You don’t have to develop an ego the size of Texas to overcompensate.  We know you’re little. 

12.  People who insist upon giving advice incessantly – and thinking that they are ALWAYS right – when they have no basis for giving advice. Unless it’s advice on how to get evicted, how to NOT marry your baby’s Mama, how to lose your job repeatedly or how to dress like a ghetto hood rat, you should probably keep your mouth shut.  Unless you’re advising other ghetto hood rats and then preach away. (I’d have put in a picture of Crazy Gabe but I’d rather not immortalize him on my blog LOL picture Dr. Phil but shorter, darker and crazy jerry curl with a major receding hairline LOL)

13.  Fat bitches who wear clothes that are two sizes too small.  I’ve said it before – I’m not a little girl, but I don’t try to show off every roll either.  Just because it comes in “your size” doesn’t mean you should buy it, honey.

14.  People who cheat and try to say there’s nothing going on.  We all know there’s something going on, we truly don’t give a shit, and we think it makes you look like an ass when you try to deny it.