I am modest so I use the private changing rooms when getting dressed. There are some women who feel very comfortable walking around in various stages of undress. Not only are they naked, they don’t think twice about bending over to get into their lockers, or standing topless while blow-drying their hair.

In a place full of mirrors, seeing all this is difficult to avoid. I don’t want to stop using the locker room because it’s convenient. Is there anything I can do, or must I put up with the peep shows? — MISS MODESTY IN PRINCETON, N.J.

Miss Modesty – try Miss Prude.  Give me a break – have you not ever had a gym class in high school or gone to college where you had communal showers? Honey, you’re talking to the bitch who would face the windows in the classroom and rip off her shirt in the 6th grade while changing for gym class.  Get over yourself.  Are you so uptight and conservative that you’re afraid some 300 pound butch lesbian is going to maul you in front of everyone when she sees your uneven tits? Or do you think that someone’s just going to dive right into what I’m sure is your unshaven, jungle-like bush?  You’re working out in a gym for god’s sake – I’d be more concerned about contracting some communicable disease rather than seeing some tits and ass.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend is very sweet. The problem is, she wants to have sex with me. I don’t think I am ready for that. I also don’t know how to approach my parents about this. I really need some help — fast! — NOT READY IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Not Ready in PA – you are gay.

DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, “Giving up sex with you.” I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband’s life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? — LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

Dear Lost the Battle – allow me to stop laughing my ass off.  You must really, really suck in bed – and I don’t mean suck good, like you could suck start a Buick; I mean you must be like fucking a pile of dead rags, or a corpse, or a stuffed bear.  Because no man in his right mind who is getting any kind of decent, mildly wet, not stretched out so far it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, piece of ass is going to give it up for a fucking bottle of wine and not even a good one at that.

 “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” (Lucille Ball)  Dating younger men and fucking a lot helps too. (SJ Tavo)

 “You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.” (Rosalynn Carter)  And smart enough to swallow every time.  (SJ Tavo)

 “Follow your instincts – you never know if your ideas will work out unless you try them.” (Lulu Guinness).  This rule does not apply to using vegetables as impromptu dildo’s.  (SJ Tavo)

 “Love is the time and space where “I” give myself the right to be extraordinary.” (Julia Kristeva)  Love is the time and space where you have multiple orgasms which make you FEEL extraordinary. (SJ Tavo)

 “The five most essential words for a healthy and vital relationship are: “I apologize” and “You are right.” (Unknown)  I would like to add three more words vital to a relationship: “Fuck me NOW.”  (SJ Tavo)

 ”We need 4 hugs a day for survival.  We need 7 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” (Virginia Satir)  We need 2 orgasms a day for survival. We need 6 orgasms a day for maintenance. We need 25 orgasms a day if you want us to keep fucking you. (SJ Tavo)

 “People are like stained-glass windows.  They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” (Elizabeth Kubler-Ross)  People are assholes – sometimes you see it before you fuck them, sometimes you see it after you wake up the next morning and see the cocksucker laying next to you in the daylight. (SJ Tavo)

 “Work spares us from three evils: boredom, vice and need.” (Voltaire).  So does sex. (SJ Tavo)

 “The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” (Coco Chanel).  The most courageous act is to wear tight white slacks on Day 2 of your Niagra Falls-like gushing period.  (SJ Tavo)

Yes – I am officially a Puma – he loves it because he’s got a woman who’s a great cook, babies him as all men like to be babied and could suck-start a Buick, I love it because – well come on, a 35 year old woman who’s snagged a 27 year old hottie? Puh-Lease!  I promise to try to get back into the swing of things.  It’s difficult when I want to spend every night with Doug and only get four hours of sleep as a result.

Recall, my readers, my “If you want to date me” rules provided so lovingly by my shrink after my last long-term abusive chaotic warped mind-fucking relationship ended….

1. Be gainfully employed.
2. Have no criminal record or DUI(s)
3. Have a healthy, positive relationship with your family.
4. Have a college education
5. Pay your bills.
6. Not be abusive – verbally or physically.
7. Not have a drinking or drug problem.
8. Be supportive without being domineering, be loving and caring without being needy or suffocating.
9. Appreciate and encourage my career and interests.
10. Be great in bed.

I’ve been told by many men that “sometimes you just make mistakes” (DUI or criminal record). “The economy has really sucked, I just can’t find anything/make enough money” (be gainfully employed/pay your bills).  “I just can’t get close enough to you” (suffocating – as in glued to the side of my hip while sitting on the sofa or sleeping in bed).  Blah blah blah. Every excuse in the book for why they don’t meet all these criteria.  Do you want to know how many relationships of mine have worked with men who didn’t meet all of these criteria? Zip. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

But to all you naysayers who think my list is shit, I say every woman should use it as her bible.  Because when you find the guy who meets all of these criteria: Has a job and has always had a steady work history, is athletic but not manorexic, has a great sociable personality, no criminal record/DUI, have a great relationship with his parents and younger brothers, is college educated, pays his bills, is the most courteous and sweet man you’ve ever met, isn’t waking up at 3 p.m. every day to start his daily drunk, is not at all suffocating even when you’ve spent five of the last six evenings with him, admires your college education and career and is absolutely the best fuck you have ever had in your entire freaking life, is 6’4” and he’s only 27?? What??!  Screw the 8 year age gap and grab on with two hands – this is the guy for you!

Yes ladies, you can find him – it may take three years and random circumstances causing you to meet, but you will find that great guy and you will realize that he’s the reason you’ve held out and didn’t settle for the jerk who screwed you over all the time, or the guy who chewed his food like a girl or the guy who was completely psychotic.  And what’s more – as much as you like having your space and independence, it will not even dawn on you to say “No, I really need a night to myself” when he asks repeatedly to see you almost every night. Because you just can’t get enough of him.  You will want to see him as much as he wants to see you.  You will have a great balance of evenings alone with him as well as evenings out with all the gang.  And you’ll be really glad that he’s moving in with one of your best friends, a whopping two minutes from your house. And that he’s incredible in bed – did I mention that already?

 For now, a little positive note to all you ladies out there wishing you could find that one great guy – but where are you going to meet him? Online? Puh-lease – what a joke.  Church? Library? Hospital cafeteria as graciously advised by the Millionaire Matchmaker?  Fear not, my dear girls, for there is hope.  Take a lesson from my playbook and maybe you’ll land yourself that guy you never expected to meet, but thank the gods of fate that you did.

 It’s Friday – after having consumed a few Captain and Coke’s at the year-end corporate office party, call one of your male friends and see what’s going on tonight.  Love the fact that he happens to be at the same bar as your office party so make plans to meet up with Shaun and his friend Brian later that evening. Progress to leaving the office party, throwing on some jeans and meeting the guys at a bar to sip some Coke as you try to sober up – after all, it’s only 5:30 and you need to get your drink on!

 Now – some girls may feel that they should go down to their local haunt, see their girlfriend and have a quiet evening because that’s what they’re used to.  Have at it, but I took the road less traveled and followed these two shenanigans out to another bar because I was having too much fun giving them relationship advice.  Proceed to have the breath knocked out of you when that 6’4, dark-haired drink of water walks into the bar and sits on the other side of Brian. Say a prayer and ask Shaun if he knows him….”Doug! Man! When did you get here!?  This is my friend Mandy.”  Chit chat with this adorable specimen of a man and turn to Shaun and say “Tell me he’s single and straight.”  Laugh when Shaun says “Yes to both, but he’s in trouble, isn’t he? Go get him!”

 Now – keep in mind, we’ve only done the “how do you know Shaun” bit of chatting.  Have some confidence and take out one of your business cards and write your cell phone number on the back.  Shaun laughed when I did because “Mandy, you haven’t even talked to him yet.”  Yes, dear, that is true, but I also know when I see something I want, I go for it.  Casually chat with the guys for a bit and (you owe Brian a drink for this) be grateful when Brian tells you to trade him seats so he can talk to Shaun more easily.  Sidle up next to Doug and go in for the kill.  Keep the conversation easy, no third degree, joke about Olympic Curling, talk about sports and then hand him your card and say “I’m just going to give you this – I’d love to hear from you.”

 Laugh when he says “Wow – your number’s already on the back – when did you write it down?” and you respond “two hours ago the minute you walked in.”  He’ll be flattered you honed on him immediately and it shows a sign of confidence that I knew I wanted to get to know him better and made the “first move” of exchanging numbers. 

 Do you know what happens when you just take the bull by the horns, put yourself out there with a guy you don’t even know and take the chance?  You stay out til 1:30 talking to a great guy.  You get a guy that you go out with the following night, he will immediately add you to his Facebook friends because – well, you know, you do that when you’re genuinely interested in someone and want to have them involved in your life, and before that first date is even over, he will ask how soon he can see you again.  And thus, you end up going out again with a fantastic man, who, it turns out, has a personality just like yours, is a lot of fun, is absolutely the most adorable guy you have ever gone out with and is 8 ½ years younger than you.  Will you care? No – because age doesn’t matter and confidence does.

 So the next time you’re out and about and you see a guy to whom you are instantly attracted, don’t shy away or wait for him to make the first move. Go for it.  The worst that will happen is that he’ll reject your advances. The best that will happen is that you land an incredible guy with a great personality and a cute soccer ass.

I clicked off, left the room and stayed at a friend’s for the night. Please tell me, did I do the right thing and what do I do now? — BETRAYED IN TORONTO

Ok, after I stopped laughing my ass off at this, I laughed some more.  What should you do now?  Well, let’s see, you could call one of your friends and ask if they’d now like a turn at her.  You could fuck your roommate’s girlfriend. You could go fuck some other random girl.  You could tag-team the whore with your roommate and then throw her clothes out your window and lock her out of the room then take pictures of her streaking across the green picking her clothes out of the bushes. You could remain silent, pick her up for a date and drop her off in front of a brothel, telling her “I thought you’d like to move in, since you’re a WHORE.”  Or you could break up with her.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend recently moved in with me. We have a great relationship except that he is always slapping me on the bottom. He refers to it as “love taps.”

I have told him many times I regard it as degrading and frustrating. It stings and I hate it. I have told him 10 different times in 10 different ways, including getting so angry I screamed obscenities at him.  When we get into little arguments, he will say, “That’s it! You deserve a spanking for that!” and proceeds to hit me again. I know he thinks it’s cute, and he obviously gets some sort of enjoyment out of it, but I am at my wits’ end.

How can I get it through his head that his behavior is not only offensive, it is seriously harming our relationship by creating resentment? Does he just not care about my feelings, or does he not take me seriously when I tell him to knock it off? — SORE IN CALIFORNIA

Oh, come on honey, they’re just love taps! Why are you so uptight? The solution is simple – you’ve tried communicating that his love taps are getting on your nerves and that they cause fights.  So here’s what you do: the next time he gives you a little love tap because it’s just demonstrating how affectionate he is, love tap his nuts. Turn around and with a little upward swipe of your hand, love tap his nuts. Now, you love him, so don’t be too gentle – after all, you want him to “feel” how much you love him.  If he still doesn’t get the picture, knee him hard in the nuts, tell him that’s exactly how much you love him right now and pack up his shit and kick him out – if the prick can’t understand that his love taps hurt you, annoy you and are anything BUT a demonstration of love, then he can enjoy have his testicles sucked out of his scrotum because you’ve permanently lodged them there with your knee “love tap.”

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing “Hillary” for a little more than a year. We’re both in our late 20s and just starting our careers. We both live with our parents.

We’ve been having problems because I’m not willing to move in with her. I have told Hillary many times that there is no audition for marriage, but she’s convinced it would “bring us closer.” Many of the people I’ve worked with ended up splitting shortly after moving in together. Conversely, many of Hillary’s friends moved in with significant others and were married shortly after.  I admit, I’d like to take things slow (call me old-fashioned), but Hillary doesn’t know if she can wait until I feel ready to take this step or propose.

We acknowledge that we love each other. Our parents are not exactly rooting for us, so we’re taking another break from things. I suggested that we both find our own places for the time being. Hillary has never lived by herself. We don’t know what to do, and I’d like some advice from someone who doesn’t have a stake in this. — AT A CROSSROADS IN ILLINOIS

Ok – let’s first visit the fact that you’re both in your late 20s and still live with your parents. Grow up and move out. It’s called adulthood. I mean Christ – where do you guys fuck??  What kind of sex life do you have if you’re boning your girlfriend down the hall from her parents’ bedroom?  Have you not even had shower sex because your little sister needed to use the bathroom? Fucking losers.

Plus, NO ONE should go from living with their parents to living with someone else.  Everyone should live alone – it teaches you fiscal responsibility, independence and identity – plus you both need to have your own space and grow the fuck up, which you’ve clearly not done yet because you’re too busy sucking on your mother’s titties and living at home with mommy.

How’s this for an idea? YOU move out of your parents’ house and get your own place.  Do NOT give your girlfriend a key because, after all, you’re on a break.  Then discover how great it is to order pizza whenever you want, leave Christmas lights up until March and the joy of recycling cases of beer bottles because your Mom’s not there to bitch at you for drinking so much.  Welcome to manhood, pussy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and live most of the year on my college campus. I’m on a full scholarship, so my parents are not paying my tuition. Most of my mail — bank statements, etc. — still goes to my parents’ house since I don’t have a permanent address.

For the last two years, my mother has opened my bank statement and read the entire thing. She then calls me and goes through all of my card charges and checks, and asks me to explain where I was and what I bought.

I have tried telling her that I am an adult and that what I buy is my business, but she continues to do this every month. When I explained that I am capable of managing my own finances, she told me she was just worried about me and that “a mother ALWAYS has the right to worry about her only child.”

I understand she will always be concerned about my well-being, financial and otherwise, but this is taking it too far. How can I explain to her that it’s not OK to invade my privacy? I know she means well, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it’s really becoming a hassle. — COLLEGE CO-ED IN WILLIAMSBURG, VA.

This is an easy one – because clearly you’re too fucking stupid to get your own PO Box – order sex toy catalogs and have them sent to your parents’ house.  They all come encased in an envelope so your mother will open it.  Subscribe to every nasty catalog you can find. Then get a subscription to a lesbian porno magazine and have it sent to the house as well. Finally, forge yourself a pay stub from “Howie’s Big-Boob-A-Rama” and “Ricky’s Naked Co-eds” and mail it to the house.  I have no doubt your mother will call you on those.  Then you can explain “I’ve tried to tell you I’m an adult and to stop opening my mail. I’d love to explain all of the mail to you, but I’m late for a photo shoot with Ricky.”

Then start having all your mail sent to a PO Box, you ignorant moron.

WHAT?!

What the hell is wrong with you guys? How would YOU feel if someone never talked to you or stayed in touch and then said, “Hey – why don’t you come over tomorrow and spend the night and we’ll get naked.”  Or “Hey – I’m horny – what can you do about that?”

Ok – wait – I forgot, I’m talking about men.  You guys don’t care; if it’s a chance at pussy, you’ll take it.  Well, allow me to explain why chicks who have any bit of self-respect will be turning you down.

We require attention.  I don’t mean 100 texts an hour attention, but you need to stay in touch with us if you so desire access to the pussy.  Save your excuses.  I don’t care if you’re stressed, working, watching a child, at a concert, skiing in Aspen or shoveling your driveway – make the fucking time.  I work 12 to 14 hour days. I work so much it takes me two weeks to get to the grocery store because I just can’t bring myself to stop and buy food.  But you know what? In between putting out a 10K, meeting with members of the Treasury department, working on the earnings release and dealing with Ernst & Young, I manage to text the people who are important to me.  Do you know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. 

If a woman doesn’t feel like she’s an important component of your life, and FYI, not texting/emailing/calling for weeks on end pretty much tells her she’s not, then she’s not going to welcome you at the “Y” when you get a hankering for a dip.

Now let’s say you are good at texting regularly.  Congratulations. You’re halfway there.  If you 90% of your texts are asking for ass, you’re out.  If 90% of your texts are drunk texts, you’re out. It’s not enough to pay attention to us, it’s paying PROPER attention to us.  It’s asking us how our day is, how our family is, how our stubbed toe is. As much as we love fucking you, we’d love knowing that you’re interested in all of us and not just our mouths and pussies.

So let’s say not only are you good at texting, but you’re also good at paying attention to all the components of our life, not just our orifices.  You’re almost there! The clincher? GOING OUT WITH US.  Having a sleepover twice a month is not going out with us.  Stopping at our house for two hours, during which you eat, watch tv, fuck us and take a bottle of water, is not going out with us.  We like to go out – it doesn’t mean we need to be wined and dined, but we want to go out. In public. Where people will see us together.

We want you to be proud to go out with us and not hide the fact that you want to fuck us from your ex-girlfriend or friends or family. We want you to spend the night with us after you fuck us – which needs to last more than 15 minutes by the way. We want you to kiss us and touch us in the bar, to make sure everyone knows we’re there together, and we want you to kiss us as you fuck us and hold us after you fuck us.

We’d also like to have nights in with you – make some dinner, watch some TV, fuck and fall asleep together.  Save your excuses – you have kids, work in different towns, get up at different times, blah blah blah.  We want to spend the night with you, moron.  It tells us you LIKE having us with you for more than a four hour period, that you’re not ashamed for the neighbors to see someone has spent the night, etc….

Oh – and if you love us, TELL US.  What are you afraid of? Please spare me the “I’ve been hurt before,” “It’s too soon after my last relationship ended,” “I just want to have fun” bullshit.  What are you waiting for? Suck it up – relationships start and end all the time.  Man up and grab life by the balls and if you’re in love with a woman, tell her, show her, make passionate love to her, appreciate her and enjoy life with her – maybe some of the stress and bullshit in your life will be alleviated because you finally have something positive in your life.

Is any of this sinking in? By all means, ladies, chime in if I’ve gotten any of this wrong.  I don’t know why this is so hard for men to understand.

            Arizona: it’s illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.

            Arkansas: anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it’s all used up.

            California: it is illegal to cry on the witness stand in L.A. courts.

            California: it is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.

            Colorado: a pet cat, if loose, must have a tail-light.

            Georgia: it’s illegal to fart at the state fair.

            Hawaii: it’s illegal to have pennies in your ears.

            Idaho: no frowning in public.

            Missouri: drunkenness is considered an “inalienable right.”

            New York: a $25 fine can be levied for flirting.

I think you get the picture.  Reviewing stupid-ass laws such as these makes me want to propose some of my own…

It should be illegal to use a public restroom and not wash your hands. You are wiping your cootch, holding your dick or wiping your ass – to not wash your hands is absolutely disgusting, you gross fuckers.

 It should be illegal to puke in a bar because you’ve had too much to drink.  Nothing makes everyone else NOT want to drink like the sweet odor of vomit.

 It should be illegal for women to wear spandex with granny panties. For that matter, all panty lines should be outlawed.

 It should be illegal for people to not wear adequate deodorant on a daily basis. That goes for showering daily, too.

 It should be illegal for people to leave pictures of their ex’s on their social networking pages.  We hated the cunt when you were dating her, we don’t want to keep seeing pictures of her when we visit your page.

 It should be illegal for men to wear more than two rings on their hands – and yes, that’s 2 rings for every 10 fingers. A man wearing seven rings had better be in a strapless beaded gown and stilletto’s because that’s just gay!

 It should be illegal for strippers who have lost at least 30 pounds to deny that they lost it do it coke.  We all know you’re cokeheads, it’s ok, Jesus loves you.

 It should be illegal for ugly people to procreate.

 It should be illegal for 45 year old women to dress like 25 year old women.  You look like idiots – stop doing it.

 It should be illegal for women to cut off their bangs.

 It should be illegal to have more cats in your home than human members of a household.

 It should be illegal for Notre Dame to lose a football game. Maybe that would keep that school from hiring jackass, weeble-wobble coaches like Charlie Weis and actually have a winning season. Damn Catholics.

 It should be illegal for a guy’s arms to get so bulked up that they won’t rest easily at their side. You just look weird, are not nearly as sexy as He-Man and it just gives me the heebie-jeebies.

 It should be illegal to have a unibrow.

 It should be illegal to be an annoying drunk. Because I never get annoying when I’m drunk – I get happy, pissed, cry, sing, dance, fight, talk about sex quite loudly and sleep with the wrong men, but I never get annoying when I’m drunk.

 Thank you – have a nice day. LOL