Yes he actually wrote this as his resume….

 I completed all twelve years of grade school and two years of a trade school for precision machining technology in 2006. I received my diploma from cloverleaf high school in Lodi Ohio, and a certificate of competency from Medina county career center in Medina Ohio,. I received a osha certification and am trained in cnc/cad milling, drilling and milling, engine lathes, precision metal cutting, grinding machines. I also took a sixty hour course for welding on and two skills in 2008 and received a certificate of  completion and i am certified in mig welding.

 After school i worked as a lube tech at a midas auto repair shop in 2007 for six months and was able to learn hands on as i worked from a master ase certified tech. I then worked at a privet owned shop named wilsons garage for four years and continued to learn from another master ase certified tech.

 I am a self motivated and hands on independent worker. I learn new concepts quickly and will put 110% into what ever i am faced with. I believe in giving respect and getting respect and have no problem respecting the work place.  I fallow projects through completion and enjoy working and giving the chance i would like to show that i am willing to do my best at what ever gets put in front of me.

                                                 thank you for your time

  it’s a shame she was only at 95%, we were hoping for 98%….

SKILLS: Punctual, Highly motivated, Self Starter with the ability to multi-task, Strong Communication skills, Energetic, Acreative problem solver who rapidly adapts to changing demands, Handling customer complaints professionally with 95% satisfaction, Work well independly

[NOTE TO SELF - Spellcheck is EVERYONE'S friend]

Another winner…..

EDUCATION

High School or equivalent, General Studies,

September 2006 – August 2009

 Field High School | Brimfield, OH

 I studied Spanish for two years, took an extra art class, took advanced PE and took advanced Bio. I graduated with a 3.0 and earned an academic letter my junior year. I Graduated in the top half of my class, never missed a day of school my senior year. I played baseball and football for my school. I got along with all my classmates and never caused any trouble with my classmates or teachers.

 so……….you were a jock and took advanced gym class? and since you were smarter than 50% of your classmates, you earned an “academic letter” [which I've never heard of] with a GPA of 3.0…..and good job on not being a troublemaker! WHAT?!?!?!

BEING FRIENDLY ISN’T A SKILL!!!!!!

 Skills

Friendly, Punctual, Organized.

 Answering Phones and Filing

 Word, Excel, Access, PowerPoint, Outlook, Sherware and QuickBooks.

 I am a Notary

 What an opening line….

 I am currently in the process of obtaining my GED. I am a certified forklift operator, with a great work ethic and great values, I believe if you take a chance on me you will not be disappointed.

Amazing…..

 Objectives

retail/ all openings

 Skills

I am reliable, I can run a cash register, I am very good with people, I also do well in stressful situations.

 Education

2005 canton city even start in canton Ohio GED completed.

 Work Experience

 2006 assistant manger at gas and oil from June of 2005 to January of 2006

 Best in Plastic I worked from March 2006 till august

 2008 precious little lamb’s day care from May till

 June. Then I went to fresh mark from June-September.

 2009 Suarez corp. worked from September till the end of December.

 2010 In home day care from December and still do this at this time.

 Volunteer experience I have served food at the Greek festival I also start school the end of august

 Gaps in Employment

 I have had gaps in my employment history do to my having children with special need however I have a in home baby sitter and I am able to handle either full time or part time work. If you need me to explain I will with no problem .

[you had me at Greek Festival....]

Another solid resume…

 OBJECTIVE

 TO KEEP MY GOALS CLOSE AND NEVER LETTING MY ENVIRONMENT ILLUSTRATE THE PERSON THAT I AM. BY BUILDING A BETTER LIFE FOR MY FAMILY I’LL BECOME A ROLE MODEL FOR CHILD AND A BETTER PERSON.

 SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS

I HAVE WORKED IN VARIOUS FIELDS OF CUSTOMER SERVICE. MY GOAL IS TO

RECEIVE A DEGREE IN FASHION MERCHANDISING. BUT IN THE TIME BEING I AM

WEIGHING OUT MY OPTIONS TO RAISE MY DAUGHTER. I LOVE WORKING WITH PEOPLE. IT IS ALWAYS NICE TO BE IN A ENVIROMENT WHERE ITS POSSIBLE TO DO SO.

Yes, I actually just received this email…

 Hi,

Im-replying-to-your-light-packaging-ad-from-craigslist.

I-was-just-wondering-what-kind-of-work-it-is?

 Thanks-for-your-reply

  (I-apoligize-for-the-dashes-my-spacebar-doesnt-work.)

See what I mean?  Floodgates of random thoughts.  Welcome to my head.

So I’m sitting here, a smidge irritated with work for 1,001 reasons and then I get a text from my husband that just makes me smile and I realize that I’m so thankful for the life I have today – that as much fun as I may have had in my life past, my life now is incredibly freaking superfragilisticexpealidocious awesome.

Case in point:

I’m educated with three degrees and can formulate a sentence without breaking at least six English grammar rules.

When I look in the mirror and see a fat roll being accentuated by my shirt, I promptly change my shirt since the general public should not be subjected to my fat roll and neither should my husband.

I have a J-O-B and when I check out at Giant Eagle on the 1^st day of the Month with my five snotty kids under the age of 6 and two without shoes on, I know that I’m paying for my groceries with money I’ve earned, not the money the five people behind me earned.  Just sayin.’

I don’t have five snotty kids – you know why? I use birth control.

My mother-in-law does not drive me crazy.  Neither does my father-in-law. Nor my brothers-in-law.  In fact, I love my in-laws.  Thank you Jesus.

I don’t own jeggings. [actual photo I took outside our local Big Lots store].

I’ve never been to jail – so I don’t have to worry about carrying jail cooties with me for the rest of my life.

I don’t watch The Jersey Shore – I like myself too much.

I don’t live in a trailer park – I think that has to be so depressing. They never have fun names either like “Sunnydale Trailer Park” or “Sunshine Trailers.”  It’s always something like “Desolate End of the Road Trailerville” or something like that.

I have one vehicle, with four tires, that works and is parked in my garage.

I have a husband who humors my absurd obsession with Glee.

I’m not ugly and I have a nice rack.

I know my ABC’s and 123’s and don’t have to use my fingers or toes to recite them.

I don’t have a crazy crackhead cousin who squeezed his girlfriend’s puppy to death during an argument. [true story].

I don’t get into bar fights – nor do I go to bars where bar fights are common occurrences.

I’m 36 married to a 28 year old.  Need I say more?

 And don’t jump on your high-horse – these are publicly available resumes….I have an inside source who is providing these and all names have been removed. Although “Shit for Brains” and “Dumbass” could apply….

 Stupid Example #1:

Summary:

I’m a very hard worker and I take pride in everything I do. I do everything to the

best of my ability, not only for myself, but for my employers, employees and any

customer I may have. I am always up for new experiences and learning as I go.

My goal is to find a career that I will love.

 Experiences:

I have several years experience in child care. I have been watching and taking care of children since I was 13 years old. Now that I’m a mother, that just added to my experience. I also have over 5 years experience in Telemarketing and customer service. I’ve also done Packing and Assembly work. I’m looking for something new to increase my experiences.

Education:

William M. Davies Career and Technical High School: 1992-1996

While attending and doing my regular work, I took Culinary Arts for the 4 years I was there. Although, I did not pursue this as a career after high school, I enjoyed learning all aspects of the Culinary world.

Interests:

I absolutely love spending time with my children, family and friends. I take pride on how blessed I am to have them all in my life. I also enjoy reading, it keeps the mind going. Listening to music is one of my joys as well, it helps keep the mind at ease and is very relaxing. I like to stay busy from keeping from being bored. I love doing activities with my kids and being creative. That quality time alone, enjoying precious time while having fun. It creates memories in which I hold dear in my heart.

Work History:

 OKS Ameridial Inc.

Telemarketer

(330) 868-2000

102 Market St.

Minerva,OH. 44657

From: 04/05/2005 – To: 05/12/2010

Duties:

It was my job to recruit new and prior volunteers to raise awareness in their community to send out educational letters for different charitable organizations. Just to name a few: March of Dimes, American Cancer Society, Leukemia and Lymphoma, Disabled Veterans Of America, etc. The letters explain the need to raise awareness and how important it is to get the word out there on these very serious diseases and disabilities. These letters also ask if they could make a small charitable donation. If they are not willing to help in distributing these letters, we ask them if they are willing to make a charitable donation of their own. This was a very rewarding job. It opened my eyes to what is in need out there and how important it is help those in need. It was also very educational and I learned a lot.

Lori and Jim

Babysitting

106 ABC Street

Stupidville, CA 12345

From: 03/2000 -To: 02/2002

Duties:

I babysat their two handsome little boys. At the start of this job, the boys were 5 months old and 4 years old. I watched them Monday through Friday from 8am- 5pm. I fed them breakfast and lunch and also provided snacks. I did a lot of activities with them and taught them educational things. The 4year old attended school 3 days a week, so I took him to the bus stop and also picked him up from the bus stop. I helped him with his homework as well. I absoutely loved this job. Children are a blessing to begin with, and to have the opportunity to watch another persons child, it was very rewarding.

Acfn (AFFA Inc.)

Appointment Setter-Telemarketer

(408) 351-5100

96 N. 3rd St. #600

San Jose,CA. 95112

From: 08/1998 – To: 01/1999

Duties:

I took incoming calls from Kirby Vacuum customers and set appointments for them to have their carpets cleaned.

City Personnel Employment Agency (Chadwicks)

Sorter,Price tagger,Packer

(401) 331-2311

170 Broadway

Providence,RI. 02903

Duties:

I had to sort out clothes, men, women and children. I had to sort them by size then price tag them. After that, I had to pack them up and get them ready for the shipping and receiving department. 

My accomplishments:

Everything I have done in my life, made me a stronger person. I have learned a lot over the years, whether it be from life experiences, jobs, and or people I have met throughout the years. I have encountered a lot of road blocks, but learned to continue on my journey to live a life of new experiences and challenges. I welcome them with open arms. Over the years, I also learned not to take anything or anyone for granted. We only have one life, take it one day at a time and live your life to the fullest

Stupid Example #2:

Work Experience

 Customer Service Rep

 2/2010 – 7/2010 Ameridial Inc., Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I handle inbound calls for an insurance company explain benefits and help customer regarding rejections on their claims, I also work for the pharmacy department handling pharmacy rejects issuing authorization for prescriptions for rejected claims.

 CSR/ TSR

 12/2008 – 5/2009 Arthur Middleton, North Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I handle inbound sales calls for various products, as well as handle outbound sales calls to existing customers.

 Homemaker

 9/2006 – 5/2008 Homemaker, Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I had some personal reason to handle at that time; I was going thru a divorce at that time.

 Package Handler

 7/2006 – 9/2006 Fed EX Ground #441, Richfield, Ohio

 ▪    I scanned and loaded package on a delivery truck.

 Interviewer

 3/2003 – 7/2006 Center For Policy Studies (Akron University), Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I conducted surveys over the phone and enter in responses verbatim.

 General Labor

 2/2006 – 3/2006 Snider and Blake (Step 2), Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I trimmed and assembled toys and other plastic household items. This was only a temporary position

 Assistant Manger

 10/2003 – 6/2004 Original Cookie CO. Mrs. Fields, Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I was responsible for many things such as handling customers concerns, and orders. I baked cookies and decorated them to the customers’ orders. I deposited the nightly bank drops. I work most of the time by myself. I helped to increase sales by 50% in this location. I was there until this location was closed by the company.

 Homemaker

 9/2000 – 2/2003 Homemaker, Akron, Ohio

 ▪    I had complication due to childbirth of my child.

 Associate

 7/2000 – 9/2000 BP Gas station, Fairlawn, Ohio

 ▪    I was responsible for helping customers with gas if disabled and to take inventory of the merchandise at the end of each shift as well as stock shelves.

 Telemarketer

 6/1998 – 8/2000 Civic Development Group (CDG), Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I sold long distance plans, cell phones, and did various fundraising projects across the United States over the telephone. In doing this, I developed strong customer’s services skills because of the vast number of people I contacted each day.

 Appointment Setter

 6/1999 – 8/2000 Western Olympic Financial Group, Canton, Ohio

 ▪    I set appointments over the telephone for loan officer regarding potential leads for mortgages

 Education

 8/2008 – 8/2010 Brown Mackie North Canton, North Canton , Ohio

 ▪    Some College Coursework Completed

 ▪    The area of study was accounting. I did not finish this degree because of a lack of accreditations. I also proficient in MS word, excel PowerPoint, access, one note, outlook, and publisher and Quick books.

 11/2008 – 11/2008 HR Block Tax Class, Canton , Ohio

 ▪    Some High School Coursework

 ▪    I learned the tax process, laws and theories in preparing tax returns in different situations

  Skills

Adobe, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, Microsoft Access, Microsoft Outlook, Power Point, Printer, copier , fax machine Quick Books, Typing 40WPM, I am able to multitask.

Me neither! I know I’ve been neglectful as I have transformed myself from using men and independent chick to falling madly in love and domesticating my horny ass into a wife, but I’m bound and determined to get back into my writing – something’s gotta be an outlet for the ridiculousness that is life! I’ll try to spare you from the sap that is my marriage since I really have no complaints because my husband is God’s gift to me in every way LOL (gag) but I have a new source of some fun material so I’ll kick something off later this morning.

Yes – can you believe it? I’m married! J For all the losers and idiots I met and dated and got to know, I finally found a non-idiot, sweetheart of a man and couldn’t be any happier if I tried!  Patience and a little faith will find the perfect partner for each of us.  And for those of you wasting your time with the lying, defensive, “over-protective”, psycho, domineering, jackass, unemployable, whining, blaming sacks of shit, I tell you to cut them out of your life, enjoy some single time and then when you’re good and ready, you’ll meet that man of your dreams and fall madly in love – because if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone!

So, having shipped my wedding dress off to California to be made into an heirloom quilt and sit and plan the decorating for our future kids’ rooms, let’s take a moment and shake our heads and chat about the Dear Abby Idiots of the world!!

DEAR ABBY: I’m 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

My husband, “Todd,” is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week. I’m exhausted and can’t do it anymore!

My best friend, “Mavis,” has been a widow for five years. She tells me she’s going crazy because she hasn’t had sex in all this time. She asked if I’d share Todd just one night a week. Mavis isn’t pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I’m ready to agree, but I haven’t mentioned it to Todd.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement? — NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX

Dear Needs a Break – you’re a fucking idiot.  You have a guy who wants to sleep with your aging 53 year old droopy ass, and you claim to be tired after working not even a full day at an office? Does all that A/C just suck the life out of you every day? Maybe it’s the sitting in a chair emailing your girlfriend the latest joke that really wears you out.  So instead of getting off your duff and awakening your sexuality, you want to pass your husband, the man  you supposedly love and adore and pledged your life to, on to your so-so girlfriend who can’t get any.  Get her a vibrator and fuck your husband.  Idiot.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a woman in my mid-40s. Over the years I have diligently exercised, eaten right and taken good care of my skin. I keep my hairstyle and clothing up-to-date.

I am constantly taken to be much younger than I am. While some of my peers may be jealous of this “problem,” I find it extremely annoying. It’s especially bothersome in a business situation when someone my age or slightly older treats me as though he/she could be my parent.

I am not inclined to broadcast my age. Is there a professional way to deal with their condescending attitude? — LOOKS YOUNGER, BUT ISN’T

Dear Looks Younger – you’re a bitch.  Fuck you and boo hoo.

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my boyfriend, “Doug,” gave me a promise ring. I was proud and happy to show it to everyone. But Doug’s parents, siblings and his three children don’t know he has given me the ring.

It feels odd that he’s keeping this milestone of our relationship a secret. He says it’s because he’s a private person and doesn’t tell his family about his personal life. What do you think about this? — SECRETLY PROMISED IN PORTLAND, MAINE

Dear Secretly Promised – what are you, 12? A fucking promise ring and he has three kids???  Ok, let me back up a moment.  Let’s say he had the kids young so at best he’s like 30. Oh God – who am I kidding.  Unless you’re a minor, giving someone a promise ring is just about the cheesiest thing you can do.  And gee – he can’t even tell his parents or kids that he’s promised to promise to marry you? And you’re still dating him.  Things are starting to make sense here……

Since I am presently in the throes of planning my delightfully small, intimate May wedding with the Dougster, and loving every minute of it, I thought I’d find some of our wonderfully inept Americans who are writing Dear Abby for wedding advice. And I managed to find some doozies. Here comes the bride….as dimwitted as ever!

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man. Our wedding day was going perfectly and I had all the family I loved around me – including my divorced grandparents. My grandfather has remarried, but still had a lot of unfinished legal business with Grandma that needed settling. Grandpa thought my wedding reception would be a good place to do it and served her with court papers there. I was so upset that he would do this on my special day, I have stopped talking to him. He dropped by my mom’s one day and I ignored him. He told me if I wanted to “divorce” him as my grandfather I could, but that he wasn’t wrong and wouldn’t apologize for it. Please tell me what you think. Am I wrong for expecting him to apologize to me for what he did? – New Iowa Bride Dear New Iowa Bride – I think Iowa says it all. What a nice, redneck, ass-backwards family you have. Let’s start with your grandparents getting divorced – Christ – at their age, what’s the freaking point? They clearly have no tact if Grandpa thought it’d be ok to serve Granny with some court papers for their legal feud at your reception….tell me, did you have karaoke at your reception too? Classy family hon. DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I became engaged. We are trying to decide whether to have a large wedding or elope. This is my second marriage and his first. My first wedding was held in the town where I lived, 2,000 miles from my parents’ home. It was very expensive, and my parents paid for everything. They told me they will not pay for this wedding unless it is held in the town where they now live. It’s halfway across the country from where my boyfriend and I reside. Neither of us has friends there, but my mother’s relatives live within driving distance. (These family members missed my first wedding because they could not afford to travel.) Abby, my boyfriend’s parents don’t want to go that far for a wedding, and I think his mother is hoping we will marry in her Catholic church. I suspect my boyfriend wants to be married in their hometown and in the church, but he doesn’t want to ask his parents to help pay for the wedding. I feel bad because traditionally the bride’s parents pay for the wedding. My mother is putting pressure on me because they spent a lot of money on my first wedding and her family wasn’t able to attend. My boyfriend and I cannot afford to pay for a wedding, so we have considered eloping or having a small wedding where we live with only family and close friends attending. We could then have two receptions, one here, and one in my parents’ area. My parents might pay for a reception there. Abby, is this a proper solution, or will people think we are cheap? And will this offend either set of parents? I’m willing to go with the flow, but I’m not sure in which direction it is flowing. — UNHAPPY WEDDING PLANNER Dear Unhappy Stupid Twit Wedding Planner – let’s start with….it’s your fucking day! Do whatever you want! Let’s second that with, hey spoiled bitch – mommy and daddy already paid for one wedding and clearly that marriage crashed and burned, so now you expect them to pay for another? Wake up! Parents shouldn’t pay for you to do it a second time around – save your money and pay for it your damn self! It is not appropriate to have a large wedding and invite all the same people who came to your first one. Your fiancé should understand that. In addition, let’s get back to two receptions. I don’t think so. Your family could have you come home and host an open house so that family and friends could meet your new husband, but a full reception? I don’t think so. It’s called wedding etiquette – look it up. Dear Abby: My husband and I have been invited to the wedding of some casual friends, “Ron” and “Barbie.” We sent in our RSVP accepting the invitation, but already we’re dreading the day. You see, a few weeks after we mailed it, we had dinner with them. During the dinner, Ron and Barbie blatantly informed us that they had registered for expensive shower items (I had attended the shower) so they could return the gifts for cash. During the conversation, I mentioned I’d had my eye on a pricey vacuum cleaner I had seen advertised on TV. Barbie turned to her fiance and said, “Honey, we should have registered for that so we could return it for the cash!” I was floored. So was my husband, though neither of us said a word until we were well on our way home and away from the “happy couple.” If that wasn’t enough, they were complaining about some blue towels they had received that they had not registered for. Barbie said they hated them and had returned them. Want to guess what my shower gift was? The blue towels, of course. I couldn’t believe she was saying this to us! My husband was so disgusted he quietly excused himself from attending the bachelor party. Now he no longer even wants to go to the wedding — let alone give them another gift. He says they make him sick. But we already sent in the card saying that we’ll be attending. I agree with my husband on this. The only thing holding us back is the etiquette issue of being a “no-show.” Otherwise, I couldn’t give a rip about those people. What to do? — Speechless in Michigan Dear Speechless – grow a spine. That bitch just complained about receiving some blue towels that she promptly returned, with no regard to your feelings, and you give a fuck about being a no-show? Hell honey, if I were you, I’d call everyone else you know who was going to the wedding, tell them what you know and give them a couple tables full of no-shows! Fuck ‘em!

When you send him a rant of an email about how you don’t see any point in paying for a wedding when it’s your second, you don’t want a lot of people there that you can both barely stand, you don’t want to have a cheap, cheesy wedding either….and he realizes how stressed you are, he agrees to elope.  Whatever keeps you happy and sane.

He then agrees to a small, intimate 7 minute civil ceremony with a brunch following, with 20 of your closest friends and relatives in three months rather than 8 months, and then says “Geez– a month ago we weren’t engaged, now we’re getting married in a couple months – heck yea I love you!” with a big grin on his face and his mother laughing on the phone.

When you email your Dad to tell him to expect a call from your boyfriend, who’s thankful he’s in Savannah with his guns, your Dad says “okey dokey – I promise I’ll be nice” to which you respond “oh no, be a smartass and make him sweat it out – it’s more fun like that.”  And your boyfriend just says “thanks.”

When you look at the last year of your life, you realize you’ve met the most amazing man who loves and adores you, makes you laugh, is proud to be with you, is determined to succeed in all he does and provide a life with you, plus rocks your world, bought a deep freeze, a ¼ of cow with you, a king-sized bed, loves your bitch of a cat AND a guy your family adores and his family thinks of you as their own….you realize you’ve hit the jackpot and can’t wait to change your name and become his wife.

oh what a difference a year makes!

On the 1st day of Christmas:  Decide that THIS year, you’re going to have an easy-going Christmas season and will not over-do it.

On the 2^nd day of Christmas:  After talking to your partner, realize you’re going to have the craziest Christmas you’ve even endured as you try to fit two families, two visiting aunts, a baby shower, friends’ houses, a Stagg Bowl weekend and hanging Christmas lights all over the house into your holiday season.  Shit.

On the 3^rd day of Christmas: Wonder if you have enough laxatives to get through this holiday season.  Thank god that at least your respective families don’t seem to give a shit if you eat or not because that just means more food for the rest of them.

On the 4^th day of Christmas: Volunteer at the Light Up Downtown festivities in your city and then wonder how in the hell that happened  because your idea of a fun Thursday night is not freezing your ass off in a building lobby handing out candy canes to the community’s destitute and homeless, complete with the skank ass bitch screaming “GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY” to her 3 year old toddler on the other side of the revolving door.  TWICE.  While a local high school choir was singing Silent Night.  Really.

On the 5^th day of Christmas: You’re kind of tired of the naked guys hanging ornaments, snowmen fucking each other, dildo Christmas light text messages you’re getting from people.

On the 6^th day of Christmas: Is it too late to go somewhere South and warm and away from everyone but a margarita for Christmas?

On the 7^th day of Christmas: Pass the local WalMart on your way home and thank God you don’t have to go to that place.  Hang your head in defeat when your partner comes home and asks to go to WalMart for some random thing he needs for some random purpose and WalMart is the only place that has it.  *sigh*  This is love.

On the 8^th day of Christmas: Try to explain the Christmas Day schedule one more time to your mother because she wants you all day long and seems to forget that you do actually live with someone else and you need to split the time evenly among your respective families.  Your mother doesn’t care, she wants her daughter home 24/7 this Christmas season.  Remind her you only live 7 minutes from her house. You’re ALWAYS home.

On the 9^th day of Christmas: Get suddenly sucked into a trip to Las Vegas for an Accounting seminar – because flying across the fucking country for a not-even-two-day-seminar during the holiday fucking season isn’t at all convenient.  Bastards.

On the 10^th day of Christmas: Finish all of your Christmas shopping – you rock!!!! 

On the 11^th day of Christmas: Remember that you still have to buy for two more people, and then have your mother drop off three Christmas ornaments she made for some friends of yours, people you already bought presents for, and then try to figure out if you can re-gift some of the already-purchased gifts.  Try to justify said re-gifting to your partner.  Do not laugh when he sends you: “ That would be fine.  Wait….maybe we should give them to Chris [his brother]…he has a family with kids…and kids love to read…but never have anywhere good to put their crap.  Nah…that’s a stupid idea too.  Oh! We could give them to the boyscouts and they could use them as tents!  You think that’s stupid too? Tough crowd.  Why don’t we just keep them for Isis [the cat].  She loves crap to lay in.  Perfect!  Merry Christmas cat!  Or how about we put all their names on it and just let em fight it out.”

On the 12^th day of Christmas: Make 6 different types of cookies for your partner.  Do this with love.  And 8 hours of your day.  And a terrible backache.  And five containers of fucking cookies for the 2 of you. Then tell him that next year, he’ll be lucky to get fucking cutouts.

On the 13^th day of Christmas: You’ve actually sent out all of your  Christmas cards.  Congratulate yourself with a bottle of your favorite Shiraz. Curse your sister’s friend’s cousin you met three years ago who sends you a card which requires  you to go out and buy a pack of 10 cards so you can reciprocate because you know at least one other random person will be sending you a card as well.

On the 14^th day of Christmas: Realize your cousin sent your parents a Christmas Card, but you received nothing.  What the fuck is that all about? You’re the one who talks to her and emails her all the time!

On the 15^th day of Christmas: It’s snowing.  Again.  Remind your partner that he agreed when he moved in to shovel the driveway because, according to him, it’s stupid to pay a guy to plow.  Remind him shoveling snow actually involves being outside and moving the snow off the driveway.

On the 16^th day of Christmas:  You’ve returned from your first Stagg Bowl in Virginia – barely.  Your body hurts, your head hurts, your ass hurts and you realize you’ve driven 14 hours, drank 72 beers and had a few shots of Tequila while dancing and singing the Pee Wee Herman song for 3 days.  You’re too old for this shit.

On the 17^th day of Christmas: Recall that it was around this time you were dating some crazy ass dude.  Look at your partner and thank God for him, then laugh as you hope that 2011 is a year when you DON’T have to pull out your own catheter because some nasty piece of shit gives you such a bad yeast infection and bladder infection from his toxic body fluids that your bladder shuts down. Refer to http://womenswit.net/2010/01/21/crazy-gabes-crazy-texts/ if you don’t believe me. LOL

On the 18^th day of Christmas: Get a text from your former neighbor, thanking you for the card and picture and ornament from your mother and asking when the wedding is.  Realize that this is the first of about 20 more times you’re going to be asked about wedding plans. Ugh.

On the 19^th day of Christmas: Talk to your boyfriend over the phone about stocking stuffers.  Inform him that no, if he wants something to go in your stocking, he has to bring it over Christmas Eve night because Christmas morning, your Mom doesn’t allow anyone near the stockings until it’s time to open them.  Calm your boyfriend down about bringing his childhood stocking that his mother made him over to your mother’s house and tell him to just tell his Mom to keep it and fill it and we’ll use a spare for your partner.  Remain speechless when your partner says “wow, so you guys have brought home enough random people that there are spare stockings?”  ……ahem….

On the 20^th day of Christmas: Laugh when your partner calls you about your Christmas Eve/Christmas Day/day after, after after, after after after schedules.  Tell him that you’ll go over the calendar tonight because you have already had to put hourly appointments in your google calendar to keep all this shit straight.  When he asks about dinner, tell him the Chipotle across from our neighborhood is now open – bon appétit.

On the 21^st day of Christmas:  Resist the urge to shoot yourself.

On the 22^nd day of Christmas: Realize you’ve barely listened to Christmas Carols this year – why? Because you got so fucking tired of Mariah Carey and her fucking “All I want for Christmas” song last year that you’re STILL not over it!

On the 23^rd day of Christmas: Realize you have to go Church tomorrow which means dressing up which you never do over the holidays and spend an evening putting on every piece of clothing you own to come up with a conservative yet not frumpy outfit to wear to church with your partner who is 9 years younger than you and will be introducing you to every person he’s every known at church.  Take solace in the fact that he’ll be as miserable as you because he never sees these people anyways, it’s all for his mother.

On the 24^th day of Christmas: Christmas Eve! Time to relax! Except your sister and brother-in-law and nephew are in town so you need to spend time with them, hang your stockings with care at your parents’ house, get out of there before your Aunt shows up, go to Christmas Mass (ugh) with the future in-law’s and that whole family, try not to spontaneously combust as you enter church, hang with them for a bit after, hit your best friend’s family’s house and then go home with the intent to make love on Christmas Eve and fall asleep watching NCIS on the DVR.

On the 25^th day of Christmas: Rise and shine and get your ass up at 7 because you have to be at your Mom and Dad’s by 7:30 for breakfast and stockings, then leave for his grandparents’ house by 10:30 then head back to your parents’ house by 3:30 and then go to some friends’ by 8:30 or so.  By then you won’t even know what your name is, let alone which house you’re at.

On the 1^st day after Christmas: You get some time to yourself – for a minute, before your Aunt comes into town and you and the women of the family stay home to babysit your 1 year old nephew while the Father/Son/Son-in-law luncheon occurs.  Laugh as you send off your partner to endure a meal with Papa Bear and his “what are your intentions” questions.  Stop laughing when all the women start asking you about wedding plans.

On the 2^nd day after Christmas: You were going to take time off work but given all the family obligations, you’re contemplating going into the office just for some peace and quiet.

On the 3^rd day after Christmas: I don’t even know what day it is right now.

On the 4^th day after Christmas:  Baby shower luncheon for your youngest sister – reconnect with old family friends, endure “so when’s the next wedding? Are you planning on kids? How much younger is he again?” questions.  Text your partner that eloping is a great idea. Like tomorrow.

On the 5^th day after Christmas: What day is it? Because you sure don’t fucking know.  All you know is that you have a class starting in like 2 days that you aren’t prepared for and that means year-end bullshit is just around the corner.  You don’t know where the last year went but you’re pretty sure a lot of it went down the toilet.

On the 6^th day after Christmas: It’s New Year’s Eve.  You and your partner, having not had a day to yourselves in two weeks, are spending the night at home to ring in a special new year by yourselves.  You fall asleep on the couch at 10:30 pm after asking, again, why they allow Dick Clark to stay on as a co-host of the NYC festivities because it’s really just depressing anymore.

On the 7^th day after Christmas:  It’s New Year’s Day.  You require pigs in the blanket. You have two mothers who are making them and must hit two houses because your mother makes black eyed peas, another good luck prerequisite for a New Year, and your partner’s family wants to see you too.  Not to mention friends who want to watch football with you.  Remind yourself that you’re lucky to be so loved as you pop some more ibuprofen.

On the 8^th day after Christmas:  Turn off your cell phone and pretend that the world has imploded because if you don’t get one fucking day of peace to yourself, complete with a bottle of wine and a hot bubble bath before the clusterfuck SNAFU hell of year-end hits, you may end up shooting someone. Twice.

Jon became furious when I told him how my parents feel, and now he’s talking about killing them so we can be together. I know he is serious.

I really love Jon. He is the first boy who has shown an interest in me.

My parents and I have always had a great relationship, and my mom is like my best friend. I totally don’t want to see them get hurt. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell my parents and I can’t tell the police. I have tried to talk Jon out of it and tell him they will learn to accept him over time. He just gets mad and says I am taking their side. Please tell me what to do. — Anonymous in Fort Myers, Fla.

I hate stupid girls.  “He is the first boy who has shown an interest in me.”  Poor self-esteem anyone? He’s nuts sweetheart.  Ya’ll need to move, change your phone number and erase that crazy from your life.  Trust me, I know! Because once a crazy, always a crazy, and dating a crazy will always come back to haunt you!

It will never cease to amaze me how (generally crazy, delusional, “beat down”) men will hang on to, over-analyze, reminisce and tear open old wounds when it comes to their past relationships and women just say “huh? Oh, I dated you once? Did we have good sex? What was your name?”

We chicks move on faster than Speedy Gonzales but sweet Jesus – men will hang on to, carry with them, blame future relationships on, blame past mistakes on, even blame their hangnails on women they’ve dated in the past who’ve broken up with them or who managed to turn the tables on them for once and use them for all it’s worth instead of us chicks being the piece of ass that pacifies the loser until his next doomed decision.  Here’s a word of caution ladies – if you find a guy who utters the statement “well, my Ex did XYZ so I have trust issues/lost everything I had/am a recovering alcoholic/do drugs/ok I’m a crazy fuck and you just don’t know it yet” – RUN!!!! 

As I look back this year and all I’ve gained and settled into, I can pause and reflect and say “HOLY FUCK what was I thinking?!?” and then laugh my ass off at some of the shit I dated in the first 36 years of my life.

What I DON’T do is hang on to those relationships, the fucked up men, the dead-end roads and blame them for “how I am today” or woulda/coulda/shoulda’d myself into oblivion day after day.  Nor do I continue to drive by their homes, stop at their usual haunts to see if we could “run into each other”  or in any other way, shape or form try to keep those idiots in my life, thoughts or psyche.  Why? Because I’m not delusional or crazy, I have a great life and I knew exactly what I was doing as I was biding my time waiting for that one great guy to come my way.  You know, the one I live with and will be marrying? That guy. The normal, functional family, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t have a drinking problem, educated, driven and doesn’t blame his life on someone else guy.

What’s funny is that to look back on my life before Doug, those guys actually thought I believed them when they said they were motivated and driven.  Or that they’ve loved me forever and would always be someone I could rely on.  That I was their one true, lost love. That after three weeks of dating thought we were destined to be married.

WHAT?  Dudes– hold up.  What’s the one thing we all know about me? I love sex.  So sorry to turn the tables ‘round on you, but you were the one being used and you bought every line I fed you.  I can’t help that you’re gullible.  Or crazy. Sorry that I myself knew it was just something to do to get through the holidays and take my mind off things… ok, maybe that was cruel – or not, because let’s face it, once a Crazy Gabe, always a Crazy Gabe and he will forever be known as Crazy Gabe.  

Fact of the matter is, the guys who hang on to us girls are the ones who seem to be forever scarred because we finally managed to treat them the way they’ve treated every other woman in their lives – a means to an end, a good time, a place to crash.  Meanwhile, we moved on ages ago and we don’t give them a second thought until we get that random “hope all is well” text or “I miss talking to you” or just fucking drive by the house and think we won’t notice and then we just say “Jesus Christ, really? Get a life.”

The point of this is, ladies, if you meet a guy who’s girl did him wrong, broke his heart, cheated on him, drove him to bankruptcy/attempted suicide/drinking/sucking his thumb at night/fights with his baby’s mama, just run.  Don’t be the stupid 16 year old girl above who’s writing a stranger for advice after her crazy teenage boyfriend threatens her life and she’s just not sure of what to do.  Dumbass.

Save yourself the months or years of subsequent stalking after you use him for a few weeks’ of good time because I can assure you, you’ll just be taking on an annoyance.   Because men just can’t get over it.  They prefer to blame everything wrong with their lives and themselves on what some woman did to them rather than say “Yea, I’m a jackass who knocked up some chick and flunked out of school because I was drinking too much and became homeless but geez I have so much great advice for you and I’m really a great guy with a good heart, I’ve just been wronged.” 

RUN.

Anymore, it seems that Corporate America Exec’s are making dumb decision after stupid decision after fucked up decision.  The only common denominator seems to be the dicks between their legs.  Today seems to have grown into a “Bring on the assholes, stupid decisions and general what the fuck day” so I am inspired to swing my direction from relationships and dating and the comical clusterfucks of life and talk about this bullshit for a minute.  Let me get my shovel.

The economy is struggling to recover – so I get that beggars can’t be choosers and I am very grateful for having hung on to my job through the layoff of 8,000 or so folks at my company in 2009.  That being said, if our morale was any lower, we’d be digging our way to China and be half-way there.  How did it get to be this bad? It wasn’t just the layoffs – we were still ok, banding together, adapting our roles to accommodate the new workload with folks taking their exits.  But then, slowly, things started to change.

Penises were promoted to Managerial level or given significant pay increases (because Managers with vaginas wisely vacated the company) ….and these Penises have about as much leadership and accounting knowledge as first-year college students.  Penises get promoted to empty titles just for the pay raises and to pacify them for getting passed over for some promotions.  They don’t have to do anything more for the extra $30,000 they are now earning, they just have to shut up.  My three degrees seem to have no bearing on my leadership and knowledge-base because, well, you know, I don’t have a dick.  So, the promotion I was promised, congratulated on and then raped of prior to the layoffs was cremated and scattered over the now-barren parking lot. 

Let’s get back to our leadership – because we have sub-par area managers and a department “leader” who has a major Napoleon complex that seems to overwhelm his 5’5” frame, my own Manager has had to overcompensate for all the stupidity of the rest of the Management team and is now far-removed from his own department, working 15 hour days and weekends and people won’t hardly wipe their own asses without asking him if they folded the shit paper the right way.  Which means that the needs of the department fall by the wayside as office politics and shit management seeps its way across department borders.  What was once a well-oiled, productive department is becoming a clusterfuck.

Sprinkle in a bit of 100% Grade-A shit software in the Spring of this year and you’re baking quite the crap cupcake.  Nevermind that the staff people actually working on the implementation, training and would-be responsible parties for this software are telling Management and leadership that the software sucks ass and smells worse than a Donkey Kong pile of shit and should be dumped the very week of training/implementation.  What do we know?  We only have 5 fucking degrees and a CPA certification between the two of us – we have vaginas, therefore such knowledge gets discounted 75% by the Penises.  So instead of manning-up and telling the Jesus of our Corporate Trinity that the software sucks and we need to bail pronto, Napoleon, who has a fear of Jesus, decides to string along the project for six months, include a useless trip for four to Phoenix, daily calls with customer support, lost data, frozen laptops and every other software hiccup and fuckup just to finally find a set of balls and say “NO” in September to continue with the project.  And you thought morale and faith in management was low before the dreaded Canada project? I’d tell you to talk to the hand except it’s helping me load the gun I want to use to shoot myself after enduring all that bullshit.

Because Napoleon has a set of balls the size of Planter’s peanuts, when it comes time for the Global Corporate Finance Forum event, something that brings together all the key finance players across the globe for a week of news, training and networking opportunities, the vaginas of my area are cut from the invite list.  It doesn’t matter that we attended AND presented at the Forum two years ago, that we have contact with our Global community for our jobs and that everyone assumes we’re going to be there because, after all, we are External Reporting.  Nope – go ahead and let us get cut from the list while lower-level or comparable-level mindless Penises are invited and screw us just a bit more.  At least we vaginas have a bit of Penis on our side when some Managers who aren’t afraid of their own shadows express disappointment and disgust at the lack of fighting for our rights on the part of the Penises who manage us.

Then, because people aren’t disgusted enough with management, their jobs and the crappy Ohio weather, let’s go ahead and look around the floor of 60 or so individuals and decide that NONE of them are worthy of a new Management Trainee program and let’s hire our buddy’s daughter-in-law, complete in her Ann Taylor knits and stylish knee-high boots, and throw her into the mix but not tell her that you’ve just fucked over those 60+ people she has to work with.  Let’s completely clusterfuck the hierarchy of people on this floor and she can just report to Jesus and become his new pet. Simultaneously, let’s go ahead and let Jesus announce to the Managers that he’s no longer going to speak to individuals but, rather, ONLY talk to the Managers and make his requests through them.  As such, he can blatantly ignore all the personnel he used to speak to and act as though we are all invisible.

Since we’re not having enough fun, let’s go ahead and throw an HR person in our midst, give her an office and act as though that’s normal procedure.  Because certainly if I have a problem, I’m going to talk to the cellulite chick with the glass-door office so everyone can see that I’m having a problem.  Immediately add some distrust when she becomes best buddy with the Department gossip-bitch doesn’t-realize-he’s-gay sue-happy ultimate example of whiny bitch time-waster.  She then learns her proper place when they make an announcement of major organizational changes for the Finance Department and she had been kept completely out of the loop on that one – and she’s the HR rep for the Department!

Wonder why morale is so low when you keep making stupid Penis decisions, promote only Penises, stress that we need to keep tightening the belts (so no pay raises or bonuses for two years) and then send Napoleon to Asia for two weeks and $20,000 to work on an Accounts Payables system?  Please don’t ask why I am suddenly only working 40 hours a week and have taken on a part-time job teaching.  Because I will tell anyone who asks the same response my boyfriend had for my parents….”Because she had to find SOMETHING to do that actually made her happy.”

Keep the Penises happy, fuck the vaginas – because after all, isn’t that what vaginas are for? Fucking them?