Recall, my readers, my “If you want to date me” rules provided so lovingly by my shrink after my last long-term abusive chaotic warped mind-fucking relationship ended….

1. Be gainfully employed.
2. Have no criminal record or DUI(s)
3. Have a healthy, positive relationship with your family.
4. Have a college education
5. Pay your bills.
6. Not be abusive – verbally or physically.
7. Not have a drinking or drug problem.
8. Be supportive without being domineering, be loving and caring without being needy or suffocating.
9. Appreciate and encourage my career and interests.
10. Be great in bed.

I’ve been told by many men that “sometimes you just make mistakes” (DUI or criminal record). “The economy has really sucked, I just can’t find anything/make enough money” (be gainfully employed/pay your bills).  “I just can’t get close enough to you” (suffocating – as in glued to the side of my hip while sitting on the sofa or sleeping in bed).  Blah blah blah. Every excuse in the book for why they don’t meet all these criteria.  Do you want to know how many relationships of mine have worked with men who didn’t meet all of these criteria? Zip. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

But to all you naysayers who think my list is shit, I say every woman should use it as her bible.  Because when you find the guy who meets all of these criteria: Has a job and has always had a steady work history, is athletic but not manorexic, has a great sociable personality, no criminal record/DUI, have a great relationship with his parents and younger brothers, is college educated, pays his bills, is the most courteous and sweet man you’ve ever met, isn’t waking up at 3 p.m. every day to start his daily drunk, is not at all suffocating even when you’ve spent five of the last six evenings with him, admires your college education and career and is absolutely the best fuck you have ever had in your entire freaking life, is 6’4” and he’s only 27?? What??!  Screw the 8 year age gap and grab on with two hands – this is the guy for you!

Yes ladies, you can find him – it may take three years and random circumstances causing you to meet, but you will find that great guy and you will realize that he’s the reason you’ve held out and didn’t settle for the jerk who screwed you over all the time, or the guy who chewed his food like a girl or the guy who was completely psychotic.  And what’s more – as much as you like having your space and independence, it will not even dawn on you to say “No, I really need a night to myself” when he asks repeatedly to see you almost every night. Because you just can’t get enough of him.  You will want to see him as much as he wants to see you.  You will have a great balance of evenings alone with him as well as evenings out with all the gang.  And you’ll be really glad that he’s moving in with one of your best friends, a whopping two minutes from your house. And that he’s incredible in bed – did I mention that already?

 For now, a little positive note to all you ladies out there wishing you could find that one great guy – but where are you going to meet him? Online? Puh-lease – what a joke.  Church? Library? Hospital cafeteria as graciously advised by the Millionaire Matchmaker?  Fear not, my dear girls, for there is hope.  Take a lesson from my playbook and maybe you’ll land yourself that guy you never expected to meet, but thank the gods of fate that you did.

 It’s Friday – after having consumed a few Captain and Coke’s at the year-end corporate office party, call one of your male friends and see what’s going on tonight.  Love the fact that he happens to be at the same bar as your office party so make plans to meet up with Shaun and his friend Brian later that evening. Progress to leaving the office party, throwing on some jeans and meeting the guys at a bar to sip some Coke as you try to sober up – after all, it’s only 5:30 and you need to get your drink on!

 Now – some girls may feel that they should go down to their local haunt, see their girlfriend and have a quiet evening because that’s what they’re used to.  Have at it, but I took the road less traveled and followed these two shenanigans out to another bar because I was having too much fun giving them relationship advice.  Proceed to have the breath knocked out of you when that 6’4, dark-haired drink of water walks into the bar and sits on the other side of Brian. Say a prayer and ask Shaun if he knows him….”Doug! Man! When did you get here!?  This is my friend Mandy.”  Chit chat with this adorable specimen of a man and turn to Shaun and say “Tell me he’s single and straight.”  Laugh when Shaun says “Yes to both, but he’s in trouble, isn’t he? Go get him!”

 Now – keep in mind, we’ve only done the “how do you know Shaun” bit of chatting.  Have some confidence and take out one of your business cards and write your cell phone number on the back.  Shaun laughed when I did because “Mandy, you haven’t even talked to him yet.”  Yes, dear, that is true, but I also know when I see something I want, I go for it.  Casually chat with the guys for a bit and (you owe Brian a drink for this) be grateful when Brian tells you to trade him seats so he can talk to Shaun more easily.  Sidle up next to Doug and go in for the kill.  Keep the conversation easy, no third degree, joke about Olympic Curling, talk about sports and then hand him your card and say “I’m just going to give you this – I’d love to hear from you.”

 Laugh when he says “Wow – your number’s already on the back – when did you write it down?” and you respond “two hours ago the minute you walked in.”  He’ll be flattered you honed on him immediately and it shows a sign of confidence that I knew I wanted to get to know him better and made the “first move” of exchanging numbers. 

 Do you know what happens when you just take the bull by the horns, put yourself out there with a guy you don’t even know and take the chance?  You stay out til 1:30 talking to a great guy.  You get a guy that you go out with the following night, he will immediately add you to his Facebook friends because – well, you know, you do that when you’re genuinely interested in someone and want to have them involved in your life, and before that first date is even over, he will ask how soon he can see you again.  And thus, you end up going out again with a fantastic man, who, it turns out, has a personality just like yours, is a lot of fun, is absolutely the most adorable guy you have ever gone out with and is 8 ½ years younger than you.  Will you care? No – because age doesn’t matter and confidence does.

 So the next time you’re out and about and you see a guy to whom you are instantly attracted, don’t shy away or wait for him to make the first move. Go for it.  The worst that will happen is that he’ll reject your advances. The best that will happen is that you land an incredible guy with a great personality and a cute soccer ass.

 In this day and age, it’s most likely both people in a relationship are working.  As such, when you both finally make it home from work, I’d advise men to NOT say, “what are you making for dinner? And not that weird chicken shit you made a couple weeks ago because that gave me the shits and I wanna fuck later.”  It would be wiser to say, “you know, we’ve both had a really long day.  How about I run and get us a pizza and a six pack, we eat off paper plates so we don’t have to do dishes, put in a movie and just enjoy a relaxing evening?”  I promise not only will your chick appreciate this gesture, but she will also give you head and start riding you on the couch because, after all, she has such a sweet man who just wanted to spend time with her. 

 Your woman is getting ready to go out for a night with the girls.  You take one look at her outfit and say “Hell No! You are not wearing that! You look like a fucking whore – what the fuck – are you going trolling for ass tonight?”  To which your girl will respond with adding more mascara, telling you to go fuck a duck and turning off her cell phone as she drives off.  OR you could try this: “Wow – you look absolutely incredible! What time do you have to meet the girls? Do we have ten minutes… because you are so beautiful, I just want a few minutes to worship you and make you cum – please?”  And thus, it’s highly likely your girlfriend will drop her jeans and bend over for a pounding from behind, having an orgasm or three and then you’ll send her on her way.  She will spend the rest of the night telling her girlfriends how great you are, will be craving more ass and will probably meet you out later so you can get home and finish what you started.

 It’s Valentine’s Day weekend.  You have always been an ardent opposer to “Hallmark Holidays” and insist that you don’t buy into “all that superficial bullshit” that surrounds Valentine’s Day.  And then you make plans to play poker all night with your friends.  Congratulations – you have now proven to your significant other that you cannot, for one day, put your ridiculous, cheap-ass, selfish, idiotic and moronic tendencies aside and take the time to buy a $10 bouquet of flowers at Giant Eagle, a sappy card that expresses in some way, shape or form that you love your partner and tell her how special she is.  It is highly likely she will laugh in your face when she breaks up with you the next day because who wants to spend their future with a man who can’t suck it up and make her feel special on a day when everyone else’s husband or boyfriend is doing so?  He’s probably the same guy who, when you are pushing out his 10 pound son from a hole the size of a quarter, that it hurt more when he got punched in the face by that semi-pro wrestler. 

 Your wife decides she wants to repaint the spare room.  The drab white walls are bugging the hell out of her.  So she chooses a nice pale green and a charming border to hang afterwards.  After she spends two evenings priming the walls, she puts the first coat on…that pale green is more like lime green. You laugh your ass off and tell her she has the taste of a 70 year old woman tripping on acid and walk away, telling her to enjoy fixing that shit up.  When you wake up the next morning, I’m not sure why you’d be surprised to find your driver’s side door still tacky from the lime green paint that hasn’t dried yet. OR you could say “oh honey, maybe they messed up the mix at Lowe’s – let’s run and get another can and make sure this is going to be the color you want.  I’ll help you prime over this stuff and we’ll attack the room together tomorrow night.”  You save yourself from repainting your car door, you allow your wife to maintain her dignity and also ensure that you don’t spend the next week sleeping on the couch because “even a 70 year woman tripping on acid wouldn’t want to share a bed with a cock-knob like you.”

 See how we women think? Pay attention to me and you can save yourself from sounding like the 1^st inductee into the Asshole Hall of Fame.

Next up, as I’m shaking my head at men and their inability to think, is somedude.  Somedude lives in Massillon – what I consider to be the toilet of Ohio.  I hate Massillon.  Here’s a reason why.  Here’s a dude who is not terrible looking, could have potential if I overlooked his address and then we come to his interests.  They include: 420 bbw browns cavs indians sex  For those of you not following his intellectual pursuits, let me enlighten you.  420: smoking weed.  Bbw: big beautiful women.  Browns: The Cleveland Browns (who suck).  Cavs: The Cleveland Cavaliers.  Indians: The Cleveland Indians. And Sex.  Wow.  He likes his women big – great for him, as I glance down at my thighs, thank god I’m going to the trainer tonight and wonder sweet jesus – how fat do I look in my profile pictures because I didn’t think I resembled a cow?!?!  Here’s a guy I definitely want to take home to my parents!

 Countrysingle lives in Dresden – which I think is absolute farm country. Which I’d love, if it weren’t 56 miles away (I love how the sites will tell you exactly how far away someone is from you).  His profile pictures (he has six) are ALL  of an antique pickup truck.  His story: “i wen to tri valley high school then went to vocay. school i really injoy the outdoors,fishing, and footballgames.”  His Perfect Match: “someone who likes goingout and haveing fun, or likes to stay at home sometims”  This is the grammar/punctuation whore kicking in…..

And then we have I make more bread.  He’s 23, doesn’t know what his relationship status is and has this to say:  “i am not working right it the winner.but i do got money.  i like to hang out with the women frist to get to kno them”  

 Oh my – fight the urge to contact him – he’s most definitely a fucking keeper.

Moving on, they only get better.  Then we have Totage.  His interests are: God, Jesus Christ, The Holy Bible, Technology, The Internet, Love, Pease, Happiness….”  He writes and tells me he just moved back from Salt Lake City where his last girlfriend ripped his heart out.  Baggage anyone?  He asked me what kind of professional I was (I didn’t put accountant in the profile, just “Professional”).   Do you know how badly I want to respond and tell him I’m a prostitute?  Because somehow, I can’t see myself waking up every morning next to a man who looks like this:

 I’m gonna go run for the hills now.

Per this morning’s discussion on BC, I’m attaching a few more pics of the prospects who have contacted me in the past – now really, for any men reading this who want some tips on online dating, which are in an earlier post, let me reiterate – POST A GOOD PICTURE!!!

huh?

poor guy, he’ll be a virgin for life.

i can’t decide – circa 1973 or dude forgot where the barbershop is in 2009?

this is why you should be drunk when you take a picture of yourself

ooooooo sexy beer gut

wanna cuddle with him??

 Look guys – it’s difficult for anyone to find someone they truly want to date, I get that.  If you want to date a woman who is in her 30s, and, let’s face it, you do, because we are more likely to have our shit together, own a home, have a savings account and can fuck you 10 ways from Sunday and have perfected the art of the 2 minute blowjob, it’s not that difficult.  So here are some tips, ranging from how to approach to how to seal the deal to making it a solid gold hit.

 If you want to approach a woman in a bar or some social setting, just approach her.  Save the pick up lines for making your four year old daughter giggle.  “Hi – I’m Scott and I would love to sit and chat with you for a few minutes and buy you a drink, if you don’t mind.”  Nice, cordial, polite.  “Hey Baby, you know what look good on you? Me.”  Yeaaaaa…….this is my vagina drying up to ensure you will never gain access.

 Should you make it to the point where you get her phone number – do you know what you do with that phone number? YOU CALL or TEXT HER.  SOON.   I don’t mean call her five days from now, I mean, perhaps the next morning or afternoon, send her a text such as “I’m really looking forward to when we can talk more.”  Or “I’m so glad we’ve met – I hope you have a good day…when would be a good time to call so we can chat some more?”  Let’s her know you are still interested and that it wasn’t the 10 beers you had last night.  If you wait to call her a week later and she asks “Joe who?” why are you surprised?  It took you seven days to find five minutes to call her – she lost interest in hearing from you about five days ago because if you can’t find time in your oh-so-hectic life to even call her to ask for a date, what’s a relationship with you going to be like?

 When it comes time for the date, if you live in different cities, YOU DRIVE TO HER CITY.  You do not meet half way, you don’t have her come to your city.  You drive to hers and you MEET at the bar or restaurant or coffee shop.  If a man asks me to come his way, I’m instantly annoyed.  I’m a woman – I want to know you’re willing to go the extra mile (literally as well as figuratively) for me.  Do not offer to pick her up – in this day and age, we all want to play it safe and we like knowing we can’t be held captive. Don’t get bent out of shape, in fact, suggest it (bonus points) and tell her “I know a first date can be uncomfortable, so let’s meet at your favorite restaurant.”  It lets her know you respect her boundaries (you aren’t out for a piece of ass) as well as her safety and comfort. 

 Are you amazed at how much we think? Don’t be. We are the superior sex LOL.  But it’s true – your implications, your intentions, your courteousness all translates through your actions and words.  So choose them carefully.

 I don’t care who you’re dating (notice, I’m assuming you’ve made it past the first date and she wants to see more of you) – DO NOT PUSH FOR SEX.  Make sure she knows you’re attracted to her – kiss her, hug her, caress her, whatever, but let her decide when it’s time for ass.  Don’t set a rule ie: 10 dates before you sleep together.  Don’t say that you think you guys should only have sex every 3^rd date so it doesn’t become all about sex.  You’re adults – do it ten times a day if that’s what makes you happy.  But if you’re interesting in the woman, truly interested, you will not invite yourself into her home, you will not move too fast. Give her a hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek after the first date.  Kiss her at the door after the next one.  The longer you prolong having sex, the more explosive it will be.  And she’ll like that you were interested in spending time with her without having the expectation of ass.  Really. 

 Once you are in a full fledged relationship, it’s not hard to maintain it.  Remember the considerate, mature, affectionate guy who showed up for those first few dates?  He needs to stick around.  Text her every morning to have a great day. Make sure she knows how important she is to you, how much enjoy having her in your life (without hitting stalker mode ie: 200 texts a day and pouting if she doesn’t respond within 2 minutes).  When you meet her family, do not consume more than 2 drinks, regardless of how much her brother drinks.  At least offer to help clear the table, do the dishes.  Show her family WHY she is so interested in you and has developed a relationship with you.

 Finally – fuck the ever loving hell out of her whenever she wants it. That’ll REALLY make her happy.  =)

First we have Dave1378 who is 30 and lives right here in the area. He’s made me a favorite (I’m flattered). OH-MY-GOD. My first thought is Elmer Fudd in human form. His caption is “chivalrous, lonely and wanting more.” Once again, gang, reading is believing….. “hello everyone my name is dave i am going to be 31 in october and it has come to the point in my life that i want to find the woman i can settle down with and spend the rest of my days(and nights) with i am very interested in anything that has to do with cars i also like to play pool and go bowling when time and money allow for it.”

Now some people have said that maybe I’m a bit too harsh on guys due to punctuation and spelling. Ok, I’ll buy that. I don’t expect absolute perfection (after all, not everyone had a mother like mine). I do, however, expect the occassional fucking period. Not to mention this kid looks like Elmer Fudd and I’m sure still lives with his parents. Gee – let’s find out. Ok I couldn’t even make it that far because I accidentally clicked on his additional pictures and I just can’t go any further. I’m not a lightweight but I don’t weight 350 pounds either (with a 10 year old son who looks like he’s over-fed as well). Next!

Sweet Jesus. Now we have Ron. Allow me first to share with you the email he sent me.
Hello,

Just wanted to share some thoughts.

If you want to stay healthy into your old age, avoid following any of the mainstream dietary dogma. Caloric theory has been debunked ad infinitium and yet everyone still seems to buy into it. Its chemically impossible for dietary fat to cause weight gain, and yet, the grocery stores are still full of stuff that says “a low fat food” on the package.

If youre ever up to it, I’m a master of debating just about any topic. Ive literally exhausted engineers, PHDs, and college professors in online debate. Its not that I like to hear myself talk, I simply believe that debate is a great way to learn what you dont know, and share with others what you know. Its not a contest.

Thanks,

Ron

Right…..he doesn’t like to hear himself talk. What kind of a self-indulgent weenie sends a girl that email on DATING sight?? Listen to this shit – this is what his profile summary is – you know, where you generally talk about your interests, job, outlook, likes/dislikes.

I’ve revamped this because an objective and neutral observer told me that my profile was “cold” and “wordy”. What follows is a synopsis of facts about me. I am in really good physical condition for my age. I have above average intelligence. My thoughts are defined more by logic than emotion. I love to research political conspiracy. Im very much into Science and Technology (the useful mechanical kind). I love to read. Im a firm believer in Free Energy and Overunity. A personal dream of mine is to develop a device that I could plunk down on the desk of any oil company CEO that would fill them with visions of going broke. I have the intellectual capacity to create such a device, I simply lack the logistical support to do it at the moment.

Wait there’s more!!!!
What I’m doing with my life
Working at a job that in a normal world would have been phased out long ago. Im in good company. We live in a world of forced dependence and forced participation. Most of the work done in the modern world is basically useless or only exists to support the social control mechanism.
Propose an Edit
I’m really good at
Rational analysis of everything. Im also really good at spotting someone who is dishonest. This isnt as hard as it seems. A right handed person will look to the right when they are lying. They will look to the left when they are telling the truth. Looking to the right means they are acessing the creative, the left means they are accessing the intellectual. The opposite is true for a left handed person. A really good liar will utilize whats called suspension of disbelief.

I have a headache.

Blueeyed7 local (yea!) 46 (nay) and um, well, I know I’m not 105 pounds, but I don’t have a second chin the reaches my chest either….

Jaccob I can’t get over the fact that Jacob is spelled wrong – sorry, it’s just an irritant even if it’s supposed to be a play on his name LOL

Phale ok, once again, I wish you could see this picture. He is 36 and looks 12, is shirtless and has the oddest pose in what may be a men’s restroom? And he just got out of a 21 year relationship…I’ll wait while you do the math….so since he was 15????? And he’s a huge Christian, in fact he comes second only to the Lord. Sorry, that’s the alarm going off…

Booboo His story? “some one want me for me” His Perfect Match? “good looking no cheaters” Ideal Date? “up too any thing” typed verbatim oh God.

Teka125 hang on to your hats. He’s 44 with hair halfway down his back. His photo is taken in what looks like a dorm room and I can only surmise is his bedroom. He admits he’s not much of a housekeeper (why do I suddenly envision a trailer?) and is seeking someone who is youthful looking. Pass me a gun.

Gumby Thank you Lord, he lives an hour away. His Likes? “Pearl Jam… its all I kneed”

Spike He’s 37 and local. Blah on the looks. His story (and I had to copy this one in too and bite me to those of you who thing I’m a punctuation whore LOL) “Ok well what do I say? Well I am going through a disalousion, I have 2 boys that I having visit, but don’t get to see near enough. They are #1 in my life and will be there for ever, not that I dont have room for someone special but if you try to make me choose dont be surprised. I love the outdoors, I dont care to sit around all day watching TV on my days off, not that I cant sit down relax and watch TV or a movie with you though. I do have my favorite shows that I like to watch (NCIS, The Unit, Looking forward to the new series taking the spot of ER) I would much rather be doing something like tent camping, hiking, hunting, scuba diving, Leather work (making stuff from leather), wood working, ect. I have never smoked and only drink occassionally. I love camping I have been tent camping basically my whole life (ok I was told I was “created” in a Boy Scout of America camp)(not kidding). My first campout was in a tent at 6 months old. I have 2 vehicles, 2 jobs. I dont know what else to say so if you want to know more you will have to ask.”

I’m going to go bury my head in the sand now.

 So let’s move on to the next one.  Great.  He’s from Laurel, MD (271 miles away from me).  He wants to be friends.  Really? I don’t need more friends, I need a fucking boyfriend!

 So next we have “Everything 101” from Doylestown – ok, at least he’s only 17 miles from me.  He has a four year old child, supposedly makes good money…. He has sent me a picture because he doesn’t have one in his profile (hmmmmm).  Let’s see what he looks like…ok, admittedly, not bad looking. So I’ve emailed him back and I’ll let you know what happens.  Let me check his profile again – he’s 30, a Libra (my sign), conservative and a Catholic.  Ok I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now LOL      

Next guy is “bonshuta” – lives just a few miles away, doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke which always scares me for some reason – always makes you wonder, “wow, doesn’t drink – why? Super religious? Recovering alcoholic?” (always a cynic).  But he’s cute – he’s also way short at just 5’5” but I’ll email him and see what’s up.

Then we have “Scott197114” – he is a “sweet caring gut looking for love.”  Yes you read that right, his headline says “gut” instead of “guy.”  Uuuuuuggggghhhhhhh fine I’ll keep reading.  This is him talking about himself…copied right off the site…. “im a fun loving guy. looking for some one to hang out with and have some fun. looking for some one who will be open minded and can have fun at home or out. must like kids will not play head games thats all”    Jesus god.  Why am I doing this?

So because this hasn’t been punishment enough, I’m signing up at a new site. Because it’s Sunday, I’m sore and I’m getting fucking tired of being single.  You’re telling me I can’t find one guy who can actually punctuate a sentence, isn’t trailer trash and doesn’t have five kids with four different women?????

Yea so the new site – this is going to be interesting…..I stress that I am not looking for anyone who has hang-ups with their ex’s nor bible thumpers.  First email? From a guy who’s #1 favorite book is the Bible, thanks God for everything  from the sun to his toenails and gave up on his Ex who went clubbing too much and even though he prayed long and hard for her, could not save her. Jesus H. Christ, shoot me now.

First of all – I am not a bad looking woman – I think I’m quite attractive, men have even used the word beautiful, so why then do men who closely resemble rats, or are older than my father (ok not really, but 49…. really??) or look like they’re 12 years old continue to email me? And let’s not forget the fine specimen with a full “grill” [for those of you unfamiliar, a "grill" is where men (god I hope women don't get them too!) get gold caps placed over certain or all of their teeth] who emailed me not once, but twice! No, I did not respond. My profile states that I’m a professional career woman – yea let me bring a guy with a full grill to my Corporate Christmas Party – that’ll go over real well!

Probably the two funniest “wow did he really just say that?” men were Phillip and Dave. Phillip led me to believe he lived in a nice apartment, had just taken his picture that he had posted, drove a nice car and was gainfully employed. Phillip, it turned out, posted a photo from four years ago – and NO, he did not look the same, lived in a rathole in Akron complete with crackheads, drove a beat up pickup truck and was presently laid off. He was working though, I’ll give him that, on a contract basis – so basically as a temp. No big deal, do what you have to do to pay the bills. I can respect that. After talking for two hours over dinner at a T.G.I. Fridays, he finally makes this statement…. “Yea, I know I should get a second job because I’m really behind on my bills and I’m really broke….but that would cut into my drinking time.” Check Please!!

Dave was a good looking guy living about an hour’s drive from me, which is a stretch anyways because more than 20 minutes is pretty much long-distance in my head. Dave was good looking, employed, lived on the family farm, great personality, etc…. We made plans to meet for dinner later in the week. The day after talking to him for about three hours on the phone, he drops this bomb on me. “Yea, I have never actually broken up with a girlfriend – I’ve just cheated on all of them so I can make sure they’ll never come back – because unless you really hurt them, they’ll always try to come back.” Click. And yet it took him a MONTH to finally stop calling/texting me.

And people really wonder why I’m single?