My husband and I disagree about who should pay for any future education Jason wants. If he goes back to school, his tuition will be paid for, says Dad. I think we would be enabling him if he thought we were always ready to foot the bill. We are heartsick, but Jason’s mind is made up. Any advice?

Again – I have to ask why people write a stranger for advice when they are adults and capable of making their own decisions.  If your son is such a slackass that he can’t bear to stay in school for two more semesters to finish his degree, in an age where having a college degree in anything is so much more likely to aid you in securing employment anywhere, let him go and tell him good luck.  I hope he enjoys paying for all of his own expenses with his lower wage as he rides the river.  And when, in two years, someone says “we’d like to promote you, but the position requires a college degree” and he decides to go back to school, I hope he enjoys the school loans he’ll take on to finish his education.

When people used to have high school and college graduation parties, I always had to laugh.  My mother always used to say….”why would we have a party?  We EXPECT you to graduate from high school and college.  Why wouldn’t you complete that goal?”  It’s called adult-hood….enjoy. 

DEAR ABBY: I met “Guy” seven years ago and fell deeply in love. We dated for a couple of months, but one day with no warning he broke up with me on my voicemail.

Three weeks after the breakup, Guy came to my home. It was the week of his wedding, which he never bothered to mention. I later heard he had been married from a mutual friend. I knew Guy had been seeing someone, but he never indicated that it was serious.

We have been having an affair ever since our breakup. Because I love him, I can’t say no to him. He’ll go through periods where he says he’s getting divorced. He even told my mom that. Then he calls and says they’re going to work it out. I never pushed. I want him to be happy — even if it’s not with me — and I want no part in causing a divorce. Every time I start to get over Guy, he comes around again. It’s like he has radar.

The last time we slept together, a month ago, he told me he thought he had married the wrong woman. The next day, he admitted he has too much at stake to make a change. I am in so much pain. I don’t want to be his mistress. If I tell his wife, Guy will never speak to me again. Should I tell her? — RUNNER-UP IN CHEYENNE

First of all, you’re a whore.  Sorry.  You dated a couple of months and fell deeply in love and then he broke up with you – why? Because he was about to get married.  AND you knew he was seeing someone the whole time!!! So you go ahead and continue to fuck him.  Aren’t you sweet to support him as he maintains a marriage he doesn’t want to be in.  Guess what sweetheart, he didn’t HAVE to get married.

You are already his mistress….and I’m sorry, but what kind of a family do you have if the married guy you are fucking also talks to your mother??? My mother would be appalled if I were having an affair with a married man, let alone talk to the douche bag!!

So close your legs, change your phone number, move if you have to.  I’d call his wife and say “just wanted to let Guy know that he left his boxers and handcuffs at my house….when would be a good time to drop them off?” 

Stop being his whore and find a man who doesn’t use you as an escape from his reality of his own choosing.

DEAR ABBY: “Aaron” and I have been married five years, and I have always tried to keep our sex life “spicy.” Letting him take private X-rated photos and videos of me seemed fun at the time.

I recently learned that my “private” photos and videos have been on the Internet and shared with Aaron’s buddies, co-workers and friends. I am shocked, embarrassed and hurt. When I confronted him, he said, “You’re beautiful, and I enjoy sharing you with other guys!” I was dumbfounded at his response. I have tried talking to him, and he just doesn’t see my objections.

Every time I see one of our friends, I wonder if Aaron has shared my “beauty” with him. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my minister about this. I have lost my trust in my husband and don’t know what I should do now. — X-POSED IN ILLINOIS

Welcome to the world of being peddled as pornography.  Honey, I have been with some true total douchebags in my lifetime. One thing they NEVER would have done is ‘share’ me with their buddies.   My boyfriend doesn’t even want me wearing my tight workout pants around his buddies.  No man who loves and respects you is going to plaster your pictures and videos on the internet so his friends…and strangers who stumble upon them, might I add….can ogle you.  Are you so fucking stupid that you can’t figure out what to do???

Let me assist you…

1.      While he’s asleep, get a picture of his limp noodle.  A close-up.  Then email it to every woman your man knows, as well as on Facebook.  Tag him when you load the picture up.

2.      Pack up all your shit and put it in your car.  Grab the dog/cat/goldfish while you’re at it. Don’t forget your photo albums, checkbooks and spare set of keys to your car.

3.      Remove the shower curtain from your bathroom as well as all bath towels.

4.      Take all of his dress shirts, t-shirts, jeans, slacks, etc…, cover them in bleach and put them all in garbage bags.  Put these garbage bags out in the garage.

5.      Take all the toilet paper in the house – including what’s on the rollers in the bathroom – and put it in your car.  Same for napkins and paper towels.

6.      Having bought a powdered laxative the previous day, dump it into the coffee tin and mix it all together so he can’t see anything wrong with it.

7.      At 8:00 a.m., go to the bank, withdraw all the funds in your checking and savings accounts and open a new account at a new bank in only your name.

8.      Call him at 8:30 a.m. to make sure he’s up for work. Then tell him, “Thanks for posting my pictures, cockknob – I hope your friends enjoy your limp dick. We’re getting divorced.  Go fuck yourself.”

He won’t fuck himself, but he will get up and go take his morning shit. As he’s sitting there wondering where in the hell the shower curtain is, he’ll notice there’s no toilet paper.  Anywhere.  He’ll pinch his slimey cheeks and go hunting for something with which he might wipe his ass and find nothing.  By now he may notice that he can’t find his clothes either.  He’ll resort to using WalMart bags to wipe his ass while he’s cursing you to hell. He’ll manage to use the kitchen sponge to completely clean his ass and make some coffee so he can figure out what’s happened.  He’ll probably be in tears by the time he’s shitting his brains out with nothing to use on his ass but plastic bags.  You, however, will be settling into a new apartment and a new life and chuckling at the thought of him running around the house with a shitty ass.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to “Ted” for 15 years. We have three school-age children. My husband is extremely narcissistic and passive-aggressive. During our entire relationship, he has been controlling and manipulative, as well as emotionally, economically and sexually abusive. I have remained in the marriage this long because I thought keeping the family intact was the right thing to do for my children. (Ted doesn’t abuse them. I am his only victim.)

Through counseling I have realized that living in the atmosphere of a loveless, abusive marriage can be as detrimental for kids as a breakup would be. I will soon be filing for divorce.

My dilemma: Because Ted is very good at projecting a “good guy” image, I’m sure that people won’t believe he is abusive. Should I be open about the reason for the divorce and be accused of lying? We live in Ted’s hometown, a small, rural community. I don’t know if I can live with the stigma of having accused a “nice guy” of such a thing. On the other hand, I don’t want the abuse to be a “dirty little secret.” What do women do in situations like this? — NO VISIBLE WOUNDS

So you’d rather fuck up your kids’ heads by demonstrating that an unhealthy marriage is the way to go than live with the “stigma” of accusing your husband of being a dickhead?  How do morons like you procreate? Fuck him.  Move to a new town.  Tell your neighbors he’d bay like a donkey when he fucked you. Who gives a shit?!  Chances are, people already know he’s a prick.  Get divorced woman!

DEAR ABBY: I work in a doctor’s office. One of our patients makes a big scene if we do not address him by his title — “Reverend Smith.” He has to tell everyone within earshot that he went to school for eight years to get that title. He insists that, out of respect, we should address him as such.

Abby, this man is not MY reverend. So far, I have avoided calling him this. Am I being disrespectful, or is he being pompous? — UNIMPRESSED IN LOUISVILLE

You’re a cunt.  Stop thinking you’re high and mighty and give people the respect they deserve.

At the same time, my family comes first. How do I go about solving this problem? — PLANNING AHEAD IN MISSOURI

You’re kidding me. Please tell me you’re kidding me. You’re 15 fucking years old and you think you’ve got it all figured out? You intend on being with her forever – you’re 15! You want to be a pilot and your oh-so-inspiring girlfriend wants to be a stay-at-home mom.  Ambitious.  Dude.  It’s called reality.  One, what happened to people wanting to go to college and continue learning? Two – it’s not like pilot school is going to be in your hometown. So how are you going to support your too-lazy-to-work girlfriend/wife while you’re a full-time pilot student? Oh – and you’re fucking 15! What the fuck! No one makes life plans at 15 and actually sticks with them! Where are you parents? Do they really think it’s healthy for a 15 year old kid to be so committed to some girl at that age?? You haven’t even completed puberty yet!

DEAR ABBY: Do you think it’s appropriate to laugh when someone inadvertently falls — especially if it’s unclear whether the individual is hurt?

I have never found it amusing to see someone fall. Instead, I feel concern. Some of my friends think that laughing is not only the appropriate response, but “necessary” to help ease the embarrassment of the individual who has fallen. Who’s right? — COMPASSIONATE WITNESS IN SEATTLE

Ok – I’m sorry, but I say it all the time.  No matter who I’m with, should you fall because of some ridiculous mis-step, drunken stumble or just plain lack of coordination, I will proceed to laugh my ass off, take a picture, help you up and then post that picture on Facebook as we’re waiting for your ankle to get x-rayed in the emergency room.  Come on people – life’s too short to take it seriously and chuckling at someone who’s fallen is not a big deal! And guess what you compassionate holier-than-thou-probably-has-no-sense-of-humor, there’s actually a science behind laughter!

            “According to the incongruity theory humor arises when logic and familiarity are replaced by things that don’t usually go together. Researcher Thomas Veatch for example thinks that laughter is simply the brain’s response to two sets of incompatible thoughts and emotions occurring simultaneously.

According to the superiority theory (that dates back to Aristotle) we laugh when we see somebody else doing something stupid or having some kind of misfortune and we feel superior to this person. When we feel such superiority we laugh. (When we feel superior because we have done something we feel proud of and not amused.)

Finally, the relief theory holds that laughter occurs when tension breaks without anything serious happening. Dr. Lisa Rosenberg pointed out that humor helps people cope with stressful situations.”

[ http://news.softpedia.com/news/Why-Do-We-Laugh-28974.shtml]

DEAR ABBY: I’m 17 and have been dating “Raymond” for two years. The thing that concerns me is we aren’t supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is. During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face. That really hurt, and I can’t get over it.

I think he’s attracted to other girls, but he doesn’t want me to be attracted to other guys. Can you please give me some advice? I’d really like to know what’s going on inside his head. Are his eyes for me only? — TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF.

Christ almighty – is there an epidemic of young teenagers thinking they’re madly in love and really just being dumber than a box of fucking rocks?  “I think he’s attracted to other girls”….Really? No shit – give it a dick, it wants all the pussy within 50 yards of it. And don’t try to tell me you don’t think any other guys are hotties – we have hormones for a reason, sweetheart. What the hell is with all these teenagers committing themselves to teenage boys for years?? Sow your wild oats! Date lots of people! Go to some frat parties! Who the hell commits to someone when they’re not even old enough to vote, drink in a bar or buy cigarettes?!

DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Russ,” and I have been married 13 years. During that time he has lost more than 15 jobs for various reasons — tardiness, not performing up to par, etc. I finally was able to convince him to get tested when I noticed he was having difficulty paying attention. He was diagnosed with ADHD, and they said he has an IQ of about 80.  WHOA – an IQ of 80 and you’re JUST NOW realizing this??? Honey – an IQ of 80 classifies him as “Dull” – just 15 more points and he’s considered “Defective” (terms are from the Terman classification – get pissed at him).

I am working on my doctorate. I hold a job with other wives whose husbands have “great jobs,” and I sometimes don’t know what to say about Russ. He’s a good person, very loving and tries his best, but honestly, I do get frustrated and have a little bit of “husband envy.”

Russ is 50 and we have no children. How do I come to grips with the fact that he may never be a provider? — CHALLENGED IN NEW YORK

Sorry honey – but while people may drop an IQ point or two depending on how much drugs or alcohol they’ve abused, but they don’t become imbeciles.  Something tells me that you found a guy who never argued with you because he didn’t know how, did what you told him to do because he found someone who’d take care of him and support his ass while he fumbled from job to job and he made you feel great about yourself because you’re just so special and smart with your Doctorate program.  Way to commit your life to someone to keep the fire lit under your subliminal superiority complex.

Your husband may be the idiot, but you’re the supreme bitch who is now holding his always-apparent IQ deficiency against him because it’s no longer jiving with your lifestyle.

I have been thinking of leaving her. We have become more like best friends than husband and wife. Our two boys would be crushed if we split. — Troubled Husband in Missouri

People like this always crack me the fuck up.  “In my opionion, it has never been good.”  Yet, you dumbass, you married her anyways.  You made your bed – as shitty as it may be – and now you can lie in it.  How dumb do you have to be to marry someone who has no sex drive, with whom your sex life sucks and then expect it to change and improve over the years?  If she is really attractive and physically fit then guess what douchebag – she’s probably been fucking someone on the side.  Because I don’t know one woman who willingly turns down sex.  Hell – I’ve had my foot in a cast, I’ve been recovering from uterine surgery and still wanted sex.  You get angry with her when you should be angry with yourself for ever committing to someone with whom you obviously didn’t have sexual chemistry in the first place.  Troubled Husband…more like Troubled Dumbass.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my 40s and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my darling mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people’s spirits are near us after they die.

Please don’t laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don’t want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of my spending more time with my kids than cleaning the house as she did.

Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die? — SPOOKED IN SPOKANE

Ok, let’s pull out the short-bus helmet for Spooked in Spokane.  Because clearly, she’s a daily rider.  ‘Nuff said.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding gift giving. If you receive a gift of clothing (with a receipt) from someone and the garment doesn’t fit, is it your responsibility to exchange it, or should you return it to the gift-giver, explain that it’s the wrong size and ask the person to return it?

I gave my sister an outfit that didn’t fit her. She immediately gave the gift back and asked me to return it. — LORI IN FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.

Dear Lori – the fact that you have to ask this question makes it easier to believe that your sister is just as inept as you. Unless your sister is a 7 year old child incapable of driving herself to the mall to exchange the outfit, why would she ever expect you to do so for her.  And why would you even have to ask the question if you know what a gift receipt is? Why do stupid people write a stranger for advice and commentary on their lives?

Bob keeps calling me and saying he wants his “present” so he can go away. I said, “No way!” Was I wrong? — HURT IN MASSACHUSETTS

Ok Hurt…let’s see, your first mistake was continuing a relationship with some douchebag you’re on again/off again with.  If it didn’t work the first three times around, it’s not going to suddenly snap into place on rounds 4, 5 or 6.  Secondly, how stupid are you to buy a plane ticket for some guy who’s on again/off again with you? He can’t commit and participate in a healthy relationship with you, but you’ll buy him a plane ticket six months in advance for a vacation with him? Moron.  At least you had the brains to cash it in when you broke up with him…again.  How about you delete his number, change your locks and never speak to him again.  Bob can go find some other sap to mooch off of. And why in the fuck are you writing Dear Abby to get validated for FINALLY taking a stand against the douche bag?? While you’re in Florida, take a course in self-respect and standing up for yourself, and then you won’t have to try to validate your decisions with a perfect fucking stranger.

DEAR ABBY: I have been searching for a new job (unbeknownst to my current employer), and have been fortunate enough to get a few interviews. For the most part, they have been scheduled during business hours. I feel guilty making excuses to get out and attend them.

What would your advice be for someone in my position? Is there a better way to get around having to make up excuses to my employer? — FEELING GUILTY IN TEXAS

So let’s get this straight…you’re going behind your employer’s back by bailing on them and finding a new job, but you’re concerned about making excuses to make your interviews?  Guess what, if you’re going on a few interviews in a couple of weeks, taking a long lunch, leaving for a doctor’s appointment, taking an afternoon off, etc…. your employer is probably already onto your game of looking for a new job, slick.  If you were smarter, you’d request phone interviews after-hours or intial lunch-interviews and then take a day off to knock out 2 major interviews with your top 2 potential employers.  Don’t waste your time, and make it so obvious that you’re interviewing, by scheduling 10 interviews in two weeks because no one’s going to keep buying your excuses.

Christ – how stupid are you and please don’t be interviewing where I work.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my college boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. We have had our share of struggles, but worked through most of them over time.

Lately, our polar opposite political views have driven a wedge between us. I feel we are losing respect for each other as well as our sense of intimacy and love.

How can we learn to have a mutual respect for our different political opinions while not compromising what each truly believes? — RIDING A SEESAW IN MIAMI

Are you fucking kidding me?  Christ almighty – people take life too seriously sometimes.  This kind of shit reminds me of trying to have a conversation with Crazy Gabe.  He’d instantly be on his soapbox, preaching and trying to convince me, and himself I think, that his viewpoint was valid, correct and the only one that was true. 

Guess what you idiot – if you and your boyfriend were exactly the same you’d be the most boring couple in the world.  You’re allowed to have other viewpoints – just remember that you’re not trying to convert the other person to yours.  Case in point – I’m madly in love with my boyfriend and he’s a freaking Democrat for God’s sake but we don’t care. We have good debates and the fuck the shit out of each other. Case closed.

The man I caught the virus from, “Jack,” claims he didn’t know he had herpes. I don’t know what to believe, except that I should be compensated. My life has been destroyed. I hate the fact that this happened and, to top it off, Jack has changed his phone number! Is this a criminal act? Should I take action? — OUTRAGED IN MISSOURI

You stupid twat. Guess what – congrats on getting the gift that keeps on giving.  It’s called wrapping it up, honey, and that is something you clearly didn’t do.  Nor did you notice the fun bumps on or around his dick? Are you retarded? What tipped you off – that cold sore that just wouldn’t go away?

Sorry babes, but you can’t sue someone for giving you an STD and expect to win it – you had as much say as he did in wrapping it up and clearly didn’t.  And your life hasn’t been destroyed – you’re not going to die, you have to be extra careful during breakouts and whatnot. Oh, and WRAP IT UP. 

DEAR ABBY: I am 35 years old and the mother of two children. The oldest is 4 and my little one just turned 1. My mother-in-law had gastric bypass surgery two years ago. She lost a lot of weight and looks great, having gone from a size 16 to a size 4.  My problem is the comments she makes about my weight in the presence of others. For example, “Do you see that ‘Cate’ is so big-boned and I am so petite?” It hurts, and I don’t know what to do about it. What can I say to her the next time she says something like that? — “CATE” IN OKLAHOMA CITY

How about the next time she makes that kind of remark, simply say “Well, not all of us can afford to have our stomach stapled down to the size of a dixie cup because we were unable to stop shoveling food down our throats or get up off our fat asses and go for a walk every day.”  Let me know what she says.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating “Irving” for about a year. He is intelligent, financially stable and loves me and my son. However, over the last seven or eight months he has said some things that have hurt me very much. For instance, he has told me to watch what I say around his business associates, and when he thinks I have been too loud around them, he tells me afterward — almost in a fatherly tone — that I need to keep it low key.

He isn’t the most sensitive or compassionate man I have ever met, and I find those to be important qualities in a mate. Irving has also made comments about my weight — specifically, that he doesn’t want me to gain any.

Some of my friends are telling me to drop him, but I have invested a year in this guy and I hate to think it was for nothing. He’s been talking marriage, and in the beginning I was excited. Now, I’m not so sure it’s a good idea. Can you help? — CAUTIOUS IN TENNESSEE

Hey Cautious – guess what? Irving is a prick, plain and simple.  He doesn’t love you, he enjoys telling you what to do and criticizing you.  So how about you pack up your and your son’s shit, tell Irving he should stop gaining weight because it’s making his dick shrink and walk out on his ass and go find a guy who will not only love you but will also treat you like gold.  Because no man is worth staying with when he’s a prick.

I am hoping to figure out how I’m going to enjoy the spring/summer time and still get back on track with my writing – not to mention balance work and my bottles of Captain and Budweiser Select. Throw in some vacations, work trips and family/friend time and my God – I really need to win the lottery so I have time do what I want LOL

Meanwhile, while my writing has been lacking, there is no shortage of dumbasses writing into Dear Abby because they are too retarded or their family members have too few teeth to help them solve their own moronic problems (I’m not sure why I correlate the number of teeth someone has to their brainpower, but I do).

DEAR ABBY: My father has been short-tempered for as long as I can remember. He never beat us, but he spanked us plenty as a means of discipline when we were growing up. Now this anger is random; he makes every family event a nightmare for anyone involved. He insists on planning events at their home, and screams and degrades any of us “kids” (and Mom) if we do something other than his way.

Shortly after my sister’s divorce a few years ago, my father met with our priest to discuss his anger issues, but it didn’t change anything. We’ve suggested anger management or counseling, but he tells us we’re “overreacting” and blames my sister’s drama as an excuse for his behavior.

I am expecting my first child, and my husband and I are afraid of the effect Dad’s behavior will have on our little one. My sister’s children are all afraid of my father. While they respect him, they constantly worry about when the next blowup will happen. I don’t want to cut anyone out of my life, but how can I deal with this? — EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED IN OHIO

Dear Exhausted,

Guess what – you’re an adult.  That means if your father is being a cock-knob, you have every right to not have him over to see your child.  If your Mom has a problem with this, maybe she should just leave the son of a bitch because he certainly sounds like a prick.  People who keep assholes in their lives, blood relatives or not, because you don’t want to cut them out make me ill.  Why would you keep someone who is toxic involved in your life? If you want to be beat up emotionally, made to feel like shit and worry about when the next blow up will happen, how about I introduce you to the piece of shit I lived with for 2 ½ years?  Better yet, how about all of you realize your Dad is an emotional and verbally abusive sack of shit and all of you write him off??

Dear Riding the Highways: You and your husband are fucking nerds. 

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is 43 and I am 48. I admit he moved in very fast — a few weeks after he lost his job.

After three months his mood began to change. He tells me he loves me and I’m the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but I noticed he was becoming quiet and withdrawn. I texted him at work to ask if something was wrong, and he said “things” were on his mind. I asked was it me? He said no.

When he came home I asked what was wrong, and he said things were happening too fast, that he wanted his own place and to move around as he wants to. I asked him if he sees me in his future, and he said, “Yes. Just bear with me and give me some time.”

I need advice, Abby. I am so confused. I love him dearly. — TORN APART IN TOMBALL, TEXAS

Dear Torn Apart: Let’s start with I don’t give a shit who you are, you don’t move in together a few weeks into dating someone. I’ve been dating Doug for six weeks now – I see him almost every day, he spends the night almost every night, and still he is in the process of moving into a house with a couple friends of his.  Why? BECAUSE THAT’S THE SIGN OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.  You don’t start shacking up with each other right off the bat you fucking idiot – everyone knows the first few weeks or months of a relationship are the honeymoon phase – then the reality sets it.  And guess what – he’s the fucking tool who moved in – he didn’t  think THAT  move was moving too fast?  Kick his stupid ass to the curb and find a man who won’t start leeching off you.  And don’t forget the cardinal rule – if a man really wants to be with you, he’ll be with you – he won’t need time or space.  The ones who need time and space are the same ones who are (1) living another life that you don’t know about (2) fucking another woman you don’t know about or (3) are planning on living another life and fucking another woman you don’t know about.

DEAR ABBY: I’m 16 and have grown up religious my whole life. I get good grades and stay out of trouble. A lot of my friends have done crazy things like drinking and partying, but I haven’t. Because of this, I have the reputation of being a “goody-two-shoes.”

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing being a good girl, but I don’t want to be a goody-two-shoes. Part of me wants to try some of the stuff my friends have been doing, but I don’t want to lose my parents’ trust. Please help! — RESTLESS IN OREGON

Dear Restless in Oregon:  I’m sorry, but drinking and partying are not crazy things – it’s called being a teenager.  Crazy is driving to a crackhouse in Akron to hear your friend’s grunge band.  Crazy is telling your highschool teachers that you’re wasted and them following you all the way home to make sure you don’t die.  Crazy is scalling a hotel wall – twice (we had to get back to our room somehow) – to sneak into another boys’ room to watch tv with them.  Crazy is losing your virginity in a hot tub club on prom night. Drinking and partying – shit honey, welcome to your  Sophomore year of high school.  Get a bottle of SoCo on me and cheers to all the good Catholics who lost their way!

I am modest so I use the private changing rooms when getting dressed. There are some women who feel very comfortable walking around in various stages of undress. Not only are they naked, they don’t think twice about bending over to get into their lockers, or standing topless while blow-drying their hair.

In a place full of mirrors, seeing all this is difficult to avoid. I don’t want to stop using the locker room because it’s convenient. Is there anything I can do, or must I put up with the peep shows? — MISS MODESTY IN PRINCETON, N.J.

Miss Modesty – try Miss Prude.  Give me a break – have you not ever had a gym class in high school or gone to college where you had communal showers? Honey, you’re talking to the bitch who would face the windows in the classroom and rip off her shirt in the 6th grade while changing for gym class.  Get over yourself.  Are you so uptight and conservative that you’re afraid some 300 pound butch lesbian is going to maul you in front of everyone when she sees your uneven tits? Or do you think that someone’s just going to dive right into what I’m sure is your unshaven, jungle-like bush?  You’re working out in a gym for god’s sake – I’d be more concerned about contracting some communicable disease rather than seeing some tits and ass.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend is very sweet. The problem is, she wants to have sex with me. I don’t think I am ready for that. I also don’t know how to approach my parents about this. I really need some help — fast! — NOT READY IN PENNSYLVANIA

Dear Not Ready in PA – you are gay.

DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, “Giving up sex with you.” I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband’s life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? — LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

Dear Lost the Battle – allow me to stop laughing my ass off.  You must really, really suck in bed – and I don’t mean suck good, like you could suck start a Buick; I mean you must be like fucking a pile of dead rags, or a corpse, or a stuffed bear.  Because no man in his right mind who is getting any kind of decent, mildly wet, not stretched out so far it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, piece of ass is going to give it up for a fucking bottle of wine and not even a good one at that.

I clicked off, left the room and stayed at a friend’s for the night. Please tell me, did I do the right thing and what do I do now? — BETRAYED IN TORONTO

Ok, after I stopped laughing my ass off at this, I laughed some more.  What should you do now?  Well, let’s see, you could call one of your friends and ask if they’d now like a turn at her.  You could fuck your roommate’s girlfriend. You could go fuck some other random girl.  You could tag-team the whore with your roommate and then throw her clothes out your window and lock her out of the room then take pictures of her streaking across the green picking her clothes out of the bushes. You could remain silent, pick her up for a date and drop her off in front of a brothel, telling her “I thought you’d like to move in, since you’re a WHORE.”  Or you could break up with her.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend recently moved in with me. We have a great relationship except that he is always slapping me on the bottom. He refers to it as “love taps.”

I have told him many times I regard it as degrading and frustrating. It stings and I hate it. I have told him 10 different times in 10 different ways, including getting so angry I screamed obscenities at him.  When we get into little arguments, he will say, “That’s it! You deserve a spanking for that!” and proceeds to hit me again. I know he thinks it’s cute, and he obviously gets some sort of enjoyment out of it, but I am at my wits’ end.

How can I get it through his head that his behavior is not only offensive, it is seriously harming our relationship by creating resentment? Does he just not care about my feelings, or does he not take me seriously when I tell him to knock it off? — SORE IN CALIFORNIA

Oh, come on honey, they’re just love taps! Why are you so uptight? The solution is simple – you’ve tried communicating that his love taps are getting on your nerves and that they cause fights.  So here’s what you do: the next time he gives you a little love tap because it’s just demonstrating how affectionate he is, love tap his nuts. Turn around and with a little upward swipe of your hand, love tap his nuts. Now, you love him, so don’t be too gentle – after all, you want him to “feel” how much you love him.  If he still doesn’t get the picture, knee him hard in the nuts, tell him that’s exactly how much you love him right now and pack up his shit and kick him out – if the prick can’t understand that his love taps hurt you, annoy you and are anything BUT a demonstration of love, then he can enjoy have his testicles sucked out of his scrotum because you’ve permanently lodged them there with your knee “love tap.”

DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing “Hillary” for a little more than a year. We’re both in our late 20s and just starting our careers. We both live with our parents.

We’ve been having problems because I’m not willing to move in with her. I have told Hillary many times that there is no audition for marriage, but she’s convinced it would “bring us closer.” Many of the people I’ve worked with ended up splitting shortly after moving in together. Conversely, many of Hillary’s friends moved in with significant others and were married shortly after.  I admit, I’d like to take things slow (call me old-fashioned), but Hillary doesn’t know if she can wait until I feel ready to take this step or propose.

We acknowledge that we love each other. Our parents are not exactly rooting for us, so we’re taking another break from things. I suggested that we both find our own places for the time being. Hillary has never lived by herself. We don’t know what to do, and I’d like some advice from someone who doesn’t have a stake in this. — AT A CROSSROADS IN ILLINOIS

Ok – let’s first visit the fact that you’re both in your late 20s and still live with your parents. Grow up and move out. It’s called adulthood. I mean Christ – where do you guys fuck??  What kind of sex life do you have if you’re boning your girlfriend down the hall from her parents’ bedroom?  Have you not even had shower sex because your little sister needed to use the bathroom? Fucking losers.

Plus, NO ONE should go from living with their parents to living with someone else.  Everyone should live alone – it teaches you fiscal responsibility, independence and identity – plus you both need to have your own space and grow the fuck up, which you’ve clearly not done yet because you’re too busy sucking on your mother’s titties and living at home with mommy.

How’s this for an idea? YOU move out of your parents’ house and get your own place.  Do NOT give your girlfriend a key because, after all, you’re on a break.  Then discover how great it is to order pizza whenever you want, leave Christmas lights up until March and the joy of recycling cases of beer bottles because your Mom’s not there to bitch at you for drinking so much.  Welcome to manhood, pussy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 and live most of the year on my college campus. I’m on a full scholarship, so my parents are not paying my tuition. Most of my mail — bank statements, etc. — still goes to my parents’ house since I don’t have a permanent address.

For the last two years, my mother has opened my bank statement and read the entire thing. She then calls me and goes through all of my card charges and checks, and asks me to explain where I was and what I bought.

I have tried telling her that I am an adult and that what I buy is my business, but she continues to do this every month. When I explained that I am capable of managing my own finances, she told me she was just worried about me and that “a mother ALWAYS has the right to worry about her only child.”

I understand she will always be concerned about my well-being, financial and otherwise, but this is taking it too far. How can I explain to her that it’s not OK to invade my privacy? I know she means well, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it’s really becoming a hassle. — COLLEGE CO-ED IN WILLIAMSBURG, VA.

This is an easy one – because clearly you’re too fucking stupid to get your own PO Box – order sex toy catalogs and have them sent to your parents’ house.  They all come encased in an envelope so your mother will open it.  Subscribe to every nasty catalog you can find. Then get a subscription to a lesbian porno magazine and have it sent to the house as well. Finally, forge yourself a pay stub from “Howie’s Big-Boob-A-Rama” and “Ricky’s Naked Co-eds” and mail it to the house.  I have no doubt your mother will call you on those.  Then you can explain “I’ve tried to tell you I’m an adult and to stop opening my mail. I’d love to explain all of the mail to you, but I’m late for a photo shoot with Ricky.”

Then start having all your mail sent to a PO Box, you ignorant moron.