Must give great hugs.

 Must be a great kisser.

 Kids are optional – I love kids, I would prefer to just create our own but provided you get along very well with your Ex who won’t make our lives a living hell and your child/children (please no more than 2) are well-behaved and don’t play the spoiled brat “if you loved me” card, they’re fine.

 Penis must be at least 6 ½ inches long and an inch and a half (minimum) width – longer is better but porno dick is not necessary – those are just difficult to work with.

 Sex is required on a daily basis, at least once a day.  Exceptions can be made for sickness but you need to be a fast healer.

 Must be an expert spider killer – must fully understand that to tease or torment me with a live or killed spider is to risk my poisoning your dinner – actually, after I stop crying hysterically (yes my fear of spiders is THAT bad) I will probably just never speak to you again. Ever. Really.

 Must go on vacation at least once a year and a weekend getaway does not count.  A minimum of five days, to a mutually agreed upon location, without family.

 I will be going to Tuscany each summer to see my family – you are welcome to come if you will pay your own way, act like a gentleman in front of my family, will not smoke (there’s no smoking in front of my parents) and will not be a drunk ass.  If you cannot agreed and adhere to the aforementioned rules, I’ll see you in ten days when I get back. No big deal to me either way.

 Must like to camp in the summers – nothing better than  going to a lake for a weekend and relaxing.  A camper is great, a tent is acceptable with a blow-up mattress – my back is not conducive to sleeping on the ground.

 My cat sleeps with me – and will continue even with you here.  Do not tell me to lock her out of the bedroom.

Must not have a drinking problem – meaning you do not drink every night and when you do drink you do not get so drunk that you are the stumbling bumbling idiot and don’t wake up at noon the next day.  It’s perfectly acceptable to go out for a bit, have a couple drinks, NOT risk a DUI and wake up me still loving you.

 If you smoke, that’s fine because so do I – but not in my house, not around babies, and not in front of my parents. If you have a problem with any of those, goodbye.

 I’m not real big on sloppy public displays of affection.  Especially in front of my friends and family.  A quick kiss (not sucking my face off) or slap on the ass or a hug is fine – trying to make out with me, grope me or grind against me during the holidays at my parents’ house is not only going to disgust them but will embarrass me.  And make you look like a juvenile.

 I need my engagement ring to be two carats – doesn’t have to be a diamond, could be an emerald or sapphire (still 2 carats) with diamonds in the band on either side – sounds pretty good to me!

 Wedding band will be a band of diamonds. No exceptions.  White gold or platinum only – I do not wear yellow gold.  EVER.

 I’m a purse whore – you need to accept that I will buy a purse anywhere between $80 and $140 every two or three weeks.  Just budget for it – actually, it’s my money, so budgeting isn’t necessary.  My parents have accepted it, so can you.

 I will always be horny – I will not require foreplay. I love giving blowjobs, roadhead, showertime, nooners, quickies, etc…. you will never be unsatisfied sexually. I will do the laundry, I will iron for you and I will cook dinner.  You will do the dishes, secure us a home in the country but not too far from the city because I like modern conveniences and my ice cream not melting on the way home from the grocery store and knock me up at least once.  You must love and appreciate my family, understand that they are not perfect, they are set in their ways and do what we kids do and just humor my parents. 

 Please apply within, with a picture.

 Did I mention I love giving blowjobs?