So first we have “heavytalk” who says “I READ THE THING YOU SAID IN YOUR PROFILE AND LIKE HOW STRAIGHT FORWARD YOU R. I FEEL THE SAME WAY AS YOU DO. IM LOOKING FORWARD TO BE GAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.”  Heavytalk is 39, athletic and is seeking a woman ages 21 to 50.  Wow – way to hit the highs and lows of the spectrum.

Steelman57 is well, scary looking in a KISS meets redneck kind of way. He is 36 and is hoping to find his perfect match in a woman aged 18 to 50.  Well, at least he kept his minimum age at the legal level.  I’m thanking God he doesn’t live in my town.

Wise324u – this dude is 48 years old, separated from his wife and doesn’t want children.  Let me remind you, dear readers, I am explicit on wanting children and that I don’t want anyone who is not single or DIVORCED contacting me – I don’t need the drama.  So he writes me anyways.  By the way, he looks like a cross between Grizzly Adams and Kenny Rogers without the all the facelifts.  He mentions three times in his own profile description that he has not been appreciated, wasn’t with someone who appreciated him, blah blah blah.  Yes – please let me go out with a man who is going to need to be showered with attention and appreciation so he can get over his ex-wife apparently finding someone else to appreciate.  NEXT!

Next we have Brian who is 26 and lives in my town – he is 5’3 – I repeat, 5’3 – I am 5’4 ½ and go for taller guys – Brian is shorter than me.  He says in his profile he’s a few extra pounds – yaaaaaaaaaa he’s a lot extra pounds.  He says, “hi my name is brian and i am ready to settle down i would love to get married and have a fmaily i am a real sweet guy i am caring and i have a good heart and i am always there for you to talk to i love kids i am really good with them i love country and 80s rock and i love comdey movies i love football.i love to cuddle if there is anything esle you would like to now just ask.that is not my daughter it is my best friends”    I’m going to slowly back away from the computer….

Ahhh the headache continues….next we have Matt – who’s profile says he is from California.  His email to me says he’s in Oklahoma.  He has no picture and would like to chat even though he’s so far away.  Because I need a pen pal – I don’t have enough going on trying to stay in touch with all my friends, my siblings and writing for my blog, I need a fucking pen pal as well because I’m 10 years old and that kind of shit floats my boat.  The deciding factor?  His profile says, “well rathernot to say much about my hobbies…..i love to capture my focus am a man with human feelings and passion  am goodlooking man and principle…i hate lair  i love to listing to hiphop music” and for his first date, “For my firstday i will like to catch fun with somereal woman and take her forever with me if things workfine…..go to beach ,cinema…..and more much fun center.” 

Yes, let me converse on a regular basis with a guy thousands of miles from me who can’t even fucking type.

Someone pass me the pumpkin pie – I’m gonna bury my face in it and stop checking these emails – sweet Jesus.